don't push

Don't push!

Pushing during defecation as a lifestyle can lead to hemorrhoids, which are the rupturing or swelling of blood vessels in the area.

More than 75% of Americans will have hemorrhoids at some point in their lives. Part of this is because of our culture of urgency, in which everything must happen now. It is recommended that a person sit and let a bowel movement come naturally.

The absence of fiber in a diet can also cause hardened stool, also possibly increasing hemorrhoid occurrence.

I thought of this as a friend talked to me about his hernia, and I recommended that he not do any strenuous pushing. I wish that this was a fact taught in schools and known by the mainstream. Why don't they teach these important things in schools? Such simple solutions or helps.

My work in healthcare exposes me to interesting cases, seeing rectal prolapse, polyps, and variations in individuals and medical conditions and heredities. Growing up in a medical household, I browsed anatomy diagrams from a young age, showing profound abnormalities in pictures. While initially repelled somewhat, it was something that also intrigued me. Curiosity for what's beneath our skin, and the beauty of the human system is a recurring theme.

The above diagram, for example, reveals that the descending colon is on the LEFT. In hospitals we encourage bed-bound patients who need to encourage a bowel movement to lay on their left side, assisting the natural curvature and flow.

My mind also asks questions, like, is there an increased risk of rectal prolapse in gay men who have a lot of rectal sex? How is the anal sphincter affected in the long term with certain kinds of activities? Does the use of lubricants and gentle relaxation exercises with toys - like incremental dildos - decrease the incidence of problems?

 Greater research in the areas of our populations and sub-populations is needed. Still, much is known that can be helpful.

pre photo shoot - body fat

these images come from nerd fitness,
where there's an excellent fuller article

Where are you on the body fat spectrum?

There are several things a person can do to look a bit better before a photo shoot. Most of the gains are made with food alterations.

• Eat less carbs.
• Avoid salt (retains water).
• Drink less water.
• Eat significantly smaller portions.
• Reps to bulk muscles.

These are all things done for the short-term, and obviously not healthy for the long-term (most of them).

The flip side is that your energy will also feel down, but you'll look better in the pictures!... look better at that naked beach, sex club, for that event or group... The above tips work especially for someone who is already in shape and is just improving that last shade.

Certainly most of the photo shoots that I've done are just friends on a nude hike taking pictures as we go along. A handful of times I've experimented with nude photography alone or with a friend. I've actually never done an actual dedicated nude photo shoot with a professional photographer.

Each type of photo experience has it's emphasis: the catch-the-fun-and-natural-beauty emphasis, the I'm-learning-all-the-cool-things-my-camera-can-do, the artistic-experiments, and the exposition-of-the-body-hopefully-beautifully.

Professional body-builders do more in-depth preparations, like the one explained by Brad Gouthro on his website and video.

what to do with all this sex energy?

yesterday's self-photo-shoot,
inspired by shares with dual-continent skyper

? ? ?  That's the answer.

But here are a few (9) attempts to answer that question...

• Don't judge it. Notice it. See with interest how it affects my life in various ways.
• Use it. It's a lot of energy. Sex energy can also be at the center of creation, connection, wildness, power, embodiment. Find additional ways to allow its flow. Like fire, it can be a force for both destruction and creation. I can be aware of this and try to influence it in conscious directions.

 

• Allow it time. Give it time in your day to manifest directly. Like a tyrant child, it can tantrum and side-ways communicate until it is heard. It too has its needs and wisdom. Really. Many of us are born with a tremendous energy in this realm. After it has been fully honored, remind it that there are other players in your life. Then move on.
• Increase penetration time. Yup. If you think about fucking all the time... when you fuck, don't be over it so fast! Studies show that the average penetration time for men is about 2 minutes. No wonder we go about thinking about it all the time! Maybe even look at the clock and go for 10 minutes, 30 minutes. If it's not penetration, it could be something else, like holding, frottage, hand grasping his cock, you decide.

 

• Be conscious of the time used that amps up sex energy - like online viewing, grindr-ing, etc. Notice how your body and presence feels. Is this what I want to be doing? Sometimes its okay, sometimes its not.
• Be creative: give it an outlet to flow, like writing a blog (that's part of why I do this blog), photographing, loving and connecting in ways that are satisfying to you, hopefully working in a way that aligns with your gifts and mission, drawing, rowing with a team, joining a gay swim league, dancing, attending certain events. The possibilities are infinite.

