call of the wild

can you tell what I'm thinking of?
aching to get out into the wild



most of these images from ieatgrafiks

there's something about the scale of nature that puts us in our place

and this one from mousetrip

feeling like it

Ever not feel like it? Sometimes I don’t feel like being sexual, or kissing, or cooking, or talking, or listening. What do I do then? Sometimes I do it anyways. The end result for a relationship can be remarkable. It’s a gift to my partner(s).

Sometimes it’s late at night, and I’m tired. I don’t feel like kissing. But if I sense that he does, I go with it. Linger a bit longer. Because I love him, and know that he’ll feel loved by me. Bonus: the feeling often kicks in. Action sometimes precedes the feeling. A couple of spare minutes can go a long way.

Another time I might be getting home from work frazzled and ungrounded. But he’s excited to tell me something about his day. I can listen for a couple of minutes and take joy in his joy. I might not be able to give him 20 minutes of listening right then, but I can do a couple of minutes, even when I’m not feeling it, before I head over to take a shower and unwind. Because I love him.

Maybe I don’t feel like cuddling and having sex at all times. But if he crawls into bed and wraps his arms around me, puts his groin up to my ass, suddenly I feel like it a bit more. On those occasions when I’m still not feeling it, I allow it because he’s my man. I want to encourage him. I want him to encourage me when the tables are reversed.

Say I decide to hook up with someone from online. I turn off my computer and start getting ready to head over to his place. But somewhere along the way my libido decreases and I don’t feel like it. Do I cancel the hook up or dog him (not show up)? My take is no. I said I was going to. For me there’s often a period on the way there, whether it be to a hook up, the dance floor, or to a new social experience, where my feelings aren’t matching the direction my body is going. But because I gave my word, I go, and 95% of the time I have a marvelous time, and I’m glad that I went. If I wasn’t going to go, then I don’t say that I’m going to go.

My point is that we do things we don’t feel like doing sometimes. We treat people kindly (everyone, not just our life partner-s), keep our word, and give of ourselves even when we don’t feel like it every minute. Sometimes even sex starts without a strong feeling. A gift, a little leap. The feeling usually follows!

It is my expectation too that when someone says they'll do something, they'll follow through, even if the don't - every minute - feel like it.

kansas city

It's nice to meet someone local. Soul-patch friendly kansas cat and I walked around overlooking the city. Then went to his place for some one on one. Love the inside of his thighs.

men who've killed

coming out of the water

Life provides the opportunity to meet some interesting people - including guys who have killed other people, usually in connection to being in the military.

This blog post might be too "taboo" for some readers. Or just too heavy. But it's something I've thought about, and something that faces many of our excellent men called upon to do this as part of their job. Not that I agree with all the wars. This is something that most of the people they encounter are unprepared to talk about or even listen to. So many ex-soldiers end up doing one of the worst things for their well-being: never talking to anyone about a subject that is HUGE to them.

I think I have this ability to allow people to open up. And I'm inquisitive and ask non-standard questions.

Let me put the most outrageous experience first. A while back ago I hooked up with someone on grindr while at the Grand Canyon. He had recently been in the military. Yummy crew haircut. We met late at night and he drove me to a beautiful look-out point. Yeah, kinda sounds like the start to a horror movie, but it was cool. We went to a bench, and under the stars had a pretty fleshy experience. We talked a bunch before and after. He opened up about he having had to kill people while in the service. Including running over children who would not step out of the way of their tanks - children put there by their parents, some of them with explosives. He wouldn't say how many he'd killed, but he did say that it was a lot. Men of the opposing army shooting at him mostly.

He talked about his job later as security for a store. And how he'd apprehended a young thief and brought him down to the ground, accidentally breaking his nose and creating a frightful bloody scene for the other shoppers. He explained that he'd been trained to kill, and had killed before, so scaling back his automatic techniques to just apprehending a person was taking some adaptive consciousness. Wow. I felt for him. And awed at the variety of our human experience.

Next is an international man I met at work. I first noticed him scoping me out in the break room. Smiley. Built. Always a little bit of attraction tension, but never did anything. Over months I got to know him and we'd google things about his country. Come to find out he'd served in his country's army and had also shot and killed invading soldiers. I asked him how he felt then, and now. He said that it was a part of his job, that all men his age were required to enlist, and that if he wouldn't have shot them, they would have shot him. (Notice he didn't say how he felt.) He seemed to have adapted, and had calming social skill and manner. I too felt safe around him.

