innertaboo.blogspot.com to innertaboo.com

a friend's coffee mug

This is the last post you'll see here. All new blogging will be done at the below link.

I made the decision to transition to a .com several months ago. This will make it easier to remember, and allow readers to bypass the content warning page. Please use the below link to head over to the new site!

innertaboo.com

The new blog site is still not all fleshed out. It might not feel quite like home yet. In fact it will take me a while to transition everything over, plus the near-daily continual new posts. But you will begin to see several new directions that add content and value, I hope.

summer time

Dmitry Zhilinsky, Bathing soldiers (The builders of a bridge), 1959

Normally Washingtonians, I'm told, have a cooler air about them, to match the temperateness of the Northwest. But come summer everyone warms up a bit - matching the rising barometer. People who would normally hunker in with their coffee are now eager to make invitations to get outside together.

It's not just about getting out in nature, it's also about being more social.

I grew up in various South American nations where the warmth of the climate was definitely reflected in the cultural warmth. Interesting parallels.

compassion course

Several months ago I noticed that some of my co-workers seemed afraid of me. Or at least unsure of how to deal with me.

I didn't know how to deal with my anger. My best attempts seemed frustrating for both parties at best. I see that this is a common theme for many young men, men in general, and even society in general.

I stumbled across this compassion course online and signed up for it. It's provided me several new understandings and skills already to begin this journey.

"The lessons explain and demonstrate ways of thinking, speaking and acting that allow us to get through conflict without hurting or hating."

"In the same way that we humans have developed other technologies, the technology of compassion has developed too. The course provides clear ideas and practices to help us experience more compassion, connection and fun. That said, it is challenging and calls on our perseverance, practice, focus and dedication."

You have until July 2 to sign up for this year's round of this online course. I don't have any financial interest in this group, just think its a priceless gift.

bert and ernie

Bert and Ernie have been watched in the West by kids for decades. Their close friendship has sparked all sorts of fantasies and speculation :).

Will we ever know?

don't push

Don't push!

Pushing during defecation as a lifestyle can lead to hemorrhoids, which are the rupturing or swelling of blood vessels in the area.

More than 75% of Americans will have hemorrhoids at some point in their lives. Part of this is because of our culture of urgency, in which everything must happen now. It is recommended that a person sit and let a bowel movement come naturally.

The absence of fiber in a diet can also cause hardened stool, also possibly increasing hemorrhoid occurrence.

I thought of this as a friend talked to me about his hernia, and I recommended that he not do any strenuous pushing. I wish that this was a fact taught in schools and known by the mainstream. Why don't they teach these important things in schools? Such simple solutions or helps.

My work in healthcare exposes me to interesting cases, seeing rectal prolapse, polyps, and variations in individuals and medical conditions and heredities. Growing up in a medical household, I browsed anatomy diagrams from a young age, showing profound abnormalities in pictures. While initially repelled somewhat, it was something that also intrigued me. Curiosity for what's beneath our skin, and the beauty of the human system is a recurring theme.

The above diagram, for example, reveals that the descending colon is on the LEFT. In hospitals we encourage bed-bound patients who need to encourage a bowel movement to lay on their left side, assisting the natural curvature and flow.

My mind also asks questions, like, is there an increased risk of rectal prolapse in gay men who have a lot of rectal sex? How is the anal sphincter affected in the long term with certain kinds of activities? Does the use of lubricants and gentle relaxation exercises with toys - like incremental dildos - decrease the incidence of problems?

 Greater research in the areas of our populations and sub-populations is needed. Still, much is known that can be helpful.

journal: fucked, island, mentee

pictures from my first studio erotic shoot
by a talented local photographer -
JayBee, website: frisky frolic 

8:03 a.m. saturday: frottage sex with giggly honey - turned to raw aggressive energy - very satisfying

1:47 p.m. monday: gift sex - fucked by biggest cock I've probably ever taken - on my way there in the car sat on my dildo - only increased how horny I felt

11:22 a.m. thursday: islander closeted ripped guy - who was probably a gemini - hungry roll and mutual beat off

5:23 p.m. thursday: conversation with mentee-like friend visiting us for the weekend. I was so happy to hear him repeating some of the phrases I told him 3-4 years ago, like "nobody owns me," "I told my boyfriend from the start...". This from a sexy man who used to get hit by his boyfriend, told what he could and could not do, and hid his polyamorous nature. He can sure talk a blue-streak, has a heart of gold to build others up, and a sex drive like the energizer bunny.