 

• If its something you love, find a way to do more of it, in ways that align with your other life values and commitments. Change things that need changing.
• Release rigid expectation. Take joy in a lot of different expressions. Don't be too set on one specific act, like bottoming, a certain partner, a certain location. Be willing to take enjoyment in the million other ways it could look, like non-penetrative fun, skyping, reading a diagrams book with your partner, your local masturbation club, volunteering. Adapt and find joy in a lot of expressions.

 

• Be in your body. A lot of us with high sex drive are very alive in our body. Join a circus class, yoga, drumming, ecstatic dance, run in the elements, swim, balance on the bars. Our body likes to feel alive and powerful. It likes new things. This is part of the rush we get in sex. It is also had in many ways. I think many men feel a subconscious need to use their bodies.

3 dick tricks

Here's three dick-elongating tips before taking pictures:

1. Pee first. The relaxation of it lengthens your penis. Try it.

2. Take a long warm shower. Blood vessels expand with warmth, literally giving you a bit more width and length. Cold water does the opposite, to both testicles and penis.

3. Lay out in the sun before the picture-taking. This works for the same reason as the above - blood vessel expansion.


A while ago I was at a pool naked sunbathing. My very-cute and slightly-tipsy roommate got a bit flirty, mentioning how he loved to bottom for a big cock. I'm normally not that big flaccid, so I wondered why he was flirting with me. Then I realized: bingo: I'd just stood up to go urinate, and it was very warm by the pool, making my normally average size - significantly larger. Go figure. Note to self.

how to get naked camping going

A lot of guys ask me how to get naked hiking and camping with their buddies going. They see pictures of my trips and other trips, and wish out loud that they could join in or do it in their area. Here are a few things I've learned.

1. Love nature enough to get out there on your own. Become a true admirer of the outdoors - delighting in the trees, water, sunshine, mountains, desert, trails, whatever. That way, no matter how many people you get to come with you, you're still enjoying this love affair with nature. Worth it almost no matter what.

2. When you say you're going, follow through and go, also almost no matter what. Don't back out. People can sense whether you're waffling, testing the waters, or intent on going. Build trust. Form long-term relationships. Someone's got to start the leadership. "If you build it, they will come" attitude (a line from the popular movie Field of Dreams). This is one of the most important principles.

3. Ask around. Get on multiple sites, dudesnude, craigslist, and others, and advertise your intentions. See if others are doing the same. Make lots of invitations. It's a statistics game. Filter those you invite.

4. Be willing to travel a bit. There are some great outdoors spots near most big cities, if you travel an hour or two. The main things is to get out there and enjoy.

I first met three other guys from a craigslist ad. It advertised serious hiking for gay guys. One of the guys on that hike introduced me to another male-male couple in another state who did frequent nude hiking. I really liked their style and ease. I travelled from 5 to 10 times a year for weekend hikes with them. This meant hopping in the car or public transport 3-5 hours one-way. I hate driving, but this was totally worth it. I met others of their friends, introduced them to several other interested guys, and have expanded our mutual circles. Several years later, this summer, I'll be attending their wedding!

5. Where can you go nude? In the freer world, almost anywhere away from other people! This means getting off the trail, going to more remote places. And carrying your shorts in your backpack, so that you can put them on quickly if you encounter another group approaching from far off.

The idea is to enjoy the sun and breeze on your skin, not to expose yourself to unsuspecting people. This might mean that you can only squeeze in a half hour here or there. Good enough! In other places it might be all day. In most places shirtless is cool.

6. Get nude yourself. This starts it. If you're fit (notice I didn't say perfect), many a person you invited on this trip will enjoy it, and do likewise hopefully. Don't be too intent on everyone getting all the way nude. Some people are shy and take a bit to warm up. Invite once in a friendly way, otherwise just enjoy.

7. Filter your invitations. You want to hike with people that you are attracted to, on various levels, whether it be physically, socially, interest-wise, and so on. The guy could be really hot, but not fun to hang with. At the same time, I tend to like a lot of different types and styles of people. My main requirements are fitness to actually do the hike, and friendliness compatibility in a group.

8. Leadership. You could wait for someone to invite you, and maybe never get an invitation in your life. Or you could start creating something. Do it! Take the long-haul view, get out there yourself! Someone's got to start the momentum.

