couple help

Two guy friends of ours are having marital troubles. They've been together for as long as I've known them, which is several years, and are still in their 20's. They used to be among the most connected people I know. I attended their wedding - amazing, call my own honey sweet things that I heard them say first, and have enjoyed their company and exemplary intimacy.

I'd hoped that they'd be together forever, but now that's looking doubtful. For the last couple years there's been this jealousy and moodiness that wasn't there before. They were pioneering (for me) in polyamory, intentional community, and several other things. And now they're sleeping in separate rooms.

If I could tell them anything in the world, from my perspective, knowing them, it would be this:

1. keep flirting!
2. bless him!

Let me explain:

1. Keep flirting with your husband. You flirt with others, so you can with him. What I mean by this is keep saying sweet things, texting him, taking him out on dates, being excited to see him. If you don't feel it, do it, and the feeling will likely come. If you feel all lovey, well show it to him too. Be creative, keep winning him over, not taking him for granted. Just because you've been together for years doesn't mean you still don't try to be your best for him.

If he says, "sweets, I feel like you don't want to have sex with me anymore," for hell's sake don't respond, "well I don't"! Take the bigger picture. He's vulnerable and expressing a very intimate feeling of inadequacy. Ask him instead, "what can I do to let you know I want to have sex with you?" or "the feeling changes from time to time, I think that's natural, but I do love you and want you." Reassure him.

A lot of people say nasty shit behind the veneer of "honesty." You don't have to be so "honest" sometimes that you're rude and unsophisticated. Words are hard to take back. Keep judgments minimal, and talk more about feelings and wants.

This leads to the second:

2. Bless him. Be the bigger one. Put on some grandfather archetypal energy. (Even the toddler, from his high-chair, sometimes reaches out and hugs his weeping mother, for example.) Support him and don't react sometimes.

If he's hurting, hold him for a few minutes. If you're both hurting, support yourself as best as you can, then shelf it for a bit, and be there for him. Somebody's got to start it. Then later he can reciprocate.

• Say the words he needs to hear.
• Do the things he really wants done.
• Connect in the way he wants to connect.
• Bless him in the ways that mean the most to him.

(For me, some of them are:

• touching me on the head,
• using a couple of sweet pet-names that we have [I can't believe I'm disclosing this, lol],
• putting both hands on my shoulders and saying, "hey, I'm here for you,"
• holding me from above me - not below me,
• coming and sitting next to me - touching lightly).

No amount of anger, withdrawnness, feeling butt-hurt, can't be eventually worked through. Nearly everyone needs reassured. When it comes to partners, usually frequently.