ass

Not much is taught to us about our ass. Many of us gay men - and straight men - use our ass for an interesting array of activities - or not.

I wish there was more know-how, conversation, and thus skill around this.

I'm going to do my usual thing and push boundaries a bit, in a hopefully stay-a-little-bit-classy sort of way. Here's a few images that convey some of the variety of energies and activities:

a horny guy fingers himself

Some guys feel more pleasure, others more pain. Some of us learn techniques that increase the possibilities for pleasurable sex. Part of it has to do with simple anatomy. One has to:

• get past the rectal sphincter muscles - allowing them to relax,
• get past inner bends (of varying lengths in varying men),
• conform the flexibility of the rectum/intestines with the flexibility of the erect penis,
• not to mention timing for cleanliness (depending on tolerances)

Fortunately there's also lube, dildos, toys, and clipped nails (lol).

 

1466 inspection of male urethra

Ultimately I think most of us guys that have sex with men look for ways to increase the pleasure and diminish the pain. A little gentleness and perseverance can sure pay off!


hairy

I'll admit I hadn't really paid that much attention to whether a guy is hairy or smooth. Until I started dating the man who affectionately melts me. He loves hairy on a guy. (And he got me, ha!) One of the first things he notices on a guy is the amount of hair to be seen coming up from a shirt neck-line. This peaks his curiosity and interest in a big way.

So I've started to notice this too. On a handful of occasions we've played with another guy, and I've watched with a smile on my face as he enjoys with his hands the hair on a guy's tummy, chest, legs. This is one of the great things about a man.

one of the actors - jake gyllenhaal
- I follow with more than casual interest

Every man is different. And that's precisely part of the beauty.

couple help

Two guy friends of ours are having marital troubles. They've been together for as long as I've known them, which is several years, and are still in their 20's. They used to be among the most connected people I know. I attended their wedding - amazing, call my own honey sweet things that I heard them say first, and have enjoyed their company and exemplary intimacy.

I'd hoped that they'd be together forever, but now that's looking doubtful. For the last couple years there's been this jealousy and moodiness that wasn't there before. They were pioneering (for me) in polyamory, intentional community, and several other things. And now they're sleeping in separate rooms.

If I could tell them anything in the world, from my perspective, knowing them, it would be this:

1. keep flirting!
2. bless him!

Let me explain:

1. Keep flirting with your husband. You flirt with others, so you can with him. What I mean by this is keep saying sweet things, texting him, taking him out on dates, being excited to see him. If you don't feel it, do it, and the feeling will likely come. If you feel all lovey, well show it to him too. Be creative, keep winning him over, not taking him for granted. Just because you've been together for years doesn't mean you still don't try to be your best for him.

If he says, "sweets, I feel like you don't want to have sex with me anymore," for hell's sake don't respond, "well I don't"! Take the bigger picture. He's vulnerable and expressing a very intimate feeling of inadequacy. Ask him instead, "what can I do to let you know I want to have sex with you?" or "the feeling changes from time to time, I think that's natural, but I do love you and want you." Reassure him.

A lot of people say nasty shit behind the veneer of "honesty." You don't have to be so "honest" sometimes that you're rude and unsophisticated. Words are hard to take back. Keep judgments minimal, and talk more about feelings and wants.

This leads to the second:

2. Bless him. Be the bigger one. Put on some grandfather archetypal energy. (Even the toddler, from his high-chair, sometimes reaches out and hugs his weeping mother, for example.) Support him and don't react sometimes.

If he's hurting, hold him for a few minutes. If you're both hurting, support yourself as best as you can, then shelf it for a bit, and be there for him. Somebody's got to start it. Then later he can reciprocate.

• Say the words he needs to hear.
• Do the things he really wants done.
• Connect in the way he wants to connect.
• Bless him in the ways that mean the most to him.

(For me, some of them are:

• touching me on the head,
• using a couple of sweet pet-names that we have [I can't believe I'm disclosing this, lol],
• putting both hands on my shoulders and saying, "hey, I'm here for you,"
• holding me from above me - not below me,
• coming and sitting next to me - touching lightly).

