june 21-29

• june 21: sex with my Darling Partner that I Adore
• june 22: romp with Professional Dad Who I Think Is Going Behind His Partner's Back now 
• june 23: wonderful close physical time and conversation with Eastern Arts Student on the Water 
• june 24: got off with Darling Partner 
• june 25: intimacy group with 6 friends in our basement - clothes on this time - felt really connected
• june 27: animalistic fucking with my Partner that I Adore - more primitive than usual - deeply satisfying
• june 29: spontaneous dildo and butt plug mirror time with Sensual Vocal Dad - ended up taking each other 

window fucking

A few nights ago I walked home from work late and saw a beautiful naked man jogging in his window. Or so I thought.

Up on the fourth floor I could see him. I wondered if he was on a treadmill. I forgot my manners and stopped to stare. Is he fucking? No. It couldn't be. Right there, in front of the window? Upon closer looking I saw yes, he was fucking a woman bent over doggy-style, only visible from time to time as she reared up... her long hair tossed rhythmically like a rag-doll. 

Instantly a hot energy flared up in my groin. Man, I wanted to be fucking too. Watching them. I stared unabashedly. Now he saw me, but kept going. The girl looked down to where I was on the street too. Pretty soon he climaxed it seemed, embracing her, and both of them disappearing on the bed, likely. 

Now I was hot to trot. What was a pleasant summer walk home now was a-man-on-a-mission. I turned on my grindr and contacted a handful of nearby guys in this new neighborhood. A few responded, a couple looked promising. Then Type-A Corporate Kinky Guy popped up. I had been chatting with him on another site for a couple of months. He needed to get up early tomorrow, he said. Could I stop by and give him a quickie, I responded... ? 

Soon I was at his house and we talked for a couple minutes before falling silent groping each other. We felt like we knew each other a bit from our previous interactions. We were both pretty horned up. These few initial moments tell alot about what kind of permissions and energy will be allowed. Who's more aggressive? Or are both pretty forward? Will this experience have some caressing, and do one or both enjoy that sweetness? Will there be kissing? How much personal sexual experience is evident? 

Clothes came off quickly, and he pushed me playfully onto his bed. Hot. Corporate Kinky Guy was a type-A personality it seemed, used to getting what he wanted. Again, how nice to have this energy on the bed. Strangely though he responded to my hands cupped behind his head and sweet exchanges too. I LOVED him getting what he wanted. He bent me in different positions, playing and wanting to fuck me. 

We tried some of that, and though I'm totally willing, alot of times it doesn't work if I haven't prepared. (Used my dildo first.) No worries, we were having fun anyways, and could get off in a whole lot of other kinky ways. 

I wondered if he was so much of a top that he wouldn't allow me to kind of wrestle him down a bit on the bed. I took a risk and put on the physical strength to flip him over. I went from more passive to pretend-fucking him, pinning him in various sexual moves. He LOVED it too. With me stroking his cock, he had to move my hand away a few times so he could hold off on cumming. We wanted it to last longer. Soon I was into him, literally. I edged my cock in just little by little, distracting him and keeping his horniness high so that it would be all pleasure. Type-A wasn't used to bottoming, but really wanted it at the moment. It took a few moments of gentleness before I could do more aggressive thrusting, which both of us loved. Even from the "bottom" he had alot of "top" energy and was kind of "handling me" even from various seemingly more receiving poses. 

I'm not exactly sure how we came. I think we left penetrating each other and sat with legs and arms entwined, stroking each other. Amazingly hot. He came first, then me. After my orgasm I kept spasming in a good way. We talked a bit horizontal on the bed, but I knew this was a "quickie" turned longer, and that he had to get up early, as did I actually. I hope to meet up with Kinky Guy again, and go kayaking, camping, hiking, with him and his man. I enjoyed his knowing what he wanted, his gentle aggressiveness, and his skill with his hands. 

