how I met my honey

The short answer of how I met my Honey: online.

The longer story: I'd turned 37 and was going to school for the second time. There were three break-throughs for me. As cliche as some of the language might sound, this was my reality.

break-through #1: surrendering my heart to love

I'd dated a couple of guys for several months, and - taking the suggestion of a friend - "let go" and let myself fall in love - with a guy. Wow. To allow another person to love me fully. And to love him fully. Without reservation.

So breaking up with the last man was the hardest thing ever. I cried and cried. I feel like I understand what it is to be divorced on some level. Boy I'd loved him, and still do, even though it wouldn't work. I include these details because I think it's important to surrender to love, to being vulnerable enough to give one's heart to someone.

Dating, I found out what I would have, and would not have. A must (for me): someone who listened. Also, someone who was introspectively honest, and good at communication. Not to mention attractive to me. I thought that I could ask that he be at least what I felt some competence in: listening, a regular level of fitness, emotionally awake to himself.

 

break-through #2: loving my body

I'd long thought that my body was too imperfect. Those love-handles and that stubborn soft pooch under my navel particularly. I looked at other guys like me, and could easily like them. But to think that another quality guy would sincerely love me in my body was a stretch. Rationally I could see my folly, but emotionally I was still attached to this resistant idea.

I knew too that if I hoped for another to love me, it had to start with me viewing myself with sincere compassion and like. Why love everyone else except the very man who is me? Didn't I deserve to be loved and mentored, blessed by my own archetypal wiser self? So I started with simple exercises, that at first were an outrageous and ridiculous stretch: stand in front of the mirror after a shower, and love all the parts of me. Particularly the "tougher" parts to love. To look with gratitude, thankfulness, and feel gladness. Would I do me? Or someone like me? The answer had to be yes. And with a little humor it was. For some guys this wouldn't be a stretch... in fact it'd be a stretch to stop thinking of themselves... but for me at this point this was a useful exercise. Because then I could open the door for someone to love me fully.

As hokey as it might sound to some, taking an idea from Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, I'd bless distinct body parts as I washed over them with soap in the shower, or similar. The thighs, the abdomen, the knees, the toes, the obliques, the pecs, the hands. Pause and be grateful for the contribution. Love, really. Getting the vibrations right and well. Not in an arrogant way. More in a profound spiritual way... grounded, humble, at times close to tears for thankfulness... all those years neglected, but still they had served me, and now, I came to acknowledge them and see them. I still don't always love my body. But I can be grateful and self-loving.

break-through #3: blue-printing in my heart

A group of us went nude-hiking in Hawaii and met a wonderful man, who I'll call Rico, that lived on a large property with his two husbands. It was a beautiful tropical paradise with multiple little structures. He said that years ago as a young man he'd climb into a tree and imagine the parts of his life that he wanted. At times when he couldn't think or dream clearly, he just sit up there perched, and be specifically grateful. This always got him flowing in a good way, and then able to dream. He dreamed his house, his property, his businesses, and the two men in his life who he loved living with him. Now in his 70's or 80's, he still resonated with gratitude, with all the things he'd dreamed a reality.

I decided that on my commute to work or school every morning at 5:30 a.m. I'd spend 7 minutes imagining the man of my dreams, emotionally feeling grateful for him as if he were in my life already. I timed it. A small goal that I knew I could do. A mental and heart exercise. I did this for two months. Many mornings I wept with amazement at my good fortune. The details of how his face might look weren't clear to me. I pictured though a tall-ish man with broad shoulders who loved me and adored me. I pictured loving him and adoring him. I pictured being 70 years old and looking back with amazement, my heart full and quivering. So glad to be with him, loving him more and more. Amazed at my serenity, the sense of calmness and security settling me. Knowing he loved me unconditionally.

Meanwhile I'd been active on a few social sites. I'd still hook-up, what other people would call frequently. And date. And be open to loving and allowing relationships to flower in whatever fashion they might, or not. I'd gone through one site and book-marked several guys that I was attracted to and thought might be "marriage material," then emailed them with a flirt/compliment and a frank invitation to go on a date. I shot high, emailing even guys, especially even guys, that I was intimidated by. I think three responded. Two of them I interacted with online, they seemed interested too, but arrogant. Self-centered, all about them. A turn-off.

The third guy appeared confident, but also humble. He responded that he'd like to go on a date. We met at the Cheesecake Factory, and talked frankly about our lives and intentions. Sparks flew, but I restrained myself, hoping to secure a bit more time with him, and didn't get down his pants until the third date, quite an accomplishment in and of itself :).

All the feelings I felt, or opened the door for, in the car on my way to work, I now feel often for this Man With Whom I Intend to Spend the Rest of My Life With. A tremendous security in his and our love. There's more to it than I've written. And I don't mean to imply that I've got the cookie-cutter answer for finding a mate(s), or that all people will find their Love(s) in like manner. But I do think there are some common pathways of opening up ourselves to allowing what we really want to coincide with our behaviors, our thoughts, our emotions. For me, it's not enough to just think it, it must be felt too. And if that means conjured, or pre-event, pre-consumation, pre-creation blue-printing your castle in the sky, your dream-come-true, then by all means the work of emotionally dreaming up your world from a place of it's-already-here-gratitude is worth it.