No amount of anger, withdrawnness, feeling butt-hurt, can't be eventually worked through. Nearly everyone needs reassured. When it comes to partners, usually frequently.

sex, boredom,& lovers

 

I recently chatted with a couple of men who I met through this blog who again confirmed what I have been finding: that many longer-term partners, regardless of love, have less sex after a few years together. That's less often and less involved (for example, less intercourse than before). Usually radically less often.

Frankly, it's a concept I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around. Usually I hear one partner wishing for more, and the other resisting. It's not a trend I want to follow, not if I can do anything about it.

One man, I'll call him beautiful eyes dual-continent skyper, says it's been less than a handful of times in the last five years with his partner. I asked him when it had slowed. He held up his hand with the wedding band on it, "when this came on."

Another man, I'll call him masturbation ritual champion, told me that he and his man don't have much intercourse anymore. They used to fuck nearly every day, now it's about monthly. Mostly it's jacking off and cuddling. He mentioned how connected he feels in intercourse.

Both of these men adore their partners and have no intention of leaving them. They were very clear on this.

The second guy referenced the book The Male Couple, which based on interviews, found that after 6 years none of the couples were monogamous, reportedly evidence for the "boredom factor" - which then supposedly leads to seeking sexual contact with new guys, as both of my new friends (and I) do. He also said he thought it's part of a declining-sex-with-partners-phenomena. "There's no expectation of learning anything new..."

I admit that there is a certain familiarity with a partner, okay, sometimes boredom might creep in. But this is no excuse for not changing it up, learning to communicate, and learning to give to each other. I also reject, for me, that I won't be learning or doing anything new with my partner. There are a million ways to get creative, to learn new things. Communication especially. And non-monogamy has been my ideal since I was 15, not tied to boredom.

From talking to the yearning partners, it seems to me that it is more a break-down in communication - on something that is really important - physical intimacy between partners - than anything else.

In my ideal world the bulk of my "sex diet" would be with my partner(s). Yes, I love sex with others. The newness is exciting, it's a different experience. In fact, in the last little while it's been from 2-4 times a month with someone else in person. Still it's exactly the familiarity and love with my partner that makes physical union with him - the man I've chosen to spend my life with - something pretty damn special. At times a whole different level of magic.

I refuse to let him off the hook at this point :). No pun intended, but it certainly fits here. I need that connection with him. Like I've said before, it doesn't have to be ejaculation or penetration, but it does have to be closeness, for me at least.

To many couples I thought were indestructible, no sex between them eventually became a red flag for one or both of them. Some have separated.

Other couples we know get by on less. Still, one partner usually cites this as less than ideal. And I suspect if you asked them each, they might agree.

A common statistic does not have to be pre-destiny!

love my city

I love my city. So many progressive signs everywhere, like this homo-erotic silly poster.

slave girl sex lesson

A slave girl teaches a newlywed Daenerys, wife of savage warrior Khal Drogo, how to make most of what gods bestowed upon her. (taken from episode 2 of Game of Thrones - the series) click here or on the image below

This is one of the more influential sex scenes I've seen. It encapsulates several beautiful and important ideas. What do you learn from it? 

Initially, like is the lot of many women and humans in the world, Daenerys is more raped than anything else by her new powerful husband. He is larger. The law and culture is on his side.

With the fortunate teaching of a slave girl, she learns to use sex, one of her realms where she is partner to Khal Drogo, to her advantage and increased equality and power, like some women and lovers were able to do. (This in no way condones rape.) Sex is one of the most coveted realms of most humans. It can go many levels, from simply carnal transforming to a whole other dimension. 

She eventually wins his heart, and vice-versa. The ensuing union is one of greater equality. In my opinion, she, as many humans have throughout history, won this place largely in the other-worldly realm of sexual union. Conscioulsy.

 

It pleases me that a human being's position and condition can be increased. She becomes, through many of her own efforts, his "moon of my life."

lots of taboos

from scottblog

Even with a blog called inner taboo, there are still many things that people consider too forbidden to discuss - subjects that most people don't think you should really talk about in public. Whether because people have strong judgements against them, or think they're a little creepy, or because it is something we're "not supposed to" discuss, these social codes influence the edges of what I post.