I've met others too, and had the initmate experience of talking about this phenomena. Two other men I met through work. Conversed quietly and in confidence. How it's impacted their life. They've done remarkably well I marvel.

In another life as a missionary (another story for another time), I met with thousands of people in their homes. I can remember chills going up my spine as a woman talked of stabbing to death her abusive husband. The energy of that night came back into her eyes, the anger and single-mindedness, and while I was not afraid for my safety, I was creeped out, and wanted out.

A central-american gangster who had killed a few on the streets of L.A., and who loved talking to us. Another immigrant refugee who'd escaped with his life after taking many others. Mothers who had traveled to the U.S. illegally, been raped by their coyotes (name for their transporters) enroute, and witnessed crimes involving death.


The subject of death is one that I work with frequently. Whether it's a young man who's tried to kill himself, or a middle or older-aged person who's just been given a few more weeks to live with a terminal diagnosis, or the new man ordered to pull the trigger or keep driving, these magnificent people touch me. I think about them. There has to be a certain ability, among some, to speak about the unspeakable.

love my city

I love my city. So many progressive signs everywhere, like this homo-erotic silly poster.

crazy weekend

Friday night, we go to bed.

Saturday night, I decide early, I'm going to have some fun. Head to the bathhouse late.

Find friend with the serpent tongue and play. See long eye-lashed sweetie and talk a bit. Come upon insatiable twink with the stunning nerdy glasses and have a sweaty good time. All three of these guys I've met before, two been more social with. Interesting encounter with gorgeous young/old tall couple in sauna.

Got home, but turned around for young business couple in high-rise. They were among the most asleep people I've met about their own wants, very sweet to each other, enjoyed being in between them for a bit, and meeting them.

Exhausted, came home to sleep. I haven't pulled an all-nighter like that since two years ago at Burning Man. Great heartfelt talk with my man who I felt connected with again. Wonderful dinner with friends, old and new.

Monday to work early. Day from hell. Busy and emergent. But hey, smile on my face. Full life.

slave girl sex lesson

A slave girl teaches a newlywed Daenerys, wife of savage warrior Khal Drogo, how to make most of what gods bestowed upon her. (taken from episode 2 of Game of Thrones - the series) click here or on the image below

This is one of the more influential sex scenes I've seen. It encapsulates several beautiful and important ideas. What do you learn from it? 

Initially, like is the lot of many women and humans in the world, Daenerys is more raped than anything else by her new powerful husband. He is larger. The law and culture is on his side.

With the fortunate teaching of a slave girl, she learns to use sex, one of her realms where she is partner to Khal Drogo, to her advantage and increased equality and power, like some women and lovers were able to do. (This in no way condones rape.) Sex is one of the most coveted realms of most humans. It can go many levels, from simply carnal transforming to a whole other dimension. 

She eventually wins his heart, and vice-versa. The ensuing union is one of greater equality. In my opinion, she, as many humans have throughout history, won this place largely in the other-worldly realm of sexual union. Conscioulsy.

 

It pleases me that a human being's position and condition can be increased. She becomes, through many of her own efforts, his "moon of my life."

no sugar day 193

 

So it's been 193 days since I've not had any processed sugar. That equals about six and a half months. This means no candy, desserts, or foods with sugar or sugar cane in the ingredients list. This does not mean no fruits or carbs. Lately my partner's reading about carbs has influenced the both of us to eat less carbs, with good results for the both of us. Processed carbs in large amounts increase the inflammatory response of the body. We've also been influenced by some of the Paleo diet, which includes more meats and protein throughout the day.

Now the disclaimer: On a few days I've had sweets, whether because a host made it and gifts it, or because my inner sugar monster could not be kept caged. But I've subtracted those days from the total. Otherwise it would be a little over seven months total, something like 212 days. So technically the 193 days are not all-the-way consecutive. Still this heralds a significant shift for me.