And all this from seeing a guy fuck his girlfriend in the window :). Good things lead to good things. 

sleepovers

A few days ago I visited another city on my own where I have some good friends. I was able to see several of them. A recurring theme emerged: sleep-overs, or at least the desire for sleep-overs. Looking back, it was interesting that every night I was there I had at least one offer for a sleep-over, with half of them being platonic. One was from a straight guy, and one a woman!... both very good friends.

I consider it a priviledge and an honor that friends will speak their direct desires to me. Whether they get them or not, it is beautiful - and vulnerable - to voice exactly what one wants. So I consider it a testament to closeness and a certain level of comfort that we've achieved.

1. It started with Superman Shoulders Guy, who I texted for the planned upcoming orgy. We've met several times, just us, and with my partner, and he's picked me up from the airport a couple times. He wasn't feeling the desire to come to the group event, but did state that he'd love to cuddle for the night. We couldn't because of plans, but left it open for another time.

2. In preparing for the orgy, - texting and emailing a bunch of guys - I spoke with Voracious Bottom Friend who would have to take the bus over. I wouldn't mind if he slept over for the night? Of course, I said. He was actually the only one that slept over that trip. We did have some awesome morning sex and a good conversation on the way back to his place.

3. The next morning after the orgy Chiseled Middle-Aged Power Top texted thank-you, and said that he had overheard that Voracious Bottom was sleeping over the night. He said he'd have loved to join us and take off for work the next morning. Next time will do. The bed's big enough :).

4. I visit a Differently-Abled Straight Friend most every time I'm in town. It's great to catch up with him and chat, and be in his reality for a while. We met through work, and though we have always talked openly about everything, and he cusses and kids around with me, it has always been just two dudes, platonic. So it was interesting to me that he, out-of-the-blue, said that I could sleep over if I wanted to. He said if I needed to "wank off" I could go in the bathroom, but then come sleep on the floor in his room.

I didn't know whether to be weirded out by this seemingly random and otherwise out-of-place comment, or whether to be flattered by this new level of emotional friendliness in our friendship. I was both, but more flattered really. What did I say or do that invited this comment? I'd love to hold him in his bed. He has spent the last many years there alone in his bed, nearly 24/7. I wouldn't be sexual, honestly. I wouldn't want to dishonor him or disrespect his wishes, but I really do love him. I think that many people in our modern society are lonely, and perhaps among other things, would love to just have someone to lay down with at night - to have another human being next to their side to talk to, or just feel laying there, breathing, sharing their common experience.

I was honored and touched that he would ask me. I couldn't meet the request at that time, but would be open to it at some time.

5. And finally I met for tea with my awesome Female Yogi Friend. We were drawn to eachother at work a few years ago, and have kept in touch occassionally, though always deeply it seems. She speaks deeply and differently from the mainstream, and I learn so much every time I see her. She is my same age, sexy as heck, could be a model, and I find myself physically attracted to her. It's different than with guys, but its definitely physical. We've spoken about healing and touch many times, and her desire to hold others especially in healing situations.

I took a risk and expressed that I'd love to hold her. "You talking holding or sex?," she asked straight-forwardly? "Holding," I responded. So we had a beautiful experience where she held me first, and we talked and sat quietly enjoying eachother, and then I held her. Exquisite. We talked about attractions, friendship, sex, requests, expectations, old wounds, our healing journeys, etc. We talked about the possibility of having sex. I'd love to, and it would be a first with a woman, but I've been open to the idea for some time. We talked about sleeping over. Unfortunately I had some work to do before leaving in the wee hours of the morning soon, so had to decline. Maybe for better, maybe for worse, either way, it was what it was. With no expectation, we both enjoyed simply holding and being close as friends.

I value that experience with her, and we've since written each other about the scarcity of non-sexual touch and holding, and how beautiful it felt. Good enough on its own, not just as a median on the way somewhere else.

The theme of that little trip seemed sleep-overs. I'm a believer that not all things are coincidence. Some things are meant to be, or coincide so magically that one is shuffled along the way gently to a new understanding or experience. So next time I visit there I'll have an official sleep-over or two. It's about time. And I'd love to close my eyes at night with my friends, breathing the same air next to eachother, and knowing that I am not always alone.

honey, capoeira, tantra, and baby

Random title, I know. Welcome to my life sometimes. I prefer to delight in it for its variety. Consciously sought. And not without risk and sometimes a downside. Below are four nouns describing four recent guys.


honey

A few nights ago I came home and my Honey and I connected physically sweetly. I forget the details, just remember how much I love him and how alive our connection felt. It's good for me to remember now... sitting here in the coffee shop with Ewan McGregor singing soaring lines in the speakers overhead. It was after an intense experience with another couple guys, and I was surprised at the abundance of sexual energy left flowing through me. The next morning we awoke leisurely, and he climbed on me. I partially wanted to save some of my physical sexual stamina for the weekend coming up, knowing that I had an appointment, but decided to leave that reservation aside. We had another wonderful experience. No intercourse both times. Wonderfully intense and full of love and lust. And time afterwards speaking sweet nothings to each other.


capoeira

A couple of days before I went to a masturbation club. I had just arrived from travelling last the night before, and considered bailing, but had told Beautiful Smiling Greek God With Killer Thighs online that we'd meet there, so kept my word going. I was not disappointed. I walked in and found him and Flirtatious Marathoner From Work seated in a corner with hands on eachother's cocks. I smiled but they were busy, so I went and watched two other beautiful guys in erotic action on a central altar/counter. Within a few mintues Beautiful Smiling Greek God With Killer Thighs came and stood next to me, and we quickly got acquainted and were stroking eachother and lightly caressing eachother. Flirtatious Marathoner From Work came over joined in a hot little standing threesome. He leaned over and whispered, "Nobody at work needs to know about this," to which I responded, "Of course." Funny how worried he seemed about this. Like I would blab his personal info. Everyone should get to decide who they share their private information with, and how much. They wandered off in a couple minutes.

I wandered a bit looked at who I might be interested in. There were lots of guys there. Several caught my eye, especially shorter Capoeira Nerdy Guy. He had a gymnast's body, minus the shaving, a small waist, broad shoulders, and a gorgeous smooth bubble butt. My Honey would like him too, I thought. I sat on a couch, stood to go stand next to him. We made eye contact, nodded and smiled, and he came over. I asked if I could touch him. He responded, "Of course." He felt so good, instantly both of us were hard, and moved in gently to touch eachother with the other free hand (not on the cock) on the neck, back, and and butts. This is often an exciting little game of new territory where two mates discover what eachother respond to, like, and don't like, and how far we can go in compatibility, all without words generally. He liked sweet exploratory touching, wasn't oppossed to kissing, enjoyed embracing, and was present with his eyes and smile, all things which I like too and found incredibly sexy. He looked up through his glasses somewhat shyly, not without experience though :).

I asked, and Capoeira Nerdy Guy and I moved to a covered couch. Things got pretty warm between us. And soon Beautiful Smile Guy came and sat with us for a while with his nice hard-on. Flirtatious Marathoner sat in the next couch over. Soon I looked around and there were a dozen guys standing around wanking. Creepy but hot. I was thoroughly into Capoeira Guy, and it was reciprocated. We semi-sat on eachother, observing the no-penetration rules of the club. I particularly love the experience of kindness, sweetness and blessing mixed in with the eroticism of lustful fondling, holding, and exploring. Something sexy about unrushed and present too, all of which Capoeira Guy possessed.

We moved to a bed next in an adjascent room. There are three beds side by side with mirrors there too. To make a long story short we came once, nearly simultaneously, then lay to cuddle and get to know eachother, and soon found ourselves humping and fondling eachother eagerly again. We enjoyed increasingly grabbing eachother with some strength, behing the neck, on the ass, the waist, the back, the legs, becoming comfortable with eachother, and eventually came a second time, both of us. Man that was incredible. And talked quietly some more.

I enjoyed how he opened himself slowly to the new experience of gazing into eachother's eyes. I know that this is too intense for alot of guys, especially if first meeting. At first he'd close his eyes in enjoyment, and open from time to time. I'd try to match some of that too, to not be "too much." With time we became comfortable to a deeper degree in maintaining some eye contact in our gyrations. Incredibly, intimately hot. To see another human being in their divine ecstasy. Alive.
I told my Honey about him, and he was definitely interested.


tantra

I'd met once before with Sexy Grey Tantra Man. It was a part of my opening up to new experiences, and seeking new intimate learning. I was rewarded, and after some time of trying to meet up with him again, we met at a new exquisite location. He was much more grounded this time. Let's just say that the space we were in provided some wonder foot-holds and positions, warm cubby. And visions of clouds and sun. We moved around and shared physical inner insights from time to time. I loved his unhurried approach... his enjoyment of every moment... his fresh ideas from ancient traditions and personal wants. What an opportunity to see his life and approach. Some of the awarenesses I've gained from him have been with me every time I orgasm.


baby

In an ideal world, I'd have given myself more time in between these two sex appointments. In reality I gave myself just one day. So beside the physical sexual tiredness, I was tired of giving and topping and expending such high-intensity energy. My personality is such, or at times I exude so much sensual high energy that it comes to be expected of me, and partners might assume an entirely passive role. Some partners, including my lifetime partner from time to time, will assume nearly a baby-role... to be "fed" and "nurtured" sexually, enjoying my adoration which is sincere, but sometime exhausting.

[I hope it goes without saying that including the word "baby" here in no instance condones or encourages any such sexual experience with actual infants, that's criminal. I use the word loosely to describe an energy, an energy that comes up among consenting adults in a sexual experience.]

So I met with Lanky Professional Self-Made Dad. We'd also met once before and had an amazing time. We'd been trying to meet again for some time, and finally made it work. He's normally the top in his male-male union, and last time thoroughly enjoyed the surprise of bottoming. I was gentle, kept him happily distracted (worked his cock - while working his ass incrementally), and we ended up having some all-out sweaty pounding that involved no pain and all pleasure. So I think this time he had some set expectations. Though unspoken, it was clear from his positioning and energy that he wanted to be taken again. Perhaps a man that takes charge, self-makes himself, and takes high leadership everywhere else in life sometimes just wants some time to relinquish that responsibility and have someone else take that role in the bed. I can relate to that.

At the same time I was wanting some of that. And somewhat tired from all my previous sexual activity. And stressed from all the coordination it took to arrange the gig with my Honey. So I found myself fulfilling Lanky Professional Dad's fantasy, fucking him in all sorts of flexible positions, that normally would have been a huge turn-on to me, but this time felt like alot of work. Like I was fulfilling a role that he wanted, but that I wasn't really into at the moment. Believe me, I was getting something from the exchange too, but it just didn't seem as fulfulling. And he was letting me do all the work, not bringing any energy to the experience... just wanting to get fucked like crazy and close his eyes and retract into himself. I went limp a couple times. But being the dutiful boy scout :), and having to be at work a bit later in the afternoon, I made it happen and he came with me thrusting him. We lay on our backs ass to ass and I wanked until I came too. Still hot physically.

You can tell alot about the default personality of a guy after he cums. Will he just want you out after? Is he a gentleman after he's gotten what he wanted? Is he a gentleman even if he doesn't feel like it?... or after the impetus of horny chemistry is abated? Nearly all guys can be sweat-hearts and embracing when in the throws of passion and panting thrusting. It might be part of getting what they want - reaching the glorious climax of ejaculation - the pleasing their partner and doing what their partner wants. But will they humor you after? What are their true wants in addition to cumming? Was cumming the main thing they wanted? There is no shame or judgement in that, heck, many times that's exactly what I've wanted too. But there is an awareness of matching wants and interests arising at different spaces in our lives.

Lanky Professional Self-Made Dad was quite done when he'd finished. He was a gentleman, but nonetheless done, fairly silent, and ready to be done with our rendevous - I perceived. Perhaps some of my perception had to do with the story in my head, and my tiredness, and wanting to have a more mutually-equal sexperience this time.

I left feeling sad and a bit confused. It stayed with me last night after work, and I woke up feeling it this morning. Angry this morning too. I don't fully understand it, but am trying to let it teach me, and listen to what my body wisdom might speak to me. One guideline that might serve me better in the future is to generally allow some recovery time between rendevous. And then to meet more with like-minded equality-minded guys that bring something to the table too. And give time for me. Seek people and energy that will support me too.

The energy of blessing and giving sexually is not one that originates in me. I cannot be vain enough to assume that I am the originator. It comes from the universe and moves through me, as it does through others. I am a vessel for this energy to move through. Sometimes the vessel is tired. Or needs down time. Or needs to be blessed and supported and receive itself. I cannot always give. I must receive too (not just talking topping and bottoming here). With all this I ponder: when do I get to be a "baby" and just soak up the blessing, support, and adoration of another just giving, and I receiving?
All interesting questions.

3rd orgy

Here's a few pictures of the 3rd orgy I organized. Pictures are only of the guys who wanted them at the very end. A few guys didn't want to have their pictures taken, and were behind the cameras. The pictures are kind of grainy, but you get the idea. A better camera with more rapid shutter speed is in the works.

Except for Superman Shoulders and Haircut, and myself, this was an entirely new crew. In front of the camera were also: Newfound Muscle Guy, Hollering Top-turned-Bottom, and Voracious College Athlete. Not pictured were Shy Indecisive Gorgeous Guy, and a couple other guys I don't remember at the moment. We had a pretty nice finale in the hot shower.

The cameras only came out, with permission, at the end for about 20 minutes. Most of the time we just played and enjoyed.

Again, I loved how nicely everyone got along. Some guys were more into each other, and enjoyed each other. There were enough guys for everyone. And about half the time everyone was playing with nearly everyone. Good times.

2nd orgy

Here are a couple of pics from the second orgy I organized last summer. We took pictures at the end for those who consented.

We had a handful of guys present: Friendly Great-Ass European Backpacker, Dancer Actor Animal-Top, Lanky Tall Vocal Bottom, my friend Superman Shoulders and Haircut, and myself. As you can see there were various body types, nipple sizes, sexual tastes, and so on, but it seems that everyone was able to squirm into something acceptable for them. Some of the hottest stuff, in my mind, is just the affectionate / lustful exploration. 

I don't own you, and other principles of love

There are several principles that allow us to function as a polyamorous couple. They are definitely not our creations, we've gotten then from others at workshops, circles, conversations, and books.

1. I don't own you. You don't own me. I don't own where your eyes look. I don't own your behaviors, or your emotions, your clothing choices. Just because we've chosen to be together doesn't mean that somehow I decide things for you or own you. Slavery ended a while ago. You are your own free person with your own emotions, choices, friendships, and sometimes sexual partners.
2. We don't ask permission. We let eachother know, coordinate, and plan. If I really want to do something - meet with someone, exercise for an hour, take a trip, eat a burger, I don't ask permission. I do it. Because we love each other and consider each other in our decisions, we want to tell each other, and arrange a time when its convenient for the both of us. Calendar. Schedule together. We consider ourselves two equal, powerful adults.
3. My psyche is no longer just me. You are a part of my psyche, we are a unit together. When I make decisions I want to accomodate you, and bring you happiness. As such, though the previous point sound really individualistic, and is, and remains true, it is tempered by the fact that you are a part of my thoughts and wants. You are in my mind and heart when I plan my life. I consult you.
4. I know what I want and I ask for it. I might not get it, but I ask for it, knowing that I'll be more likely to get it.
5. Radical communication. Frequently. We tell it like it is in our hearts. We don't preach at eachother, but we tell eachother what's going on for us. We do the hard work that it takes to make an excellent relationship. We take this risk, and become vulnerable to each other. We remain civilized, and have learned to speak in language without blame. This, perhaps more than anything, has paid big dividends and brought us amazingly close. Often we are surprised by what's going on in the other's heart and mind. And most often endearingly surprised. It's hard. It's worth it.
6. I want an excellent relationship. I won't settle for a mediocre relationship. In fact, I insist on an excellent relationship. I'm willing to do the work for it to be excellent between us.

