reassure him

We recently tried an exercise from the book Ethical Sluts. The two female authors suggest sitting together or separately with your intimate partner and writing a list of 10 things he can do to reassure you. These need to be behaviors, not emotions. For example, to say, "Love me more," is difficult to meet concretely, but "hold my hand" is an observable behavior. When done, share the list with each other.

Here are a few examples.
1. Touch me often.
2. Leave me a note.
3. Send me a text when I'm at work.
4. Snuggle with me for 5 minutes at night in bed.
5. Sit next to me.

6. Do the dishes.
7. Talk about our future together.
8. Do the laundry.
9. Prepare food for us.
10. Call me a sweet name, like love, or hon.

Yes, this requires some personal vulnerability. That's intimacy. It can be heavenly if you do it. This is not a demand list. But it sure helps to know how to reassure your partner.

same love

A friend of ours has family that was involved in the making in this video about same sex love. I love it.

civility and doubt

I rarely take the time to listen to full videos online - like this one: http://vimeo.com/51201786. Today I am sick and took the time - and this one was amazing. It has many of the long-term Gandhi-like principles I believe in, but often don't let settle over my own personal conflicts. Like this voter initiative in my state on gay marriage. Part of me gets all bunched up in crisis mode. And then dialogues like this come along to give me peace and direction, long-term hope and confidence in people.

A couple of my take-away points, for those who won't have the time to view this conversation.

• Social change comes one community, one state, one locale at a time.
• That's the beauty of our system - an organic consensus - not an imposed mandate.
• Opinions change by people meeting and being friends - welcoming "the other side."
• Civility and doubt are good partners. Doubt being partly not knowing the "right" answer all of the time.
• The merit of having people that are not like you in your circles - they help you know what you don't know.

This video is a keeper. I want it on my blog, if anything, to refer to it again. To take the time to glean again while folding laundry, washing dishes, or exercising.

oct 7 - oct 24

blackberries everywhere - tasty

• sun - j/o with hairy expert hands (yeah sounds creepy, kinda was - but cool) and tall hard-cock writer sweetheart at masturbation club
• mon - first time paddle-boarding - observed shirtless rowing teams & college team runners in singlets - thank-you coach for revealing uniforms!  
• mon eve - great fuck with the man who turns me on forever
• tue - horny as fuck, but holding it - both to energize creativity & retain vitality for next sex
• wed - after a couple leading-up sessions, great loving with man who turns me on forever
• fri - exchanged playful flirtations at club with california smiley guy at a distance

growing out of volcanic rock near mt. st. helens

• sat - bath-house wank with french lanky goatee, kissing hot stud with the side-burns, sucked by smooth athlete with a huge boner, bottomed for six-pack abs with spanish accent
• sun am- cuddled in bed naked for few moments with mountain man biker visitor 
• mon -  cuddled in bed naked with man who turns me on forever, as I have the honor every night
• fri - feeling really sexual - tried to start something with my man
• sun - 8th orgy I organized, I'll call it wrestling loud group night with 3 hottie friends: 50-miler gorgeous athlete gluteus, stylish mohawk prince albert, & boundless energy noisy wrestler
• tue - skyped naked with belgian giggly guy who likes younger and wanked off
• wed - woke up next to man who turns me on forever who got on top of me and jerked me off - man - I hadn't been feeling that close - and all of a sudden I really did again - amazing how that happens - sex is potentially so much at the core - thank you love!



pretty banners waving neighbor - 
beautiful varieties everywhere
 

Perhaps some have judgements come up reading this. That's okay. See what comes up for you to learn.

To not be misunderstood: This blog is journal-like. Yes there is some exhibitionism - as others call it - or desire to be seen in some ways.
I value each of the people I've had the priviledge of meeting and, in a variety of ways, loving and respecting. That I relish one does not diminish sincere delight for another. There is space in this world for lots of affection, lust, pleasure, friendship, uniqueness.

grainy wrestle

The pictures aren't the best quality, but capture some of the fun. Boundless energy noisy wrestler and I. Thank you stylish mohawk prince albert for taking at least these. Next time we'll plan ahead and take more!