It's confidence-building to go to work, see the boxes of krispy creme donuts, bins of chocolate and candy on the counters, sugary pastries at the coffee shop, and not have any. Of course food preparation - bringing nutritional and filling stuff from home - is an essential to successfully meeting the goal (365 days sugar free).

amusingly so



 

Eyes exchange

at the showers

flesh enticing

smiles

 

pinkies linked

walking

I knew

with that  

he wasn't

from here

 

kiss and fondle

quirk

eager exploring

 

shadowed rumping

new consciousness

state

gentle cock

 

hairy ass groove

arms around my shoulders
brotherly
comradely
but with all the homo

and ejaculations  

 

later talk

discover

that I'm partnered

and he's married

 

open up

about his country

wife

father, boys

 

cell phone pictures

of his young sons

he adores

face lights up

 

tells me

about his father

who said,

if you don't marry her

you are dead to me

 

surprising intimacy

 

gentleman

walks me to my locker

younger than me

like warm friends

of my upbringing

abroad

 

unpretentious sweetness

accent mystery

 

 

We meet a second time

sparkling eyes

porn star like

 

both so turned on

 

I wonder

about his life

struggle... ?

what

I want to know

 

but this moment

is for passion

we surrender

 

not hard to do

full lips

gorgeous shaft

haircut

in the mirrors

 

I writhe

he moans

 

he surrenders

quite easily

delighting

thrusting horizontal bounce

enveloped

 

I wonder

about how

he does this

with her

 

aahhhh

oh my ggodddd

fuck!

his ecstasy

brings me back

 

you are so hot

he says

a few too many times

while I'm thinking it

about him

 

he calls my name

you are

the world to me

effusive

lava flow

 

I'm worried

but not too much

that all around us

people

will know

by the calling out

just exactly

who and how is fucking

loudly

amorously

 

I smile

at my exotic

fortune

and decide

not to care

 

we never

actually fuck

but pseudo

in a dozen ways

 

until the frenzy

carries us over

gushing

spazzing

 

smiling

at eachother

breathing deeper now

 

embrace

naked and wet

glistening

 

I cannot help

but think

the world's a better place

that two men

 

joined for a feast

of kindness

embrace

kissing and flesh

 

I'm still enjoying

amusingly so

denied... wondering

Few times has my partner put off my sexual advances. But when he does, I have to remember just that, that he usually humors me. Comparatively I have it good. I know of couples who are our friends, competent accomplished guys who love each other, but only have sex three or four times a year. But they're starving for more. I'm fortunate that I'm only turned away by him three or four times a year. (So far, cross my fingers.)

I guess I'm one of those people that feels things deeply. So today it was the first thing on my mind. I fretted about him not wanting me anymore... and us falling apart... and me going and having sex with everyone but the man who I share my life with... about us living two separate trajectories... and all these worst-case-scenarios. Then I had to remind myself to look at the big picture, and put things in perspective. Most of the time it's marvelous. On the great majority of days I really do sense that he loves me and wants me. So not to let a day or two worry me about an overall path... and trust the general direction.

Interesting how it takes active self-mentoring to get me through a little crisis I've created in my head. Interesting that it works. "You're going to be okay." "You're strong and able to handle this." "He loves you." Trusting that.

A few days ago I'd planned on meeting with a sex-friend this afternoon, so we did. It was fucking hot, he's fucking hot, and he is very attracted to me. Amusingly so. It's flattering to be desired. At the same time, there is no substitute for good intimacy with one's partner(s).

Intimacy is alot more than just sex, but in its ideal manifestation, also includes sex a lot of the times. To me that's part of excellence and closeness. Sex to me at the moment means penetration or getting off somehow. I know in my head that sex could also mean non-erection sensuality, and many other things, but somehow when I think "I had sex with him" it usually involves one of the two mentioned.

cooking with cum

Yes, it really does exist lol...

 

I think that many of us have experimented with swallowing or spitting... but putting it in the food, wow, I guess that takes a new level of open-mindedness. I have to say that I would try the food :). Maybe juices from certain sources would be more $$$? more enjoyment? more flavor?

stormtroopers

from scottblog

Sitting at the kitchen table, part nude, masked as stormtroopers. Fun!

compersion video

Compersion is the act of experiencing joy when your partner is having joy, even sexual joy, with another. It is the opposite of jealousy.

Here's an interesting 3-minute video by National Geographic on polyamorous compersion.
Polyamory | National Geographic Channel: Meet a polyamorous triad - a family with two men and one woman sharing a loving relationship.

lots of taboos

from scottblog

Even with a blog called inner taboo, there are still many things that people consider too forbidden to discuss - subjects that most people don't think you should really talk about in public. Whether because people have strong judgements against them, or think they're a little creepy, or because it is something we're "not supposed to" discuss, these social codes influence the edges of what I post.

