keeps us together

Two things have kept my partner and I together so far, among many other things. They are: 1. Giving each other's bodies and time to eachother, and 2. Blessing each other. Recently we've had several friends, male-male couples, break up or go through some difficult times. While there are many factors, including basic need-fulfillment and compatibility, these are among the top two learnable traits that I see as being helpful in sustaining a long-term relationship.

1. Give each other's bodies to each other. Maybe I don't feel like it, but if he does, I humor him. And funny thing is, energies can shift pretty quickly. Sex is at the root of many couple's problems. We know couples that love eachother dearly, but haven't had sex more than a couple of times a year. For some it really bothers them. Or couples that are sad not to be getting more from their partner. Or in a certain way. (I haven't heard of one couple yet complain that there's too much sex between them, though I imagine they exist somewhere.)

My body is my own. It doesn't belong to my partner. His body does not belong to me. But we give it freely to eachother, within the bounds of respect, love, and primal urge. We have this spoken agreement. If he's tired, and I want to be sexual with him, then the burden of the sexual activity is mine. And vice versa. Oh darn. We generally don't say no to each other. I'm flattered and find that most often my mood changes to match his desire and enter this magical realm if I didn't feel it initially.

Giving the body is also a start to giving time, interest, going jogging if he wants to go jogging, or giving other non-sexual and non-physical things freely. Just because I value him, and know that I'm building one of the things that are most important to me: us.

2. Bless each other. This looks like one of us being the "big boy" or the calm and collected one for the other, especially when he needs it. We take turns taking this role for each other. Maybe he's stressed before a big dinner that we're about to host, and I take a moment to gather him in my arms, look him in the eyes, and see him. And thank him, and remember why we're both doing this. Or maybe I'm feeling insecure about something, and he holds me and whispers sweet reassurances. It also looks like one of us doing more listening, suspending reaction till another time, just supporting. All focus on the other person for a few minutes.

When a person feels heard, seen, appreciated, they can continue in a much better space.

This hit home to me in listening to two good friends, a couple in trouble. One would express his sexual insecurities (a very vulnerable spot). The other would react flatly that what was communicated was not his intention. I wished instead that he had not reacted, at least for a time, and simply supported his partner for a bit. Put on some grandfather or wise sage energy, set his own issues aside for a bit, a be there for his man. His turn would come later. But one at a time. Listen, hear, encourage the other partner to say what they're wanting to say. Or comfort when they're down for no apparent reason. Not fixing so much as supporting.


These two things help in the pursuit past a medicre or average relationship to an excellent one.