9. Be willing to dance with what comes your way. Don't have too fixed an expectation, but put out a positive intention. This means you enjoy the people you're with for a weekend, you make the best of a little rain, you get creative when someone forgot the campfire pan. Few things really are a crisis.

10. Be friendly and fun to be around. Groups are fun. Guys enjoy meeting other guys. The ideal group hiking/camping size, in my opinion, is about five to nine guys. That way everyone gets to feel included, it's small enough that people see and take care of each other and interact, and still there's enough variety of interests going around.

11. Keep a level of fitness yourself. If you want to attract attractive guys, a good place to start is with yourself. I can only expect in others what I live to a degree myself. This does not mean flawless or perfectly sculpted. Who is? It does mean eating well, exercising regularly, and attention to hygiene.

These are only a few ideas. Hope it helps!

slave girl sex lesson

A slave girl teaches a newlywed Daenerys, wife of savage warrior Khal Drogo, how to make most of what gods bestowed upon her. (taken from episode 2 of Game of Thrones - the series) click here or on the image below

This is one of the more influential sex scenes I've seen. It encapsulates several beautiful and important ideas. What do you learn from it? 

Initially, like is the lot of many women and humans in the world, Daenerys is more raped than anything else by her new powerful husband. He is larger. The law and culture is on his side.

With the fortunate teaching of a slave girl, she learns to use sex, one of her realms where she is partner to Khal Drogo, to her advantage and increased equality and power, like some women and lovers were able to do. (This in no way condones rape.) Sex is one of the most coveted realms of most humans. It can go many levels, from simply carnal transforming to a whole other dimension. 

She eventually wins his heart, and vice-versa. The ensuing union is one of greater equality. In my opinion, she, as many humans have throughout history, won this place largely in the other-worldly realm of sexual union. Conscioulsy.

 

It pleases me that a human being's position and condition can be increased. She becomes, through many of her own efforts, his "moon of my life."

how to hook-up without saying a word

A friend a while back asked how to hook up. He is by no means timid, and gets laid often, so I was surprised by the genuine question. He'd never hooked up at a gym, park, or other spontaneous place. And wanted to change that. Hooking up is to have a sexual experience, mostly just for the fun of it. He wanted some pointers on the art of hooking up in person, where in some settings almost no words are said. But a lot is communicated.

We rehearsed first the showers in the gym where we both work out at. There are two rows of showers, both potentially looking out onto eachother. The shower curtains can be left open, or drawn shut, depending on your intentions. There are a lot of ways to do it, but this is my take. Choose a shower stall with views to a couple other stalls. Leave the shower curtain half-way open. That way if someone attractive showers across the way, you can exchange curiosities, or draw the curtain if not interested.

If the other guy also leaves the curtain partially or all the way open, that's a good sign. He's potentially "saying" - I'm interested too. I personally only leave the curtain part-way open. It's usually the too-obvious staring-at-everyone way-out-of-shape-guy that signals his desperation with almost everything he does that does this. Leaving the curtain part-way open also gives me more discrete options of closing it a little, without seeming too rude, or opening it a little, being more inviting. They're all pretty clear signals for most people. Open means: I'm open to something (generally). Closed: closed for business.

This is the first of signals. I need to get several fairly obvious signals before I start something. Imagine coming on to a really open European guy, who is used to more nudity, and more public showers, but who is straight. I don't want to jump into his stall with only the curtain signal. So onto other signals...

With the curtains open, we can see eachother. I'll glance briefly at him. (Important step. Alot of this is done with the eyes.) But then continue with my shower.  I don't want to creep him out by staring. Maybe turn and give him an opportunity to look at my body, and not get caught looking at me. And show off a tiny bit, whether it be my shoulders, ass, pecs, legs, cock. Then turn naturally, and glance his way. Maybe he's doing some of the same. I take my time putting on the soap and rubbing it in.

On my face I'm trying to look approachable, friendly. If his curtain is still open, and he's looking in my direction, I want him to catch me looking at him. Here and there, increasingly. Now I can look up at his eyes, and maybe smile or nod my head hello. Briefly. If he's not nervous, or returns the greeting, you've now had several signals that things are going well. (Open curtain, glancing at eachother semi-obviously, non-verbal acknowledgement with smile or nod.) There's chemistry.

