denied... wondering

Few times has my partner put off my sexual advances. But when he does, I have to remember just that, that he usually humors me. Comparatively I have it good. I know of couples who are our friends, competent accomplished guys who love each other, but only have sex three or four times a year. But they're starving for more. I'm fortunate that I'm only turned away by him three or four times a year. (So far, cross my fingers.)

I guess I'm one of those people that feels things deeply. So today it was the first thing on my mind. I fretted about him not wanting me anymore... and us falling apart... and me going and having sex with everyone but the man who I share my life with... about us living two separate trajectories... and all these worst-case-scenarios. Then I had to remind myself to look at the big picture, and put things in perspective. Most of the time it's marvelous. On the great majority of days I really do sense that he loves me and wants me. So not to let a day or two worry me about an overall path... and trust the general direction.

Interesting how it takes active self-mentoring to get me through a little crisis I've created in my head. Interesting that it works. "You're going to be okay." "You're strong and able to handle this." "He loves you." Trusting that.

A few days ago I'd planned on meeting with a sex-friend this afternoon, so we did. It was fucking hot, he's fucking hot, and he is very attracted to me. Amusingly so. It's flattering to be desired. At the same time, there is no substitute for good intimacy with one's partner(s).

Intimacy is alot more than just sex, but in its ideal manifestation, also includes sex a lot of the times. To me that's part of excellence and closeness. Sex to me at the moment means penetration or getting off somehow. I know in my head that sex could also mean non-erection sensuality, and many other things, but somehow when I think "I had sex with him" it usually involves one of the two mentioned.