Some of them, in varying degrees of fobiddenness, are:

• rape
• masks
• religion
• sex with minors
• drug/chemical usage
• sex with someone other than your partner
• feces
• pissing

• unflattering things about your intimates
• illness
• AIDS details
• sexual experience of people with disability
• sex between relatives
• sex with animals
• asking someone about their income
• revealing highly-visible professions
• fantasies not about your partner, when you're with your partner
• fantasies involving coercion, crime

• non-condom usage
• orgies
• non-monogamy
• anger or sadness, or "scary emtions"
• transexual surgeries
• gender bending

There are things, even here on this blog, that are too taboo, or would make even this liberal readership, uncomfortable. Some I fully agree with, like writing unflattering things about my partners. Others I dance with just because that is our present cultural attitude. Despite our advances in the sexual revolution, there are many things that people still keep to themselves, even though they think about them, or wish they could discuss them.

old west prostitution

in Denver

I took an "underground tour" of Seattle and discovered that prostitution was strong in its early days. As a mining and shipping town, the vast majority of its inhabitants were men. Not that I would have been complaining. Entrepreneurial women found that while the average man made $1 a day, they could make $25 a day in one of the oldest professions around. Most history books don't make any mention of this. At the gift shop there I purchased a book called Soiled Doves, Prostitution in the Early West, by Anne Seagraves, and found it an interesting read, despite the author's very judgemental stance.

I discovered that there were various sorts of establishments, from parlor houses, high-class brothels, to saloons, hurdy gurdy dance halls, volume brothels, cribs, and streetwalkers. Among the Chinese communities in the Western U.S. there were also slave girls.

"The girls employed in these [high volume] brothels worked in shifts. They were older, less attractive, and most used drugs or alcohol... The madams offered quantity, not quality, and they wanted a quick turnover with a fast profit. The men came to a brothel for one reason, and they were in a hurry to get on with it. It was a house without rules and anything the man wanted he received... A fast prostitute could take care of as many as 25 men, or more, during her very busy shift."

Wow. The madams, ladies in charge, were of all types. Some were very powerful in their cities, like Eastern U.S. cities mobsters. Some were ruthless. Some were matronly, and taught their girls to read and write, other languages, and within a couple of years found them wealthy husbands. I found it interesting that many entrepreneurial women found ways to save their money and form a multitude of other businesses.

"Although these women were considered immoral, it must be remembered that it was acceptable for a man to visit a prostitute, but the woman was condemned for being one."

Our society has not come very far on many of these issues, even with our sexual revolution. And still this ancient trade will not be wiped out.

paid rape

A friend of ours did some porn shoots this last year. He's a cutie and a hottie (not the guy above). The company flew him to Texas where he did a couple of shoots. Problem is, now he has a hard time getting an erection, for the first time in his life, in his early 20's. He doesn't like to talk about it, but I don't like some of the things he explained about his experience.

First off, they didn't use condoms. The guys are frequently tested, and are asked to only have sex with their screen partners in between periods of testing. But how archaic is that? And how trustworthy? To ask a guy not to wear protection while having anal sex, as a matter of policy for a company making money off these guys, is irresponsible, regardless of the measures.

Secondly, he described a lot of painful experiences. The guys were hot, but he felt pressured to do things he normally didn't, and faster than he normally did them - like bottoming aggressively quickly. Talk about painful, and tearing. I'd call that paid rape. He's younger and doesn't speak up as much for himself. It is a predatory - or at least thoughtless - company that does not care for the well-being of its models off whom it makes money. I've seen scenes on other websites where the guy bottoming is wincing, grimacing, and pushing the top guy away, and the top just grabs and thrusts deeper. Not cool. Yeah, you could say he's getting paid. But no amount of money or argument justifies non-consensual hurtful sex. It's sex that a guy limps away from, that wounds his future sex-making experiences.