Next signal: see if there's increased sexual energy. Up to now, a few minutes into it, less than five usually, its been not-too-heavy on the erotic. Now some more soap might go on the inner thighs. The penis really needs cleaned :). Your ass really needs cleaned :). A boner is cool about now. (Right to start off with might have been too forward, with no clear signals that it was okay.) Increased eye contact now is intentional, especially if it is returned.

From here, it's pretty clear that you're both wanting to hook up. You could just do a simple wank for eachother in the shower. Hot enough. Or, if the shower stall is private enough, and you're not going to get in trouble for it, signal that he come on over. More than likely though you'll want to head out together for some more personal touching and alone time. So you could signal a "let's head out?" gesture, and if he's game, you both do. Usually there's other people around, and you don't want to intrude on their experience. You might dress, and then wait up front, or linger combing your hair and head out when he does. If everything still seems okay, you'll more than likely get your first words in outside, heading to the cars, or public transport.

A lot of guys are nervous, but want to do this, and are glad if you help put them at ease and be friendly and normal. Say hello, introduce yourself, smile. Treat him well, and he'll treat you real well in the bed hopefully within a few minutes!

Alot of these principles can apply in the park (though I've only done that twice), at the beach, in stalled traffic, etc. Be careful about places where it's illegal and there might be coys to trap such activities (think airports). For obvious reasons society is trying to keep explicit sexual activity out of the eyes of mainstream unsuspecting masses going about their daily activities. I believe that there is nothing wrong with the activities, just that there is a time and a place. A lot can be communicated with eyes, friendly nods, body, lingering, making your wants known non-verbally. And waiting for reciprocation before going forward.

There will be times when a potentially unwanted partner appears. Signals can be given here non-verbally as well. Avoid eye contact. Close the curtain. Turn away. Don't linger. Make it clear, but polite too. Most people get the message.


My friend was jubilant to announce that he had hooked up from the showers. He went on a little spree trying out his new skills.

keeps us together

Two things have kept my partner and I together so far, among many other things. They are: 1. Giving each other's bodies and time to eachother, and 2. Blessing each other. Recently we've had several friends, male-male couples, break up or go through some difficult times. While there are many factors, including basic need-fulfillment and compatibility, these are among the top two learnable traits that I see as being helpful in sustaining a long-term relationship.

1. Give each other's bodies to each other. Maybe I don't feel like it, but if he does, I humor him. And funny thing is, energies can shift pretty quickly. Sex is at the root of many couple's problems. We know couples that love eachother dearly, but haven't had sex more than a couple of times a year. For some it really bothers them. Or couples that are sad not to be getting more from their partner. Or in a certain way. (I haven't heard of one couple yet complain that there's too much sex between them, though I imagine they exist somewhere.)

My body is my own. It doesn't belong to my partner. His body does not belong to me. But we give it freely to eachother, within the bounds of respect, love, and primal urge. We have this spoken agreement. If he's tired, and I want to be sexual with him, then the burden of the sexual activity is mine. And vice versa. Oh darn. We generally don't say no to each other. I'm flattered and find that most often my mood changes to match his desire and enter this magical realm if I didn't feel it initially.

Giving the body is also a start to giving time, interest, going jogging if he wants to go jogging, or giving other non-sexual and non-physical things freely. Just because I value him, and know that I'm building one of the things that are most important to me: us.

2. Bless each other. This looks like one of us being the "big boy" or the calm and collected one for the other, especially when he needs it. We take turns taking this role for each other. Maybe he's stressed before a big dinner that we're about to host, and I take a moment to gather him in my arms, look him in the eyes, and see him. And thank him, and remember why we're both doing this. Or maybe I'm feeling insecure about something, and he holds me and whispers sweet reassurances. It also looks like one of us doing more listening, suspending reaction till another time, just supporting. All focus on the other person for a few minutes.

When a person feels heard, seen, appreciated, they can continue in a much better space.

This hit home to me in listening to two good friends, a couple in trouble. One would express his sexual insecurities (a very vulnerable spot). The other would react flatly that what was communicated was not his intention. I wished instead that he had not reacted, at least for a time, and simply supported his partner for a bit. Put on some grandfather or wise sage energy, set his own issues aside for a bit, a be there for his man. His turn would come later. But one at a time. Listen, hear, encourage the other partner to say what they're wanting to say. Or comfort when they're down for no apparent reason. Not fixing so much as supporting.