10:11 p.m. friday: post erotic photo shoot jack off in the shower with muscled busy sweet friend with huge heart

7: 55: a.m. saturday: horny quickie with partner, pseudo-fucking. So glad to connect before a busy weekend of hosting and social fun.

weeping intercourse

Wow, it's been three days since I blogged. I normally don't let that much time go, but we had guests in, body-painting for the local naked bike parade (pictures coming soon), hosting a little dinner, a photo shoot, and other weekend events. I finally got to my computer!

* * *

Have you ever cried from the emotion of sexual intercourse? I don't mean from any pain. I mean from the sense of emotional or cosmic intimacy.

I had dated him for several months, and he was the first man I'd allowed myself to love this much. I'd intentionally opened my heart to the vulnerability. This knowing that I was taking a risk of heartbreak.

A few months into it I sensed that it would not last. But we loved each other so deeply. I'd never loved anyone this much.

Mostly I topped him when it came to intercourse. On two or three occasions when he was topping me, gentle, looking into my eyes, we panting with the magic, I wept both because I loved him so much, and also thinking of the tragedy that was soon to come - our separation. Grief for a loss that was coming, but was not yet. Loving him to my heart's bursting.

He'd wipe my tears and cry too. Great drops landing on my face.

I love that man to this day. It would not work. AND that does not diminish the spot that he has in my heart forever.

mooning arches.

with friends at the arches

Browsing through my pictures I found the above image and it brought a smile to my face. I'm on the left, and the other two are a wonderful couple with about 30 years in between them.

They are both very attractive men. Interesting how the butt sometimes wears! Note to self: watch that hinny.

two transmitters, no receivers syndrome

stevewalkerartist.com - beautiful male art

He loaded the groceries into the fridge.

I quizzed him on the cheeses and how long they'd been in the fridge.
He answered about molds, softnesses, and how cheeses are made.

Impatient, I clipped his answers short.

Later, sitting in my low mini Ikea chair, I wanted to converse.

Chatted about something or other.
Not minding my words.

He excused himself to work on his laptop.

Coming back up to sit in the same room.

 

Two lovers wanting to connect.

At different times.

As another writer I read yesterday put it:
two transmitters, no receivers syndrome.

I sat perplexed at first.

What went wrong?

Remembering to speak kindly to myself.

Hearing softly what it was that I was wanting. 

Seeing past the head-speak.

 

First I'd forgotten to love myself.

To sit down and recuperate myself after the last two hours at the grocery store.

 

I'd forgotten then to love him,
and see his heart.  

Bask in his essence...

Happiness crept back in.

I could see where to go from here.

ass

Not much is taught to us about our ass. Many of us gay men - and straight men - use our ass for an interesting array of activities - or not.

I wish there was more know-how, conversation, and thus skill around this.

I'm going to do my usual thing and push boundaries a bit, in a hopefully stay-a-little-bit-classy sort of way. Here's a few images that convey some of the variety of energies and activities:

a horny guy fingers himself

Some guys feel more pleasure, others more pain. Some of us learn techniques that increase the possibilities for pleasurable sex. Part of it has to do with simple anatomy. One has to:

• get past the rectal sphincter muscles - allowing them to relax,
• get past inner bends (of varying lengths in varying men),
• conform the flexibility of the rectum/intestines with the flexibility of the erect penis,
• not to mention timing for cleanliness (depending on tolerances)

Fortunately there's also lube, dildos, toys, and clipped nails (lol).

 

1466 inspection of male urethra

Ultimately I think most of us guys that have sex with men look for ways to increase the pleasure and diminish the pain. A little gentleness and perseverance can sure pay off!


orgy in a dream

Last night I had an unusual orgy dream. Unusual because I hardly ever dream of orgies or actual penetrative sex.

I dreamed that some of my buddies were lounging around in a crowded apartment cuddling and talking. I pulled out the video camera. Tal Oregon Cutie asked me to film him. He sat in the window sill and Diminutive Smiley Flirt sat on his cock.

Interestingly soon my parents were in the room, on the floor, and my dad penetrated my mom in the same public fashion, he on his back. Mind you, I've NEVER had a dream of my parents having sex before. It's not something I think about really, or had any strong emotions about during the dream.