Of course, looking at the picture above, I wouldn't want anyone to judge me by some of the faces I pull while in intense sexual experience :). Just that I think one can tell whether the guy is actually having a good time, or whether he is in pain, or bored, or just enduring the thing. I've seen experiences on paid porn websites which seem like paid rape to me. Rape is defined as the unlawful compelling of a person through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

A lot of thoughtless porn companies use models for a handful of high-intensity sessions, then discard them, in my view, once the problems they created start manifesting. Like our friend, who now is sensitive to pain and has erection problems, problems likely psychological from a not-so-laughable trauma. Hopefully he's still clean physically. Of course, it's not just porn that does this, but professional American football, and other industries - a tangeant for another day.

Thirdly he and others have said that the "fun" is actually a lot of work... posing for the right camera angles, sustaining stamina for countless stop-and-goes for photographs or producer directions, etc. It's not so much your idea of good sex, but the producer's ideas about what looks like good sex on camera. It seems to kill the camaraderie between you and the other guy(s) and closeness, and it takes a unique guy to be able to withstand all of the demands and still sustain his sexiness.

I DO think there is a place for porn. I love it. In the same breath I'm often bored by it. Or appalled by it. Though we all have our edge as to what we like to see or experience, I would like to see more ethically responsible companies and shoots. Even porn that teaches us something. I think there is an opportunity for more creative - awake - beautiful porn that teaches and gives value.

fingernails

One of the first things I think of when I see longer finger nails is, "Ouch! that would hurt if he was fingering me."

request vs. demand

"Suck it!" he said. Problem was, I wasn't really feeling it... nor the fact that he thought an order was acceptable. I respond very poorly to orders, and much better to requests, as I imagine most people do, sex or not. But being gracious whenever possible is also good, so I just smiled.

Sexual behavior is often demonstrative of some of our underlying beliefs. You can learn a lot about a person here.  And a person can learn a lot about life in this arena.

A request is a suggestion with an option to do or not. A demand insists in one outcome. A request and a demand might sound alike at first: "Sweetheart, will you wash the dishes in the sink?" If it's a demand, non-compliance results in punishment of some sort - maybe the silence treatment, no sex for you, whatever. A request makes itself known but does not insist on only one outcome.

Even when we get really comfortable with someone its still important to make requests and not demands. Some people call this non-violent communication. Making a request implies that we might not get what we want, or we may. It's still really worthwhile because at very least our partner (and self) know what we want!

good sex

good sex is more about feeling good than looking good

 

judging

Yesterday family were trying to push a bunch of candies on me. I declined. They insisted. And insisted. And insisted. I explained that I'm on day 151 of no sugar. Why? You're always on some weird food experiment. Why are you doing that? Well - I'm trying to reach 365 days without any processed sugar. I still do eat mango, and honey, and maple, etc. Why?...

They rolled their eyes. But you're so skinny. You don't need that. They were just getting started... so I stopped them with a silly cliché - don't judge me please! - and a little smile. They stopped. They saw what they were doing.

Instead they might have said, I'm concerned about... That's a novel idea... Have you considered...? Tell me more about... What is motivating you...?


Our modern society often teaches us to judge in our speech. "That's nice." "It's too much." "You're slow at that." "I hate it." "He's so smart." We label almost everything as "good" or "bad" (thank you judeo-christianity). In it's most violent forms it results in name-calling like: stupid, essentric, angel, stud, weirdo. Even with people at work I'm astounded. When modern people get angry, or react spontaneously, frequently the first thing out of their mouths is a judgement.

At the bottom of this is people's feelings, concerns, emotions. Why not say instead: I'm feeling... [sad, happy, jealous, angry, afraid...]. We're trained to speak judgements. But underneath of that mask are natural human wants and fears. I'd rather hear those!

Judgements tend to close and stop communication. So instead of passing out judgement, it might serve us to be open to hearing different viewpoints, hearing what is in people's hearts. We just might find out that other viewpoints are very much like the ones we have.

flirt but no

I find it unsettling to have a guy flirt, but then push away. Talk about sex, gaze into the eyes, touch lightly in public settings, but then pull away when I sit close. A total mind-fuck. Some guys don't even realize they're doing it.

 

Conversely, I get the tremendous satisfaction from a guy that's into me, and vice versa. That's part of the joy of intimacy for me. That's part of the magic.