These two things help in the pursuit past a medicre or average relationship to an excellent one.

how to organize an orgy

What do you have in mind? How many? Doing what? What type of guys? Where? To come up with something specific, think specifically what you want.

It takes usually a minimum of about 20 hours for me to plan a group play, sometimes double that or more. Most of this time is spent online or with the phone contacting guys personally. I have in mind a certain type of guy: fit, sexy, and friendly. If I get weird vibes socially from the guy's profile, or interacting with him via email/text, then I don't invite him. I don't give out my address until we've interacted a bit - to feel him out. For example, I had one guy demand, literally, that he be the only bottom. He wanted to be "gang fucked," he said. While he was phenomenally hot, I told him directly that the world did not rotate around him, and that there were other guys who might want to bottom. Obviously he didn't get the address. I want friendly, hopefully easy to talk to guys, no drama, just fun. And that's what we've had.

Some of the sites that I use are dudesnude, grindr, adam4adam, manhunt, and even facebook. Occasionally I've put up an ad on craigslist with pictures (key factor), and gotten good responses there, stating clearly my intentions and parameters. Parameters are more energetic than dogmatic. For example, "fit and socially friendly" not "only 25-35 y.o.." There's nothing wrong with very specific, some people prefer it that way. I just find that by being open to individuals I've often been pleasantly surprised.

I interact with each guy personally. This helps me discern his energy a bit. It also makes it more personal and real. I set the tone from here. And the guys invest themselves. If we've interacted a few times, a guy is less likely to blow me off. If he needs to change plans, he'll usually contact me and let me know.

It's also a numbers game. Invite a large number, and expect only a percentage of those to show up. I never know exactly how many will come. I have a general idea, after doing this a few times, but still it is a continual exercise in letting go of specific expectations. Create intentions and spaces, and let specific outcomes show up as they may. I've always been rewarded.

I start as much as a month before, but the sweet period seems to be about two weeks before. I invite guys, start making a list of "yes" "maybe's" and "no's." A few days before I send a personal text or email to each of the guys letting them know I'm looking forward to seeing them. A couple lines. And to many the day of the event, or the day previous. A one or two-lines.

I make sure the space if comfortable. Dark and colored sheets and pillow cases to protect my furniture. Condoms and lube for everyone. Lighting, music in the background, garbage cans tucked around the corner. Water, or drinks, and snacks like blueberries, gummy bears, nuts, mints, or whatever to keep up the energy.

Since I can tend to work myself up in a little frenzy of activity before-hand, I take a few minutes before-hand to literally lay on my back, breathe and be grateful, bless myself, bless the guys that are coming. This last time I also grabbed a towel and my warm glass dildo. Prepared and self-honoring. I'll be the host, and the guys will take much of their cues from me. I want be welcoming, cordial, and help set up the energetic space. Even though I do still get some jitters, I do this best from a place of groundedness.

Organize a group play event. You and the guys will thank you!

turn ons

A turn-on is defined in one dictionary as: something causing excitement or stimulating interest. I'd take it further. It's transitioning from one state of being to another. A different dimension.

5 turn-on ideas:

• allow plenty of time - start your date three hours early, out somewhere
• eat some very good chocolates and taste each other's lips
• fill up the tub with hot water, and both of you climb in to soak when he gets home

• prepare your environment - fancy sheets, candles, music
• massage gently with favorite oils, nice and slow... maybe with a blindfold or two

These are ideas and variations from the book Ethical Slut, which I've referenced before.

A lifetime or longer-term partner has a different feel in some ways than a shorter-term or one-time partner.

In exploratory exercises with your partner, languaging is important. Change your language, change your world. Instead of telling your partner, "turn me on," you might say, "let's find my turn-on," as well as visiting those known areas. It frees you both of alot of blame and responsibility, and frees you to enjoy.

holding back

In many cases its good to hold back.

If anyone saw the movie "Hitch" with Will Smith and Kevin James, this principle is one of the key points the "Love doctor" tried to teach Kevin Smith's over-eager character. Sometimes restraint is attractive. And throwing yourself at someone can turn them off.

The other night I came accross wonderfully sculpted wolverine look-alike in the hallway. He eyed me, I eyed him. It being the bath-house, we cross paths again shortly in another space, and slowed for a gentle smile and eye contact. One of us reached out to touch the abs (versus the crotch). I was amazed at the bulk of his muscles, particularly his ass and shoulders. But didn't spend alot of time on them with my hands. Think - restraint. We gently touched, then within a minute or two handled each others' hard-ons. Also a little restraint.

