I have two default behaviors which I sometimes do unconsciously. Sometimes they are destructive. Other times they are creative. I've recently become more aware of them. Being in a relationship provides an excellent mirror to see them (these "shadow" behaviors).
1. The corrector and tidy-upper guy.
2. The let's-pack-the-day-with-as-much-as-we-possibly-can guy.
The first one demonstrates by a generally clean house, laundry done impeccably, and attention to detail. As a nurse this is great, I remember the medications, the million details and orders involved in care, the teaching, etc. But as a partner especially I can be a word-monger, taking exception to poorly-worded responses, coming off as over-critical and judgmental. This energy also dislikes loose ends in conversations.
See the problem? This guy can alienate the people he loves most - among them his darling partner. This energy has its place, and I honor it. But it's best if I'm conscious about it, and sometimes put it away.
The second energy is obviously useful from a get-things-done perspective. But where it bites me in the butt the most with my partner is coming late or just on time to an event. It stresses him out tremendously. His default behavior is to arrive early to everything to mitigate anxiety. I contribute to him feeling frazzled. (Meanwhile, in my reality, I'm glorying in the fact that I squeezed in one more to-do, but aware that I stressed my man.) So I try to adapt. Drop a to-do item and get there early. Even if it means sitting there for me.
It's my new and chosen reality.
A shadow, in this reference, is a behavior that is often done unconsciously. Better to try to become conscious of it.
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