 

8th orgy - wrestle mania

Last night was amazing. Different than any other so far.

I had an impromptu visit to Utah, and decided to throw a sex group together. They normally take a significant amount of hours to organize properly, and I didn't have the time or internet connection, so did what my friend called ''orgy light" - inviting just guys I've been in contact with before, keeping the number of invitees lower.

There were four of us: stylish mohawk prince albert, a friend I met on DN online a few years ago, and have camped with a few times, along with his hubby. So sweet to be with this creative friend again. Many guys say sex ruins friendships. Definitely not so here. And boundless energy loud wrestler, new friend I met through mohawk man last time. So fun, such an endless supply of energy, and man I thought I was noisy. Not compared to this guy :). And then awesome 50-miler gorgeous athlete hinny, who I've also camped with a few times, and is becoming more of a friend than I had realized. Sorry to objectify your beautiful hinny. I do value you for you, but just sayin'. 50-miler picked me up from the airport and we went on a picturesque motorcyle ride earlier in the afternoon. Another guy who loves the outdoors and spends alot more time out there than I do. Then me, who I'll call this time smiley in-heaven dude with pony-tail feeling sexy on my 32nd day of no sugar. Another story for another time.

First was the hot-tub and chatting. Nice to catch up. Naked is nice too. Then headed inside and was doing some computer techy stuff with wrestler guy. Mohawk and 50-miler were getting along just fine on the bed, starting with a naked back massage, then some 69. I extracted myself from the techy conversation and wrestler transitioned smoothly to some standing neck and ear kissing and thrusting to beats. Mohawk brought some awesome earthy world music that put us all into a trance.

 I lost track of the others as wrestler and I alternately pushed eachother into different holds and thrusts on the carpet and in various nooks against the wall. He started moaning, and I soon discovered a very vocal playmate. Possibly the most vocal I've met up to now. I worried a bit about my neighbors upstairs, a sexy but conservative young gay couple upstairs. Energy moved from super hard-ons to pretty physical wrestling. A true contest. Sexual. Mirrors. Breathing hard. And boy noisy. My Honey is going to wonder about the scratches and carpet-burn. He reads my experiences here too.

I connected with mohawk next, squirming and enjoying the dance, and the sweetness of friendship. Reveling in the beauty of being gay and unfettered. I'd gone and gently slowly inserted my glass dildo, so was ready. I asked mohawk to top me, which he happily gifted me. Another first: being topped with a prince albert penile ring, condom of course on. I can't say I felt much different inside, perhaps the nerve sensitivity is not as developed up there :). He pulled out after a bit.

I got friendly again with 50-miler, moving a few inches over. I asked to top him, but by the time I got the condom on things didn't work, so we played otherwise. A common transitory experience of many guys, young and old, I've experienced. The four of us moved into a cuddle pile for a few minutes with some increased talking.

Then mohawk and I decided to try to fuck eachother at the same time. Legs in scissors position, dicks bent down into each others' holes. He asked me to warm him up by going in him first. Distraction - from which we never recovered. The other two became interested in our experiment. Next thing I know mohawk is curled up under me, I'm loving topping him, wrestler moves in behind me and inserts, and 50-miler inserts into him! Four train. Yahoo. And a mirror to take it in visually even more. Damn I'm glad to be gay, I think again. Mohawk friend cums under me, loudly, twitching. Then I have to get out of him, because he's really sensitive after. He runs to the bathroom.

The three of us morph into something else. Wrestler going down on 50-miler, me topping his fine and very willing ass. It's been a couple hours, so I let myself cum. Hot. Hot. 50-miler cums a second time in his unique hold-back method which allows him to partially cum, multiple times. I continue post-orgasm twitching, my muscles spasming involuntarily in ecstasy. Wrestler guy hovers over me and engages in playful energy movement, quite unlike anything I've experienced before. He doesn't allow me to retract into the "place" I am accustomed to going post-orgasm, but continues to dance with me in a mixture of heavenly torment. Learned some things about energy there.