If I had immediately started groping his ass, or gone down on my knees to adore his half-flaccid cock, perhaps my over-eagerness would have scared him off. I'm generally put off when guys come at me like they're starving, too much too soon. If they're super hot its only slightly alleviated for a few minutes, as I digest the flattery of it, but then start to squirm away at his over-bearing pushyness.

I guess part of it is the dance. Perceptivity of what each other like. If he slows down for a few seconds to see what I like and don't like. And I "listen" enough to his body-language to "see" what he likes and dislikes, and respond appropriately. In the case of mr. wonderfully sculpted, after a few minutes I did let my hand follow the crack down of his two gluteus muscles. Amazing. My middle finger explored the masucline hairy zone to the rectum. He gently reached his hand back and moved my hand away to his lower back. Bingo: he doesn't want to be fingered. Listen. Set that expectation aside. Explore somewhere else, there are dozens, if not hundreds of other options.

Alot of guys bull-doze their way physically in what they like. If they like the nipples, even if I'm super ticklish there and keep moving their hands away, they keep pressing and trying to pinch the nipples. Annoying. Or a one-track top. Or the guy who keeps kissing like a snake - jutting his tongue out like the one-trick-wonder he's become. What would be more attractive is if he danced with his partner, taking into account the individual person's in front of him likes and doesn't.

In the above case with mr. wolverine, sometimes I wonder how someone so average like me can have the good fortune of mixing with such a hottie like him. I've often wondered this as I have the priviledge of playing with such beautiful men. There are many parts to the answer I think. 1. Shy. Many beautiful guys are shy to some degree or don't see themselves as beautiful deeply, so making the first gentle move is flattery to them, as they might be too shy to do so themselves. I'm suprised by how many guys are waiting for someone else to make the first move, or flirtation. 2. Confidence. People in general, inside or outside the bedroom, are grateful for a person with quiet confidence. Not arrogance. But still assurance. When I don't have it, I fake it, then I usually make it. Even being fairly average-looking myself, the confidence makes me attractive, I am told, and I believe. I am neither model-quality, nor the ugly duckling. Somewhere in the middle. I'm attracted to alot of guys like me too, boy-next-door, so why not believe that they can be attracted to me? 3. Restraint. In my head I'm not desperate. I tell myself that if this experience does not work out, I have the competence, skill, and happiness to find it elsewhere. Abundance over scarcity. There are many great guys in the world. I don't rush into kissing or groping or whatever. I think that restraint itself is attractive. In my long-term relationship this principle still applies, though its looks different. Perhaps a topic for another time. 4. Blessor. I see sex as a legitimate expression of love and kindness. An opportunity to "bless" others and myself, leaving us both feeling fuller and happier. And I see every human being as divine and special. The demonstrates in the smallest ways loudly: adjusting the pillow for his comfort under his head, a smile, hands that give not just take. Though both are fun. Lust is a great avenue for the divine. And he is divine. I really beleive that.

Now please don't misunderstand. I don't think its cool to hold back the truth, especially from your intimate partner(s). Holding back one's feelings - forever - is not generally good either. Holding back professionally questionable.

But I think we get the idea. Here's a clip from the movie. The character of Kein James has hired Will Smith's character to teach him how to romance. Funny true stuff: http://youtu.be/DSpJQlBJCzA

reassure him

We recently tried an exercise from the book Ethical Sluts. The two female authors suggest sitting together or separately with your intimate partner and writing a list of 10 things he can do to reassure you. These need to be behaviors, not emotions. For example, to say, "Love me more," is difficult to meet concretely, but "hold my hand" is an observable behavior. When done, share the list with each other.

Here are a few examples.
1. Touch me often.
2. Leave me a note.
3. Send me a text when I'm at work.
4. Snuggle with me for 5 minutes at night in bed.
5. Sit next to me.

6. Do the dishes.
7. Talk about our future together.
8. Do the laundry.
9. Prepare food for us.
10. Call me a sweet name, like love, or hon.

Yes, this requires some personal vulnerability. That's intimacy. It can be heavenly if you do it. This is not a demand list. But it sure helps to know how to reassure your partner.

how to kiss

A few weeks ago I held an intimacy group where we discussed and experimented physically with our experiences with kissing. There were some great insights which I thought I'd share here in this video. No, it's just me, no action shots just yet. But still some useful ideas.