A while back we went to a gay strip bar in Key West, Florida. There were beautiful Russian guys dancing almost naked standing on the bar. I'm not nervous at a bathhouse, or a naked beach, but I found myself being nervous to enter. The thought of someone interested in me only for money might have been part of it. Too much thinking perhaps. Somehow I want whatever sexual or intimate experience to be genuine. Sensing sincere excitement, or lust, or desire is hot. Without it I'm not game.

There's all sorts of flirting going on. Some guys flirt for advantage. Some guys flirt to engage. Flirting is communication, and I prefer it when people send signals consistent with what their intentions are.

listeners

a pic from Pho3nix86 on dudes nude, with his permission

It seems that most people either listen well, or not. Some people prefer to talk.

I'm amazed by the number of competent and successful people who speak over others, interrupt without a second thought, routinely. In high-power careers where efficiency and profit is the model, we are encouraged to streamline conversations, get to the point, and cut off someone who is errant from our aims. Supervisors follow us with clipboards and timers to measure our human interactions for efficiency. Waiters interrupt guests and speak over them. Doctors focus dialogues. But then we go home to our spouses and friends, camp with our buddies, or talk to our kids, and keep on speaking over eachother, changing the conversation to what we want, not listening. Where do we teach someone to listen without an agenda?

I grew up in mostly third and second world countries, where listening was much different. Social inclusion, people's emotional state, and pleasantries are central. People greet, and take a few minutes on phone conversations to ask about the wife, the kids, the job. It's rude otherwise. That is part of the wealth of some of these countries' - and the "developed" nations' poverty. Cultures influence listening skills.

It's a peeve of mine and it riles me a bit, to be cut off, ignored, turned away from, left mid-sentence by colleaugues, friends, inner circles, even wait staff. In my inner circles I can speak up about it. In the world I live in, I can go around upset, or I can learn to be graceful, even where there's not a lot of grace. Maintain listening, even when others don't. There's a lot of people starving to be heard. This knowledge softens my stance.

Wouldn't it be nice if people could be both: good listeners and good expositors?

gay % densities

with friends

While at work one of my co-workers told me her philosophy on gays. She said, that just like in the animal kingdom, when population densities increase, there are an increased number of gay people. I laughed out loud.

She said, no, seriously, studies in mice show that when populations get denser, there is more same-gender sex. I mused out loud that my dad is a veterinarian, and I read in his medical books that among steer in crowded pens, usually they will mount a "designated" steer (also fellow-male cow).

I brushed it aside, there's more to it than that. But have been thinking about it. Another factor?

closeted weird fantasies



The closet does funky things to many of us. Living in secrecy. Yet having all of these sexual desires with no outlet. Our mind tries to come up with outlets, however outlandish, or risky, dangerous, illegal, seemingly out-of-line with our image, or whatever.

A while ago I was helping a very physically sick gentleman, accomplished and prestigious, in line with my work. When his wife was not there he'd subtly expose himself to me as I completed my tasks. When other workers entered the room, he'd cover himself. It's as if he was trying to start something. I was surprised, in a way, because of his position, leadership, image, and crisp insightful mind in other realms. Of course I didn't act on it. Just found myself amused and thinking.

But not really surprised either.

I can remember when I wasn't out to myself or others. I had some pretty far-out fantasies, most of which I'm embarassed to share. My sexual energy was still high. Consciously I was trying to squelch it. Subconsciously, this energy was trying to find expression. One fantasy I had was to buy and place a remote microphone near the bed of a friend I had a crush on. So that I could hear his sexual activity. Another fantasy was to find cum on his underwear. Etc. Etc.

Other fantasies that people have involve being fucked or fucking someone you don't know, finding the door open, doing it, then leaving, or gloryholes, or airport stall ventures (talk about risky), or sex with animals, or sex with children (talk about illegal), or copulation with people who don't decide to be a part of it, or paying for sex, etc. I won't get into all of it, nor pass judgement, but simply note that some things are illegal, some things are non-consensual, and that there are more direct methods of having a beautiful experience that you'll feel good about after, and can look back with no regret, and have again with that person if you both want.