The evening goes on for another hour plus with some great mutual wanking, relaxing naked together. We shower and hug then kiss goodbye. Man I'm fortunate to know such beautiful people, inside and out. Friends for a lifetime I hope.

assuming blessor

panoramic of sun rising to bury receding shadows 

I'm writing this this morning because I'm having difficulty doing it. Sometimes I ease smoothly into this archetypal energy, other times I don't feel it at all, but call on its maturity. It can be especially helpful with a partner, as an influencer. Today I'm calling on it to soothe my own self.

a magical being lands for a moment - opening me to a quietness

morality and dick response

dildo on the dresser

Is there a correlation between said morality and dick size and response? I think so.

size

A previous boyfriend had all these rules about our intimacy. No touching below the waist. Pants stay on until we'd been dating for some time. If we ever got to oral, it would be with a condom. But he loved to kiss, talk sweetly, and be close. I'll call him hottie tall guy who broke my heart. A few times he got pretty horny and started to reach into my pants and disrobe me. I asked him if he wanted to break his own rules. My thinking was that I didn't want him to break his own rules in the heat of the moment, to later regret it. I wanted to support him in his goals - even if they weren't mine. I wanted him to do things conscioulsy.

He has a very small erect penis. And I'm not just saying that because it didn't work out between us (hehe). I wonder how much of his hesitation in whipping it out had to do with his self-consciousness about it being smaller than average. I think alot. Another intimate friend, marathoner pecs guy who turned me on like the energizer bunny, also has a smaller penis. Not that I care. He was so hesitant at first, not letting me touch his cock, but totally grabbing mine, and loving our physical intimacy. We ended up playing several dozen times. Way fun. Once he saw that I totally digged him, ALL of him, his cock hesitance disappeared. I loved his new confidence.

How many times do guys resist certain revealing sexual activities, primarily because of their dick size? They might cite moral obligations, STD fears, a desire to wait... but if they had a bigger dick - all or most of these cited excuses might be thrown out the window. I've met enough guys that I often take recitations of morality with a grain of salt. "Ah," I think, "he might be a bit shy about...." whatever.

As an ocassional nudist, I am surprised by how many gorgeous gym-bunny guys really show off their bodies, being almost nude at pools, outside, but will not take off that last piece of underwear. While citing that they wished they had the confidence to take it all off. Perhaps their dick does not reach their measurement of perfection? If their cock was bigger, would they take off that cute little speedo?

Then again, my friend monster cock chatty narcisist cutie, keeps his shorts on for exactly the opposite reason, everyone looks at his unit. He has nothing to be embarrased of, nice body, etc, but is.

Which leaves me thinking, wouldn't it be nice if more of us learned to love what we've got? Be good with it? That confidence is sexy.

I'm not especially good-looking, not esepcially large or small in penile length, not ugly, but not model-like. I'm fit but not especially photogenic like some guys are. I don't have stunningly wide shoulders, a trim waist, a bubble butt, a pretty-boy face. Often though I get what I want, who I want, or the experience that I want, because I make up for it in confidence. Or I seek them out. Please believe me too that the opposite is often true. I often don't get what I want, who I want, or the experience that I want - that time. Generally, even when I feel a bit shy, or not particularly sexy, I go ahead and act as if I did, and then it comes. Confidence and sexiness are traits. Not just physical beauty.

Another friend I work with, overweight young go-getter with killer attidtude, gets almost any guy he wants, in my judgement, because of his confidence. It not that he's nice, in fact he comes across as kind of a dick sometimes. And he's pretty fat. Just saying. Many guys are super drawn to him. He gets laid by twinks, muscle guys, average guys, short guys, tall guys, younger and older. He doesn't give his power to anyone. I love hanging out with and working with him. Admirable guy.

erections

I think the same about many "moral" resistances when it comes to erections. I've met many guys who might verbally say they don't do this or that. Judgmental about guys who do. All until they get an erection. Some guys don't get erections easily. This might have to do with age. Or tightly-wound self-judgments. Or a rapid mind that can tend to hijack the body's natural responses. Or past experiences. Or medical conditions, usage of some chemicals, and other reasons.