Admittedly the video is amateur. The waves are kinda loud. I did alot of clipping, perhaps too much. (Trying to keep it brief, relevant, and frankly, cut out my stumbling parts). I ran out of battery. Lighting's not perfect. Sometimes its just plain cheezy. Yet I had fun making it, learning my camera movie options, positioning, editing software, special effects. And possibly it might provide some value or consciousness to someone.

I'm interested in making outside-the-box connections between sex and consciousness, visual stimuli and deep content, silly playful - profound magical - life journey type musings - skill acquisition - life competence and delight.

It's my first public appearance on my blog. That's a big step. With readers. The world. Family. Employers. Future relations. Once you go public on the internet, there's no taking back completely information shared. People of alternative sexuality or outside the mainstream have long risked loss of employment, housing, or other basics by being themsleves. Culture is changing. I want to be a part of that change.

I don't own you, and other principles of love

There are several principles that allow us to function as a polyamorous couple. They are definitely not our creations, we've gotten then from others at workshops, circles, conversations, and books.

1. I don't own you. You don't own me. I don't own where your eyes look. I don't own your behaviors, or your emotions, your clothing choices. Just because we've chosen to be together doesn't mean that somehow I decide things for you or own you. Slavery ended a while ago. You are your own free person with your own emotions, choices, friendships, and sometimes sexual partners.
2. We don't ask permission. We let eachother know, coordinate, and plan. If I really want to do something - meet with someone, exercise for an hour, take a trip, eat a burger, I don't ask permission. I do it. Because we love each other and consider each other in our decisions, we want to tell each other, and arrange a time when its convenient for the both of us. Calendar. Schedule together. We consider ourselves two equal, powerful adults.
3. My psyche is no longer just me. You are a part of my psyche, we are a unit together. When I make decisions I want to accomodate you, and bring you happiness. As such, though the previous point sound really individualistic, and is, and remains true, it is tempered by the fact that you are a part of my thoughts and wants. You are in my mind and heart when I plan my life. I consult you.
4. I know what I want and I ask for it. I might not get it, but I ask for it, knowing that I'll be more likely to get it.
5. Radical communication. Frequently. We tell it like it is in our hearts. We don't preach at eachother, but we tell eachother what's going on for us. We do the hard work that it takes to make an excellent relationship. We take this risk, and become vulnerable to each other. We remain civilized, and have learned to speak in language without blame. This, perhaps more than anything, has paid big dividends and brought us amazingly close. Often we are surprised by what's going on in the other's heart and mind. And most often endearingly surprised. It's hard. It's worth it.
6. I want an excellent relationship. I won't settle for a mediocre relationship. In fact, I insist on an excellent relationship. I'm willing to do the work for it to be excellent between us.

7. Love is a decision, not just a feeling. Even when I don't feel like it, I'll treat you in loving respectful ways. Because I've decided that you're one that I love. And when I act lovingly I usually feel loving towards you.

8. Amazing = amazing. Unsatisfying = unsatisfying. According to the book Sex Diaries, most people that SAY they have amazing sexual relationships, really do have them, consistently. People that always say they have unsatisfying sex, dull relationships, confrontational ones, or elusive ones, really do have them, consistently. In short, the type of sex we have is often a reflection of our attitudes. Its a pattern the author noticed in the thousands of diaries she gathered. People usually don't have a huge mix of good and bad sexual experiences. They're usually either characteristically amazing, or characteristically unsatisfying, statistically.

natural bottom?

Ha. Yeah right.

Some guy's individual anatomy accommodates anal action like a natural champ. Little or no practice or preparation.

But others, like me, have to prepare with a handy dildo... gently... slowly... keeping horny. I LOVE to bottom. If I'm properly prepared and my partner is considerate, it's heavenly. A little slow-mo at the beginning, then we can go to town!

Lately the routine is 10 - 20 minutes first in front of the mirror on my own. I get naked, lube up, and insert the dildo over several minutes. All the while stroking my cock gently to maintain arousal and pleasure. Altering positions and views heightens my experience. I take the dildo in and out a couple times and clean it thoroughly, lubing up after each time.

Then I can walk into the bedroom and sit on the waiting hard cock nearly instantly. If its a few minutes of foreplay, it's all still good too. I love discovering new options and worlds!