When I read in the newspaper about adult men who have sex with a child on the down-low, or any other sort of disproportionate power-play, besides feeling for the victim, I often think how much more fulfilled that man might be by seeking adult consensual sex. Maybe I'm being simplistic. I wonder how much horrific crime we could prevent by encouraging openness and "healthy" sex. Oppressive religions or codes don't help by censoring this topic and forbading its expression for entire swaths of a person's life - pre-marriage, etc. Or for entire lifetimes: priests, widows, divorcees, etc. Maybe we'd have less sex crimes?

Now that I have plenty of sex of a direct nature, most of these more side-ways fantasies for getting sex have evaporated. Instead of imagining, I request it with a consensual partner, and feel fulfilled. I like this much more direct method of need fulfillment.

To not be misunderstood, I think that there still is a healthy place for specific likes and fantasies, among them consensual bondage, I find harnesses very sexy, group scenarios, blindfolds, specific likes for feet, or whatever other parts. Other people get into specific sexual acts that while I don't yet have an interest for, I respect them and am glad that they bring enjoyment. There's a huge world to explore.

I feel for the closeted guys - and gals - who live one life publicly, and yet are trying to find quieter and round-about ways of hearing their sexual voice. Screaming sexual voice in some instances. The politician or minister. The bored spouse. The "good boy." The leader in his field with a certain image. Or whatever construct people have in their heads. I see them all around me. I've been there too.

My belief is that many of our leaders with charisma and gift to the world also have a high libido, or drive for intimacy, whatever you want to call it. Genius or affinity in many realms. Examples, in my mind, are John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Bill Clinton, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson. Many of these men had non-conventional approaches to intimacy, and whether by conscious intention or "slip of character" expressed themselves so. My view is that there is nothing "wrong" or "right" about parts of this, that it just is, and that it is suits us to take a look at it and be awake about what we're doing. The world is a safer place when there's plainspoken, heart-honest dialogue.

Not everyone has as high of libido. Examples abound here too.

One solution for those of us that think about sex often is to give it expression. Consciously. Honestly. In a way that is self-honoring first, and honoring of others.

Another thing is to not get caught up on the person. Attached beyond reason. This I've only learned by doing it poorly myself first. There are so many beautiful people out there, many of whom one can have a sexual / intimate experience with just by asking. Some will say no. Some will say yes. That's okay. In some ways its a numbers game. You go through a number of contacts until you find the right match / matches. In this age when technology connects people of certain interests amazingly, it is freeing to realize that there are many wonderful guys out there just like me/you. And that our desires can be met superbly.



one of the sweetest photos I've taken

yey washington

Jane and Pete-e celebrate their marriage this weekend
35 years together

I have the extremely good fortune of having moved to Washington, where gay marriage was approved by a majority of mainstream voters last month. This is for the first time in U.S. history. Previously in other states it has been by a legislative or judiciary vote, but not by a voter referendum. Maryland and Maine also recently approved gay marriage by popular vote. This is what makes it so significant to me, and melts my heart. No wonder I've been happy this weekend, as the newspaper headlines highlight beautiful people in love getting married. At long last. Thank you compassionate people of Washington. I wouldn't have guessed that this move would have meant so much to me, and that I would be at the heart of a historic space for "my people" and all people. A triumph for love.

exercise variety

This picture comes from a Burning Man email newsletter. I'm hoping to go again next year. Besides being beautiful, it seg-ways into a couple random thoughts. Exercise can get boring if one does the same thing all the time - but there are an endless world of possibilities to keep it fresh. The above pic is one example. I'm looking forward to checking into a few possible circus-like gyms locally. Today for cardio I danced. Total feel-good. The possibilities are about as infinite as creativity. (Gymnastics, paddle-boarding, fucking without cumming for a while, wrestling, yoga, tai chi, dancing of various types - youtube is a fun motivator, running, biking, rowing, speed-lifting, power-stretching, hiking with a heavy pack, swimming, joining a soccer team, water polo team, and so on.)

tall legs

I think that there's something incredibly hot about tall legs - maybe because I don't have them :).

Where do your eyes first go when you look at a guy? It's different for everyone it seems. I tend to look at butts, calves, faces, and waists. Others look at packages, faces, hair on the chest - peeking up through the neck of the shirt. A previous roommate looked at hands first. There's lots of beauty all around us.

A picture like this gets something going below my navel!