Next - in the dream - we were out in a wide desert and I was trying to find the orgy. I had another friend with me. I spoke to the person in charge, who assured me I'd find it. Looking around, the desert was flowing with water everywhere - mini-water-falls every few dozen meters. I settled on the ground with a group of guys waiting...

Often dreams parallel our awake-world experiences. Or dreams can appear to make no sense at all. In this case in "real life" I'd been thinking about HUMP, the local amateur porn festival and filming something with a handful of guys I know. But the parents-in-intercourse scene came completely out of nowhere. I'm amused actually because it represents something new and fresh.

I took a 12-week Jungian dreams course with four students in group format. We kept dreams journals and learned fascinating and useful strategies for the intersections of these two worlds - the awake world and dream world.

One of the concepts we learned is that recurrent nightmares with strong negative emotions can represent an area in our conscious life where we are stuck. Not until it is flowing again does the dream evolve to a new scenario, or stop being a nightmare. So the coming of new imagery and situations in dreams is often parallel with growth  - a good sign.

Dreams are often partially a mystery. We can uncover part of the meaning, but need not become too obsessed with explaining every detail. In fact, we can't. We can instead hold images or the question in our mind.

Dreams in many cultures represented great wisdom. Perhaps a portal to a very-real world of ancestors or other dimension. Perhaps if we are not addressing something in the conscious world, it makes itself manifest in the unconscious world. Thus achieving a balance and groundedness greater than our own individual wisdom. Using big words - a psychological homeostasis is achieved. Dreams unblock areas where flow is needed in our awake life.

This particular dreams teacher, in response to a question I had about sex in dreams, said that often people with a full or satisfactory sex life don't hardly dream of sex. Just like a functional partnership or relationship. But sex appears more frequently in dreams when it is missing or needing resolution on some front. Interesting trends.

wordless

 

you get me high, I give you sex

You get me high. I give you sex.

At least that's what the arrangement looked like. Hairy middle-aged bearded man asked if it was okay if they got high. Sure I said. Thank you for being polite to ask.

He lit up and inhaled. Then blew some smoke into bubble butt writhing moaning guy's mouth. Like CPR. Hot.

I'd spied them lying naked together, resting, and asked if they wanted some company. Soon we were fondling each other. Within a few minutes I had my condom on and was in bubble butt. He's one wiggly-worm cutie. Then bearded man put on his condom and got inside of me... all at the same time. How did I get so lucky?

I held off cumming. Things evolved, and it ended almost as quickly as it began.

Lying there after touching and chatting a bit, come to find out they've been friends for three years. They both seemed pretty happy and egalitarian, despite a few years' difference. They both seemed to enjoy the arrangement, friendship really.

I thought that in other realms someone might consider an exchange of this kind prostitution. The offering of sex for reward. But really, if this was the case, which was purely observational conjecture on my part, they both seemed more like chaps enjoying each other's company. The lines which some elements of society try to make so solid really seemed irrelevant here.

pre photo shoot - body fat

these images come from nerd fitness,
where there's an excellent fuller article

Where are you on the body fat spectrum?

There are several things a person can do to look a bit better before a photo shoot. Most of the gains are made with food alterations.

• Eat less carbs.
• Avoid salt (retains water).
• Drink less water.
• Eat significantly smaller portions.
• Reps to bulk muscles.

These are all things done for the short-term, and obviously not healthy for the long-term (most of them).

The flip side is that your energy will also feel down, but you'll look better in the pictures!... look better at that naked beach, sex club, for that event or group... The above tips work especially for someone who is already in shape and is just improving that last shade.

Certainly most of the photo shoots that I've done are just friends on a nude hike taking pictures as we go along. A handful of times I've experimented with nude photography alone or with a friend. I've actually never done an actual dedicated nude photo shoot with a professional photographer.

Each type of photo experience has it's emphasis: the catch-the-fun-and-natural-beauty emphasis, the I'm-learning-all-the-cool-things-my-camera-can-do, the artistic-experiments, and the exposition-of-the-body-hopefully-beautifully.

Professional body-builders do more in-depth preparations, like the one explained by Brad Gouthro on his website and video.

artsy edges

I browse for images for my posts, and sometimes find some beautiful images. Like these.

Sometimes art grabs our eyes, precisely because it dares go where it's "not supposed to."

The forbidden vs. the desired. All themes that have been playing for centuries.