For whatever reason, when a guy feels like he's not being judged, by others, but also by himself, things seem to work quite naturally downstairs. Often. And in instances when not, it helps to remember that all sorts of fun and intimacy can be experienced still. Letting go of fixation on things working one way - hard cock - in-and-out of anus - releases one to experience beauty and divine play in a whole bunch of other ways.

My point is though, that alot of guys resist or judge because of their own erection response, even when they cite a whole bunch of other reasons. Omitting the real reason: it's hard for me to get/sustain an erection, I'm embarrassed about my penis size, whatever. Whether participation in a polyamorous venture, hooking up, or chasing the guy they'd like to go after, judgments often have to do with own personal insecurities.

Not rocket science here.

room for morality?

So is there room for morality? I think there IS room for values, guidelines, and spirituality. But please spare me the self-righteousness! Often morality judges, punishes, and excludes. If you find yourself resisting something strongly, take a look inside first and see if it comes from one of your self-messages, wounds, or insecurities. If you didn't have that insecurity, how different would you act? 

My perception is that many people's stated behaviors are much different than their wished behaviors.

other insecurities

Other insecurities people have, sound or not, are around testicle size, chest conditions, hair patterns, skin pigmentations, anomalies, etc. A couple of friends have had a testicle removed, for cancer, or plumbing twisting. Outdoors bearded 9-inch show-er replaced his missing testicle with a prosthetic, while wild topping verbal fiend left just the one ball. I'll stop here for now, but you can see that the list goes on.

sf bare feet

There's something amazingly intimate about this picture. The feet, the ass, the testicles hanging, the thighs brushing eachother, the muscles of the arched back and shoulders... the enjoyment I'm imagining :).

It's from a blogger sfbarefeet.blogspot.com. The blog is mostly eye-candy, void of much text or written intention, but beautiful guys.

I enjoy seeing other bloggers post what their interests are, add something to the world, whatever it is.

grass is greener?

Is the grass greener on the other side?

I've been to the other side many times. I enjoy the foliage tremendously. And... I sure do love me my home grass.

some "decorations" added by a friend at an outdoor event

barren straight world

Most of the men in the world are straight. Most of the men I interact with are too. Often my need  for connection goes keenly unmet even after spending multiple hours with a mainstream group. Just this morning I spent two hours with a men's circle, and was reminded of this. Or several days ago when we walked along a beach with a male family member, who could not find any conversation more than a couple sentences. Or growing up as a teenager thinking "there's got to be more than this!" Men with no personal interest in talking to other men.

Yes, there are many notable exceptions in the male heterosexual mainstream who engage other males with keen social interest: my dad, one of my brothers, several college roommates, some co-workers, the list goes on. I am grateful for them.

Still I find myself relieved and gladdened that there are many gay and bisexual men in the world. Men who are interested in other men for conversation, companionship, besides the physical attractions. The modern label "homosexual" could also be "homo-emotional," "homo-social," "homo-intellectual," etc.

There are those of us that desire alot more intimacy (of whatever kinds) than is routinely available in modern interactions.

So when I find myself getting upset, or exasperated, I can think: never worry, I'm not getting my needs met in this circle, but I can meet them in another. There is abundance, not scarcity.

sexual racism

We all have sexual preferences. I'm still surprised though by the rudeness around race I sometimes see in gay profiles.

Here's an excellent one-page read: http://www.sexualracismsux.com/

My main thing is this: Imagine how the other guy feels reading the print.

elevator activism

I stood holding hands with my man in the elvator. We approached a stop, and automatically both of us let go. A handsome middle-aged man walked in. We went up a few more floors... and here's the rapid succession of thoughts that zipped by in a few seconds...

I have lots of activist energy. Part of me wants to go rant in the streets, yell, wave my fist in the air, and confront something. Part of me wants to go stand on a busy street corner with my future hubby holding hands, letting people see. Maybe holding a sign. The state of Washington is having a voter referendum on gay marriage, and I want to help influence voters. Large numbers. I want to organize.

A wise older friend of ours, upon hearing me, introduced the concept of ''activism through normalization." He believes that most of our activism should not be yelling, and accusing, blaming, confronting, or even talking about gay issues. He believes that much of the best work is done by just being ourselves, loving partners, inviting people over to dinner, engaging with the mainstream as ourselves. He says ''they know," and they're already watching and thinking about it. His thoughts resonated with me and just felt right.