Some of them, in varying degrees of fobiddenness, are:

• rape
• masks
• religion
• sex with minors
• drug/chemical usage
• sex with someone other than your partner
• feces
• pissing

• unflattering things about your intimates
• illness
• AIDS details
• sexual experience of people with disability
• sex between relatives
• sex with animals
• asking someone about their income
• revealing highly-visible professions
• fantasies not about your partner, when you're with your partner
• fantasies involving coercion, crime

• non-condom usage
• orgies
• non-monogamy
• anger or sadness, or "scary emtions"
• transexual surgeries
• gender bending

There are things, even here on this blog, that are too taboo, or would make even this liberal readership, uncomfortable. Some I fully agree with, like writing unflattering things about my partners. Others I dance with just because that is our present cultural attitude. Despite our advances in the sexual revolution, there are many things that people still keep to themselves, even though they think about them, or wish they could discuss them.

fuck fest mix

This last time was perhaps the most racially mixed I've experienced there. I normally don't like to describe people racially, I think it's over-done in our society. (Along with dick size, age, etc.) Here I'll stray from that a bit.

On a bed two young Black bucks fucked three Caucasian studs. Around the bed stood Asian, Philipino, Arabic, and Hispanics. I started next to the mirror, in between an Eastern European guy and a hung Asian guy. Tall, hung, young, and ripped, I reached out... and to my delight he reached out back.

A forward sexy bottom eased over and sucked our cocks. Soon I was in him on the bed, doggy style, then he curled up under me, kissing. I'm going to be real here. He'd just been topped by a verrrrry hung muscled hottie, so the sensation for me was quite less. It was pretty hot, but after a few minutes of passionate energy my erection diminished.

I went to the living room and chatted in Spanish naked with two professional studly guys, beautiful bodies but skittish personalities. Mixed signals: flirtly and close, but often looking away and walking away. That's part of the game I guess.

Later in another room with a sling I lay with two other friendly guys, easier to interact with. A mixed bunch of body heights and muscle builds. A muscled ginger bloke with scruff and soccer socks topped another in the sling. Then switched and took it. Amazingly hot. White socks in the air, manly groaning of desire.

I did my acrobatics too and got off with a shaven head beautiful guy, smiley, solid booty. I'm grateful to the host for his gift to our community and myself. Rich experience. Everyone I saw used condoms - provided by the host. Cool connections.

opening up

"[Monogamous] couples [are] 'the most stable form of relationship and also the most prone to stagnation, rigidity, and self-delusion.'" From Tristan Taormino's book, Opening up, A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, quoting Raven Kaldera's book Pagan Polyamory.

"One of the benefits of having more than one partner is that there's more than one person to call you on your shit.... Members of a couple can grow quite comfortable with the dysfunctional patterns of their dynamic - there's no one around to say, 'I notice that you avoid this topic whenever it comes up.' When another person enters the mix, it can really shake things up...

"When one person tells you something about yourself, you can ignore it more easily - you can think it is just their opinion or chalk it up to misperception. But when two people who know you well tell you something, it's much harder to ignore, especially when it's not a friend or acquaintance from the outside, but someone in the relationship - who has deep, intimate knowledge of the players, personality, and dynamics. This level of intimacy coupled with accountability can help members of polyfidelitous relationships change and grow.

"The other side of that coin, though, is this: the more people in a relationship, the more difficult communication can become. Every member must work to stay connected to the others, so no one feels left out of the loop..."


one benefit of non-monogamy

From a member of a triad: "My husband works full time and is the main breadwinner. My wife works part-time and then throws pots part time while she tries to get her pottery business off the ground. I am a housewife. While they are out of the house, I do all of the cleaning and shopping. This frees up our collective time together. We have more free time than any of our other friends who are in traditional relationships."

old west prostitution

in Denver

I took an "underground tour" of Seattle and discovered that prostitution was strong in its early days. As a mining and shipping town, the vast majority of its inhabitants were men. Not that I would have been complaining. Entrepreneurial women found that while the average man made $1 a day, they could make $25 a day in one of the oldest professions around. Most history books don't make any mention of this. At the gift shop there I purchased a book called Soiled Doves, Prostitution in the Early West, by Anne Seagraves, and found it an interesting read, despite the author's very judgemental stance.

I discovered that there were various sorts of establishments, from parlor houses, high-class brothels, to saloons, hurdy gurdy dance halls, volume brothels, cribs, and streetwalkers. Among the Chinese communities in the Western U.S. there were also slave girls.

"The girls employed in these [high volume] brothels worked in shifts. They were older, less attractive, and most used drugs or alcohol... The madams offered quantity, not quality, and they wanted a quick turnover with a fast profit. The men came to a brothel for one reason, and they were in a hurry to get on with it. It was a house without rules and anything the man wanted he received... A fast prostitute could take care of as many as 25 men, or more, during her very busy shift."

Wow. The madams, ladies in charge, were of all types. Some were very powerful in their cities, like Eastern U.S. cities mobsters. Some were ruthless. Some were matronly, and taught their girls to read and write, other languages, and within a couple of years found them wealthy husbands. I found it interesting that many entrepreneurial women found ways to save their money and form a multitude of other businesses.

"Although these women were considered immoral, it must be remembered that it was acceptable for a man to visit a prostitute, but the woman was condemned for being one."

Our society has not come very far on many of these issues, even with our sexual revolution. And still this ancient trade will not be wiped out.

gay men's weekend

I was away for a few days to a gay men’s weekend training in Arizona. Visions of group sex? No. But magical. Do gay men need any training? Not for some things. But yes for others, I’d contend. The weekend was put on by a men’s organization called Mankind Project – a specific gateway weekend for gay, bi, and trans men. Imagine that, coming to a group of men where it’s a safe place to look introspectively at yourself as a gay man. Cradled by men who understand.

About 35 staff men and 21 new men participated. We bunked in cabins on a mountain top, pine trees whispering quietly with the wind. I got to connect with men that I’d met a few years ago, as well as meet many new awake men, and spend time with my partner. Admittedly I had mini-crushes on four of the fellow staff, and three of the new guys. Not unusual for me. I was put in charge of 4 of the processes on the weekend, and I thoroughly enjoyed them. I marvel at the extent of my emotions. These weekends challenge me in a good way. My thighs are sore from one of the activities, and I have a slight sunburn!

It is considered an initiation – called the New Warriors Training Adventure. Pretty cool stuff.

Finally, it was a boost to my ego, to still be found sexy and desirable. Will that want ever go away? To be mutually attracted to other men, glorious men of high accomplishment, beautiful curves, sweet connection. Happily I’ll be seeing some of them again at Burning Man in a few months.

I was touched to meet more intimately four trans men, what an honor… a man with two canes, a gaw guy, a few San Francisco hotties and intellectuals, a man who had just come out of a threesome, two other couples, doctors, curators, techies, students, construction men, airline stewards, a fireman, and a rich array of our rainbow kind.

admiration

Admiration can begin physically and then proceed to other realms like spiritual and social, or any other, in any order.

arrogant bragging?

This blog puts some people off and attracts others. It's a space where I can write some of my thoughts about sex, intimacy, and experiences that in many circles are considered too taboo to speak about openly. Even though there is nothing non-consensual or illegal, or destructive or harming to others, some people have strong judgements based on their own morality.

It's a risk I take, wishing that the world would be more open about the things that are important to many, and things that we/I think about all the time anyway. Sex is a central part of who we are. Doing my part in breaking the censorship, hopefully making the world a safer place to talk about things. Encouraging others.

At times I might be construed as arrogant, boastful, shallow... for sharing some of my experiences. Seemingly bragging... or not taking seriously the special-ness of each person. Perhaps intimidating to some. Go figure.

I own that there is a part of me that wants to be "seen." In complete honesty, I own that there is a part of me that thinks he has his shit together. That part that says, "look at me, look at the way I'm doing things, watch and learn." There's a part of me that's a flirt. There's a part of me too that's insecure. Timid. Groping in the dark. Making things up as he goes along, and hoping to learn from others. There's a part of me too that was silent for a lot of years. And he isn't going to be silent any more.

On some days my partner does not understand my motivation to post. I don't claim to understand it entirely either. But I do understand that writing helps me unravel me... that the sharing of experiences is often beneficial... that personal truths matter... that my take helps others think about their take on things, and listen to what's going on in their body, in their truth... that not everyone is the same. And at the same time... we're all the same. I move forward despite the potential misunderstandings.

I've met some cool guys who've read parts of the blog. Got some feedback. And enjoyed the journey. Part of me doesn't want to forget. Heck, who wants to forget magic?