Artists often push the edge. Sometimes that's exactly what society needs, to loosen the grips of something that no longer needs to be gripping us. (Fear, prejudice, shame, censorship, undue seriousness.)

It helps us see beauty in more places.

What do all of these images have in common? Besides artistry.

Intimacy.

The drive for intimacy is strong. Connection with others. We partly don't even understand it, just try to do it gracefully.

bathhouses

ancient roman bath houses

I love bathhouses. And bathhouses are weird. At least the ones I've been to.

On the one hand I get to go whenever I feel like sex. I don't have to organize it. In my last city I organized a few orgies, and each of them took several hours of planning - from 20 to 40 hours - no kidding.

Would you rather do 20 hours of organizing or just drive downtown in 15 minutes?

A gay bathhouse - at least here - is a place where guys go looking for a sex directly. There are long dimly-lit hallways with scores of rooms that are rented, each with mirrors and streaming porn. There are also more common play areas, from simple couches, to shower areas, steam rooms, saunas, and rooms with equipment like slings and benches, or holes and cubbies.

Mostly its an impersonal place. For those of us who can see passed that, there are incredible moments of closeness to be had.

Sometimes I feel like a jerk in a bathhouse.

The rules of engagement are so different from the outside. In the outside world, if someone says hi, you say hello back, maybe smile and chit-chat. Here most communication is done non-verbally, at least at first.

erotic fountain in Pompeii

There are so many guys, and attraction only goes both ways with a certain percentage, that you communicate with your eyes one of two things: interest or disinterest. Admittedly snap-judgment. People get it generally. Occasionally there is that pushy guy who keeps trying to grab your junk, or whatever, and you have to tell him no directly. But the vast majority are gentlemen and respectful non-verbally.

The last time I went a new younger guy, possibly 70 lbs (32 kg) overweight, walked past me and started making conversation. On the outside world I'd have paused and conversed. Here, he was one of dozens of potential encounters, all sending out feelers, so I kept the answer short and kept walking. And I felt like a jerk.

Large numbers of people. Quick assessments. Uber-practical environments devoid of elegance.

I went on to find a friend I've met there before a handful of times before, passionate bisexual guy that loves to top, and we had a fucking amazing time.

I've heard that gay bathhouses in other countries, like some in Europe, have more social components. Some have a clothed café area, lockers for guests to stay overnight, well-lit and beautiful saunas and steam rooms, lobbies, and then the more directly sexual areas. I look forward to experiencing the variety and a fuller range of energies welcome.

I love gay bathhouses on the one hand. And at the same time they are social anomalies.

hairy

I'll admit I hadn't really paid that much attention to whether a guy is hairy or smooth. Until I started dating the man who affectionately melts me. He loves hairy on a guy. (And he got me, ha!) One of the first things he notices on a guy is the amount of hair to be seen coming up from a shirt neck-line. This peaks his curiosity and interest in a big way.

So I've started to notice this too. On a handful of occasions we've played with another guy, and I've watched with a smile on my face as he enjoys with his hands the hair on a guy's tummy, chest, legs. This is one of the great things about a man.

one of the actors - jake gyllenhaal
- I follow with more than casual interest

Every man is different. And that's precisely part of the beauty.

bring out the bad ass

check out their website, it's actually pretty fun -
I like the blog part esp

There's a power in the bad ass that is both scary and attractive.

You ever noticed that some people often gravitate to dating a tough-guy, someone that doesn't necessarily follows all the conventions, but lives for the hell of it?

A guy I layed out at the beach with last month said that a few summers ago he let his hair grow long and spiked it up to a Mohawk. He walked the streets of San Francisco where he lived then, and said he'd never gotten so many invitations to get laid.

Sometimes in a creative meeting, in the bedroom, in a relationship, it's time to let aside the good-boy, the in-the-box persona, and let it rip. I'm not talking about being rude necessarily, I'm talking about going and getting what you want - being freed from restrictions. This is the genius where marvels are born at times.

If a relationship can't handle this bad ass from time to time, either 1) its not worth it anyway, or 2) you haven't made enough relational deposits into the emotional account. Perhaps there are other reasons too I'm not considering right at this moment.

Sometimes it's this very bad ass energy that's willing to break through the traditions and get you what you've always wanted. Claim the love you know is possible. Bring the value to the tribe.

In the Jungian philosophy, there exists in each of us various archetypal energies. I think the bad ass is one of them.