The last state I was in, Utah, in the last two months I was there, had four cases of physical violence against gay men. One was a ''curbing", where they put the young man's head on the street curb, and someone stomps on his head, breaking his jaw. I attended fundraisers for his hospital bills. I was outraged. Livid.

And here I am separating holding hands from my man on the elevator. Ironic.

So I said to myself: self, you've got all these grand activism ideas, and not alot of time to squeeze them in. How about you start with something simple and small... - like staying holding hands with your man - even on the elevator, when a cute middle-aged man - who is most likely straight - stands next to you. Be an activist by just being yourself. Don't hide. Take a risk, not just in front of a crowd, but in a quiet ordinary space.

By the time the bell dinged on the upper floor where we got out, I had decided. I'm now an elevator activist.

how to kiss

A few weeks ago I held an intimacy group where we discussed and experimented physically with our experiences with kissing. There were some great insights which I thought I'd share here in this video. No, it's just me, no action shots just yet. But still some useful ideas.

Admittedly the video is amateur. The waves are kinda loud. I did alot of clipping, perhaps too much. (Trying to keep it brief, relevant, and frankly, cut out my stumbling parts). I ran out of battery. Lighting's not perfect. Sometimes its just plain cheezy. Yet I had fun making it, learning my camera movie options, positioning, editing software, special effects. And possibly it might provide some value or consciousness to someone.

I'm interested in making outside-the-box connections between sex and consciousness, visual stimuli and deep content, silly playful - profound magical - life journey type musings - skill acquisition - life competence and delight.

It's my first public appearance on my blog. That's a big step. With readers. The world. Family. Employers. Future relations. Once you go public on the internet, there's no taking back completely information shared. People of alternative sexuality or outside the mainstream have long risked loss of employment, housing, or other basics by being themsleves. Culture is changing. I want to be a part of that change.

change our language

Change our language -

change our world.



Words are power.

to tell - or not to tell

How much do I share with my partner in an open relationship? Sometimes I do so because it's good for me, not necessarily because my partner needs to hear it.

It was my day to catch up on projects around the house. My Honey I Adore was at work. It started with me just checking my emails on a few sites. Then I got to looking at beautiful guys' profile pictures, and soon remember I hadn't gotten off over the weekend. We'd camped in a crowded area. Too noisy for our neighbors in the woods.

A twirling sensation below my navel amped up pretty quickly. And soon I really wanted to hook up. So I put it out there, and within a couple of hours had Shy Slender Guy Who Warmed Up Nicely over.

He was fairly nervous, but I could tell loved to kiss. Passion took over for a bit, erasing any awkwardness. Our hands roamed and stoked the fire. Sweetness and lust combined. I loved that he returned my caresses. Soon we grabbed eachother freely as we played with various thrusts, holds, and half-competitive explorations. I was hard soon enough. He was excited but didn't get hard. He expressed some regret over not being erect. I assured him that it didn't matter to me, that I was having a marvelous time, and that things didn't need to look any which way. He wanted to top me, but said that condoms caused him to go limp - something that alot of guys experience. I thanked him for the compliment, and stated that I only had intercourse with a condom on. But that there are a million other ways to have fun. He readily agreed. Didn't press. Just danced with me.

He relaxed and then got hard. Soon came the lube. Heavenly. He encouraged me to pseudo-fuck him: he lay on his back with his legs together, my cock thrusting him from on top, in that awesome area underneath the balls. Embraced and close. I held it off for a bit, but then at his encouragement orgasmed in between him - his legs.

We switched, and I got to enjoy his thrusts, on my back. He moaned in my mouth as his sperm escaped his cock below. Such sweetness. A romping primate now a melted pup. Something how that energy changes almost instantly at orgasm. And if we're present enough to stay connected and not withdraw inwardly entirely, magical like the glowing sun-hues at a sunset. Tenderness embodied.

