holding back

In many cases its good to hold back.

If anyone saw the movie "Hitch" with Will Smith and Kevin James, this principle is one of the key points the "Love doctor" tried to teach Kevin Smith's over-eager character. Sometimes restraint is attractive. And throwing yourself at someone can turn them off.

The other night I came accross wonderfully sculpted wolverine look-alike in the hallway. He eyed me, I eyed him. It being the bath-house, we cross paths again shortly in another space, and slowed for a gentle smile and eye contact. One of us reached out to touch the abs (versus the crotch). I was amazed at the bulk of his muscles, particularly his ass and shoulders. But didn't spend alot of time on them with my hands. Think - restraint. We gently touched, then within a minute or two handled each others' hard-ons. Also a little restraint.

If I had immediately started groping his ass, or gone down on my knees to adore his half-flaccid cock, perhaps my over-eagerness would have scared him off. I'm generally put off when guys come at me like they're starving, too much too soon. If they're super hot its only slightly alleviated for a few minutes, as I digest the flattery of it, but then start to squirm away at his over-bearing pushyness.

I guess part of it is the dance. Perceptivity of what each other like. If he slows down for a few seconds to see what I like and don't like. And I "listen" enough to his body-language to "see" what he likes and dislikes, and respond appropriately. In the case of mr. wonderfully sculpted, after a few minutes I did let my hand follow the crack down of his two gluteus muscles. Amazing. My middle finger explored the masucline hairy zone to the rectum. He gently reached his hand back and moved my hand away to his lower back. Bingo: he doesn't want to be fingered. Listen. Set that expectation aside. Explore somewhere else, there are dozens, if not hundreds of other options.

Alot of guys bull-doze their way physically in what they like. If they like the nipples, even if I'm super ticklish there and keep moving their hands away, they keep pressing and trying to pinch the nipples. Annoying. Or a one-track top. Or the guy who keeps kissing like a snake - jutting his tongue out like the one-trick-wonder he's become. What would be more attractive is if he danced with his partner, taking into account the individual person's in front of him likes and doesn't.

In the above case with mr. wolverine, sometimes I wonder how someone so average like me can have the good fortune of mixing with such a hottie like him. I've often wondered this as I have the priviledge of playing with such beautiful men. There are many parts to the answer I think. 1. Shy. Many beautiful guys are shy to some degree or don't see themselves as beautiful deeply, so making the first gentle move is flattery to them, as they might be too shy to do so themselves. I'm suprised by how many guys are waiting for someone else to make the first move, or flirtation. 2. Confidence. People in general, inside or outside the bedroom, are grateful for a person with quiet confidence. Not arrogance. But still assurance. When I don't have it, I fake it, then I usually make it. Even being fairly average-looking myself, the confidence makes me attractive, I am told, and I believe. I am neither model-quality, nor the ugly duckling. Somewhere in the middle. I'm attracted to alot of guys like me too, boy-next-door, so why not believe that they can be attracted to me? 3. Restraint. In my head I'm not desperate. I tell myself that if this experience does not work out, I have the competence, skill, and happiness to find it elsewhere. Abundance over scarcity. There are many great guys in the world. I don't rush into kissing or groping or whatever. I think that restraint itself is attractive. In my long-term relationship this principle still applies, though its looks different. Perhaps a topic for another time. 4. Blessor. I see sex as a legitimate expression of love and kindness. An opportunity to "bless" others and myself, leaving us both feeling fuller and happier. And I see every human being as divine and special. The demonstrates in the smallest ways loudly: adjusting the pillow for his comfort under his head, a smile, hands that give not just take. Though both are fun. Lust is a great avenue for the divine. And he is divine. I really beleive that.

Now please don't misunderstand. I don't think its cool to hold back the truth, especially from your intimate partner(s). Holding back one's feelings - forever - is not generally good either. Holding back professionally questionable.

But I think we get the idea. Here's a clip from the movie. The character of Kein James has hired Will Smith's character to teach him how to romance. Funny true stuff: http://youtu.be/DSpJQlBJCzA