sex, boredom,& lovers

 

I recently chatted with a couple of men who I met through this blog who again confirmed what I have been finding: that many longer-term partners, regardless of love, have less sex after a few years together. That's less often and less involved (for example, less intercourse than before). Usually radically less often.

Frankly, it's a concept I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around. Usually I hear one partner wishing for more, and the other resisting. It's not a trend I want to follow, not if I can do anything about it.

One man, I'll call him beautiful eyes dual-continent skyper, says it's been less than a handful of times in the last five years with his partner. I asked him when it had slowed. He held up his hand with the wedding band on it, "when this came on."

Another man, I'll call him masturbation ritual champion, told me that he and his man don't have much intercourse anymore. They used to fuck nearly every day, now it's about monthly. Mostly it's jacking off and cuddling. He mentioned how connected he feels in intercourse.

Both of these men adore their partners and have no intention of leaving them. They were very clear on this.

The second guy referenced the book The Male Couple, which based on interviews, found that after 6 years none of the couples were monogamous, reportedly evidence for the "boredom factor" - which then supposedly leads to seeking sexual contact with new guys, as both of my new friends (and I) do. He also said he thought it's part of a declining-sex-with-partners-phenomena. "There's no expectation of learning anything new..."

I admit that there is a certain familiarity with a partner, okay, sometimes boredom might creep in. But this is no excuse for not changing it up, learning to communicate, and learning to give to each other. I also reject, for me, that I won't be learning or doing anything new with my partner. There are a million ways to get creative, to learn new things. Communication especially. And non-monogamy has been my ideal since I was 15, not tied to boredom.

From talking to the yearning partners, it seems to me that it is more a break-down in communication - on something that is really important - physical intimacy between partners - than anything else.

In my ideal world the bulk of my "sex diet" would be with my partner(s). Yes, I love sex with others. The newness is exciting, it's a different experience. In fact, in the last little while it's been from 2-4 times a month with someone else in person. Still it's exactly the familiarity and love with my partner that makes physical union with him - the man I've chosen to spend my life with - something pretty damn special. At times a whole different level of magic.

I refuse to let him off the hook at this point :). No pun intended, but it certainly fits here. I need that connection with him. Like I've said before, it doesn't have to be ejaculation or penetration, but it does have to be closeness, for me at least.

To many couples I thought were indestructible, no sex between them eventually became a red flag for one or both of them. Some have separated.

Other couples we know get by on less. Still, one partner usually cites this as less than ideal. And I suspect if you asked them each, they might agree.

A common statistic does not have to be pre-destiny!