We cuddled and then he mentioned he needed some energy. He had walked from some distance to my place. I wondered if he'd had the money for the bus-fare. He was nicely dressed with new clothes, had a cellphone too, but something about his manner and a couple of things he said about "freelancing" it made me offer to head out to lunch a few blocks away, my treat. He quickly accepted, and I was glad I had offered.

Lunch at a nearby food-joint was delicious. We ate near the water-way. Soon we parted, and I hope I'll connect with Shy Slender Guy Who Warmed Up Nicely again.

My Love came home several hours later, and asked if I'd done anything fun. Yes, I couldn't keep it in, (that darn "communicator" personality that the Sex Diaries author talks about), I'd hooked up with a cute guy, had fun, and I rattled of a few other things I'd done, exercised, talked with a friend on the phone from back East planning an upcoming campout, prepared images for an art project I'm doing, done some laundry. My Honey I Adore kept smiling and didn't ask questions. We talked easily about several things, but I had a little knot in my stomach, like I had committed an indiscretion. Even though I'd broken no agreement, something still felt a little surreal.

The next day we drove to an errand together. I kept thinking, do I tell my partner that the young guy I hooked up with the day before, by most accounts after, seemed to be homeless or similar, so I took him out to eat with me?

Part of me wants to share, because I'm excited. How often do I have the honor? And I remember how not-far-removed I am/was from this guy at one point in my life.

Part of me wants to be spared the questioning I assume will come, and judgments - implied or spoken. Did he steal anything? Why'd you let him in the house? ...

To tell or not to tell. That afternoon I decided not to tell.

And now I tell.

Not because the world needs to hear. But because I want to write it. In this quasi-journal of intimacy.

shadow



Our friend Wiz Even-Keeled Sexy Man
at Burning Man.

A shadow is defined in dictionary.com as: 1. a dark image or shape cast on a surface by the interception of light rays by a body, 9. an inseparable companion, 12. (in Jungian psychology) the archetype that represents man's animal ancestors. 

Yet another school of thought defines shadow as: those parts of oneself that one does not always see clearly.

This weekend I had the opportunity to host a person dear to me, and I ended up making her cry. Let's call her Beautiful Brown-Eyed Triathlete. It's since caused me alot of thought. And sickness to my stomach. Damn I can be gruff sometimes.

animal names

A few years ago I attended an experiential men's training. In one guided visualization I saw clearly a deer. That has since been my animal name. I also saw what I later learned was my shadow animal: black bear.

running deer 

Characteristics of the deer to which I feel some affinity: gentle, wide-eyed, alert, timid, highly sensitive to changing energies - for safety and survival, free, groupie, quiet, earthy, ancestral, magical.

black bear

Characteristics of the bear to which I feel some affinity when in my shadow energy, which often surprise me: fierce, unpredictable, ready to swipe out an enemy - real or perceived, loner, lumbering, withdrawing into a dark cave to hibernate, destructive.


In this dualism I am at times bewhildered. Rejecting the shaming of Western religions, I still recognize though that my body feels misaligned when I have acted ungracefully towards my relations. That my actions have not been congruent with my life mission. I try to be gentle with myself. Yet see things cleary. Now I am left to do the work of sorting out how I will do things differently next time. To put back in union the loves which are dear to me. To await the hopeful forgiveness. And to be forgiving when others act like a lumbering black bear - including myself.

The deer and the bear need loved.

 

pictures near Death Valley, California

trail drama

It seems that no matter what there's always some drama on the trail. Even when it's a great group of friends. Doesn't matter if it's long-time trusted friends, new friends, or family.

Whether it's someone getting bitchy about being hungry, a lovers' misunderstanding, jagged emotions verbalized, or uncomfortably long silences, it seems that it is part of the human experience. It takes some forgiveness and adaptation to make groups work. Sometimes the mess is scary. Other times you just know it'll be fine.

imagine

Imagine if we had a gay military general, or a female military general. Do you think they'd send as many young men to their deaths?

validation

How do people get their validation?

This became partly clear to me a few days ago when I stayed over at a new acquaintance's house in a new city in his bed, with him in it. I was wanting some physical connection, but he wasn't. I normally think I have my shit together, so I was mentoring myself to let go of expectations, to be okay with whatever unfolded, to accept this moment for what it was. Go to sleep. That proved harder than I thought.

