emotional deposits

Problem. So one of my close friends, we'll call him Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, for now, is stressing me out again. We've been intense friends for waxing and waning periods for a few years now.

This last month I lent him something important. Drove it to him. Now that I want it back, he wants me to come pick it up! No offer to meet me half-way, or return it. So he got the lent object, the home-delivery, and now if I want it back I need to go pick it up myself? I'm feeling kinda stretched on this relationship at the moment. Like it's all one-way.

Enter: new concept. Let's compare a relationship / friendship to a bank account. (This idea I first heard from Steven Covey years ago.) Each party makes deposits or withdrawals. Deposits might be kind things for the other party, gifts, time, need fulfillment, good sex, pluses in general. Withdrawals might be corrections, absences, negative feedback, tantrums, or other stressful events to the relationship. Optimally there are so many emotional deposits that the "relational account" is full, so when a withdrawal happens, the account doesn't suffer significantly. On the other hand, if people make too many "withdrawals," without making deposits, soon the relational account will be empty, bankrupt, or even over.

This analogy is not perfect, but it DOES point to some helpful patterns. My friend, Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, has made alot of withdrawals recently to our friendship, and I'm judging our account to be pretty low at the moment. I'll share this with him.

On the positive side, this analogy has been hugely helpful with my partner: Man I Adore and Get Weepy For. Daily he does adorable things for me. Like two-line "I love you" notes, breakfast of oatmeal and eggs, groceries he knows I like, washing the dishes, making a meal, holding me and listening. So the occassional stressful thing I easily overlook because I see the balance. He has my heart. A long time ago. I think he's piling up years of "wealth," with no expectation of return, mostly because he's a loving person. I consciously do the same for him, randomly offering a post-work massage, leaving a note, placing flowers on the kitchen counter or his side of the bathroom sink, waking him up in the middle of the night with a blow job, getting tickets for a date together. We try to be creative and consistent.

Our "nest egg" relationally is quite sizable and provides us a stability and ease.

Emotional deposits. How is your balance doing?