7. Love is a decision, not just a feeling. Even when I don't feel like it, I'll treat you in loving respectful ways. Because I've decided that you're one that I love. And when I act lovingly I usually feel loving towards you.

8. Amazing = amazing. Unsatisfying = unsatisfying. According to the book Sex Diaries, most people that SAY they have amazing sexual relationships, really do have them, consistently. People that always say they have unsatisfying sex, dull relationships, confrontational ones, or elusive ones, really do have them, consistently. In short, the type of sex we have is often a reflection of our attitudes. Its a pattern the author noticed in the thousands of diaries she gathered. People usually don't have a huge mix of good and bad sexual experiences. They're usually either characteristically amazing, or characteristically unsatisfying, statistically.

down under to deep-voice

A couple of weekends ago we travelled and I had some awesome experiences.

First off we stayed the first night with Playful Nature Lover from Down Under. I met him a couple years ago on DN, and we had a memorable multi-day camping and hiking experience with a little group in the mountains. I'd looked forward to seeing him again, and he was playful and a gracious host as ever. My goodness, what a sweetie. My partner enjoyed meeting him and his company and conversation.

Night came and we all three got in bed dead tired, ready to sleep. I swear. But Down Under and I kept caressing and quietly running our fingers across eachother. Soon sleep left us. I reached down and held his massive thick hard erection. It was bigger than I had remembered. I'm not much of a size-queen, doesn't really matter to me, but I have to say I was impressed and the hornier. Meanwhile my partner slept or was trying to sleep, so we slipped into the living room and closed the bedroom door, since I knew it was going to get rythmically louder here in a bit.

It was nice to be able to talk a bit and express our fondness for seeing eachother again, while in super-sexual positions. Aargh. We enjoyed exploring and rubbing with our hands. After some time I wanted to be in him, so I asked, and he was eager. I would have been okay with whatever. Oh man, I thoroughly enjoyed fucking my friend Playful Nature Lover from Down Under in all sorts of positions on his couch. My favorite with him was close to him, him curled up in a ball under me, his ass providing heavenly entry, his sweet smiling eyes inches from mine. I came. Then without detaching rubbed his thick uncut cock the minute left it needed to explode too. He was quite vocal. Damn, so sexy. He fixed us a phenomenal breakfast with great views of the city the next morning. Man I'm blessed to have such a sweet friend.

By the afternoon I'd travelled by train and ferry to meet with other friends at a rented beach-house. Present were my Longtime Brother-Friend (we're not literally siblings), his boyfriend Sexy Sideburns New Porn Star, and a male-male couple I hadn't seen in years, who I was excited to see again: Tall Deep-Voice Academic and his Sweet Eyes Not-So-Innocent Good-Boy. I arrived and Tall Deep-Voice was plowing Sexy Sideburns in the shower. The other three of us sat on the couch and tried to chat and catch up, but the sex sounds from the bathroom were too distracting, we couldn't stop smiling and stopping to listen.

About an hour later we were all lounging around on the big bed glad to catch up and snuggle. Soon a couple shirts came off and two guys were rubbing hard-ons with their bodies. Energy changes quickly I guess. Within a few minutes there were five of us naked on the bed in various positions. What was interesting about this was that in my eight years of friendship with Longtime Brother-Friend this was our first time we'd allowed ourselves to be in a situation like this together. We had talked about it the week before, and decided to make the only rule in our friendship - communication. So we made out for a few seconds then both giggled at this new experience between us. It felt so refreshing to intentionally drop our previous parameters into this freedom.

Hands were grabbing everywhere, touching, exploring. It became a scene like in a porn video. Deep-Voice and I wanted to grab our cameras, but with lube on our hands and cocks already, and not wanting to miss any of the lovin' ourselves, we opted to be full participants instead. What a scene of joy and delight. This is when I feel so lucky to be a gay man. A gay man who can love in this way. Esteem my friends dearly, travel across the country to be with them, and have sex with them, then all lay down to spend the night together. And had a surprise-to-me connected sexual experience with Tall Deep-Voice. We'd jerked off before on camping trips, but this was more intimate. More affection and eye-contact, which previously made me nervous, but now I find so sweet with someone who dares return it. Opening myself to love.

We all later went to an underwear dance party - my first actually, and later came home to sleep. The next morning we enjoyed breakfast at a beachside cafe. I had a mild crush on our waiter, who the night before had almost joined us in our group fun. My, I can have mini-crushes on a handful of guys at the same time :). It used to perplex me, now I just go with it.

On the third night I got to sleep in my Love's arms for a couple hours before we had to hit the airport early. I got in a nap and went to work. After a good-night's rest I was able to have a great sexual connection with The Man I Adore mid-morning.

It was a full weekend where I especially enjoyed my friends in beautiful close ways. I don't have that expectation, and it would have been good even without sex, but it sure was nice, and I'm open to it happening again!

everyone's got their story

Everyone's got their story, the story that goes on inside their head.

Last night I had a phenomenal several hours with Sensual Vocal Midwest Dad. We went upstairs and explored a variety of positions and holds on the couch and the carpet. After we both orgasmed we spent possibly an equal amount of time holding and getting acquainted in conversation. He's sexy slender, I'm totally into him. He mentioned having felt self-conscious growing up, and not wanting to take his shirt off back then, feeling uncomfortable with his body. Wow, I think. The sight of him turns me on, as I'm sure to many other guys. I'm glad to see that he feels differently now.

He mentioned that a couple of years ago he wouldn't have approached someone like me. Ha, I think, someone like me? I'm slightly flattered, but also amused because the story inside my head is quite different. The story of my childhood still speaks loudly, though its being replaced. I think of myself as the fat boy, the one who couldn't do very many sit-ups and could barely run the mile. The one who weighed 50 pounds more than I do now as a teenager, and one who still now has to watch carefully what I eat most of the time since I gain weight so easily. I now really enjoy being in shape and doing my best to feel sexy. It's a work in progress. But the old story in my head is not far away.

One of my close friends has a beautiful body with a nice ass and coveted-by-many cock. He knows this brings attention from many guys, but feels otherwise inadequate. I'm not sure exactly what the story in his head is, but I'm often surprised at his shyness and statements he makes about himself.

On a recent trip to Argentina at a posh gay hotel I sat at the poolside admiring, among others, a "perfect" dark-haired tall guy in a red speedo. His face was beautiful, his muscles supple, skin bronzed. A ballsy muscley friend went up and talked to him, sat next to him. When I went up and spoke with them I was surprised to encounter Mr. Red Speedo Greek God as a shy French-accented cutie. The story in his head probably ran something like: "I'm not good enough. Damn I'm nervous. I wish I felt more confident." I had assumed that what I perceived as his outer perfection might equate with confidence or even arrogance. Neither was the case. Possibly as a kid he was different from now, judging himself as "too... this - or - that." Now even though he's made himself into a picture of fitness, the old tapes still likely play in his head. Who knows. But I assume he hasn't yet made the transition into being his own best self-mentor. Benevolent self-respecting tapes - or messages - in his head are still being re-written - hopefully.

And a swimmer roommate of mine a few years ago, despite his beauty, re-played often in his head his supposed physical imperfections. He commented on various features of his which he thought disqualified him from being beautiful. Most gay guys looking at him would have disagreed.

Everyone's got their story. I try to remember this as I approach guys. It helps me not be so nervous. It teaches me, if I am to influence others, to start with myself and be my own best champion. To let my own internal dialogue be honoring and blessing. And from that grounded place be honoring and blessing to others. Maybe if he sees through my eyes his greatness, he can - on his own - see it too.