I lay there trying to go to sleep for over three hours. Calm my mind. Not feel rejected. Feel strong and competent and sexy. But I didn't. And I just wanted to fuck. Cuddling would have been cool, but fucking seemed even better.

After thinking about it for some time I got up and did just that. In the wee hours of the morning I went to a bathhouse and found a very sexy Canadian, Bearded Mischievious Smiley Guy Who Loves to Touch, and we had at it for a couple hours. Man he was divine. There was a mirror in his room, and we fucked like enamored rabbits, grabbing eachother's heads, enjoying eachother's company. The experience of a few hours ago was not entirely gone, but this sure was amazing. Great connection. Great fucking.

On my way out Twink with the Purple Undies and Studded Collar stopped me and we kissed for a few minutes. He wanted us to go back to his room, but I had already cum twice inside Bearded Smiley Guy - inside the condom - and was feeling pretty tired. I was flattered, thanked him sincerely, and went and slept. Was this what I had come looking for?

Later I thought about where I get my validation. Part of it I obviously get from other people. I feel flattered, wanted, esteemed, sexy, when other men desire me. Or people in general. Not all men are going to desire me physically, just like I don't desire all men. I'm usually okay with that. And then sometimes, as demonstrated, I'm not. I asked myself, is that okay?

Sometimes I surprise myself with feeling so small. I know in my head that much of my validation has to come from within myself. No-one will love and advocate for me better than I will, tell me what I need to hear, watch out for my needs, read my mind, know what will work in what moment. And yet part of me still wants to be validated by others. Both treacherous and beautiful, I know. Our species is a social one.

I DO get validation from... - my partner - in a big way, parts of my family, friends, work people, the sunset, the wide open spaces over a lake, thrilling beats, my breath in a stretch, the ground under my bare feet. And I continue to explore the question, how do I get my validation?

I have a few answers, but choose to roll this question around over the next few days.

nerdy romp

One of the guys I've hooked up with reads this blog and asked to be in it :). Done.

Sexy man, you'll read this, I'm sure. It's always a bit tougher writing knowing that the people I write about will sometimes read about themselves here, as well as the Man I Adore And Intend To Grow Old With. Not because I can't find enough beautiful or complimentary things to say about you, as every person has much to admire, but because I want to stay true to my diary-like style, and stay true to telling the story in a personal way - reflecting, musing. That's part of what makes it compelling.

It's a good exercise too in that it helps me to speak thoughtfully about people, always something to strive for, while speaking my truth. I don't always get it right, and welcome feedback.

We'd been texting for a few days, and finally met over coffee. We instantly had a lot in common in previous work experience. After talking for a while we headed to my place and had a good romp. I'll share a few descriptive names I think are telling. Oh, and by the way I think "nerdy" is cool. One of my partner's favorite characteristics in a guy is nerdy: using big words, possibly glasses, able to talk with knowledge about certain subjects, a certain geekiness or naivete in others. I'm finding it kinda hot too.

Nerdy Eager Guy With the Cock Adoring Skills, Bubbly Smiley Forward Dude With A Surprising Little Dominant Side, Guy Not Afraid to Throw Me Around On the Bed a Bit - much to my delight, as we were already comfortable, Cheesy Button-up Shirt Guy With a Go-Getter Loves-To-Pleasure-Hard-Cock Twist.

 

mouse trip: acrobatic play

MOUSE TRIP is an Italian guy's blog that I follow for his sexy and playful pictures.

What took me with this picture is his strength and athleticism. Yes he looks great, ripped, muscley bulges in all the right places... and beyond genetics its also his athleticism and how hard he works his body. Not just anyone can do horizontal stands like this! Sometimes people look at a body and wish they could look like that. See what he does to make his body look like that. It's alot of hard work.

He motivates me to use my body in greater playful, acrobatic, and strength feats. And he's just great to look at :).

body awareness

Effective self-nurturing often happens on the level of body awareness, so nice physical experiences - massages, hot baths, skin lotion, flannel pajamas - can give a sense of comfort and security even when your mind is anxious and your thoughts are a mess. 

- Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy