couple help

Two guy friends of ours are having marital troubles. They've been together for as long as I've known them, which is several years, and are still in their 20's. They used to be among the most connected people I know. I attended their wedding - amazing, call my own honey sweet things that I heard them say first, and have enjoyed their company and exemplary intimacy.

I'd hoped that they'd be together forever, but now that's looking doubtful. For the last couple years there's been this jealousy and moodiness that wasn't there before. They were pioneering (for me) in polyamory, intentional community, and several other things. And now they're sleeping in separate rooms.

If I could tell them anything in the world, from my perspective, knowing them, it would be this:

1. keep flirting!
2. bless him!

Let me explain:

1. Keep flirting with your husband. You flirt with others, so you can with him. What I mean by this is keep saying sweet things, texting him, taking him out on dates, being excited to see him. If you don't feel it, do it, and the feeling will likely come. If you feel all lovey, well show it to him too. Be creative, keep winning him over, not taking him for granted. Just because you've been together for years doesn't mean you still don't try to be your best for him.

If he says, "sweets, I feel like you don't want to have sex with me anymore," for hell's sake don't respond, "well I don't"! Take the bigger picture. He's vulnerable and expressing a very intimate feeling of inadequacy. Ask him instead, "what can I do to let you know I want to have sex with you?" or "the feeling changes from time to time, I think that's natural, but I do love you and want you." Reassure him.

A lot of people say nasty shit behind the veneer of "honesty." You don't have to be so "honest" sometimes that you're rude and unsophisticated. Words are hard to take back. Keep judgments minimal, and talk more about feelings and wants.

This leads to the second:

2. Bless him. Be the bigger one. Put on some grandfather archetypal energy. (Even the toddler, from his high-chair, sometimes reaches out and hugs his weeping mother, for example.) Support him and don't react sometimes.

If he's hurting, hold him for a few minutes. If you're both hurting, support yourself as best as you can, then shelf it for a bit, and be there for him. Somebody's got to start it. Then later he can reciprocate.

• Say the words he needs to hear.
• Do the things he really wants done.
• Connect in the way he wants to connect.
• Bless him in the ways that mean the most to him.

(For me, some of them are:

• touching me on the head,
• using a couple of sweet pet-names that we have [I can't believe I'm disclosing this, lol],
• putting both hands on my shoulders and saying, "hey, I'm here for you,"
• holding me from above me - not below me,
• coming and sitting next to me - touching lightly).

No amount of anger, withdrawnness, feeling butt-hurt, can't be eventually worked through. Nearly everyone needs reassured. When it comes to partners, usually frequently.

sex, boredom,& lovers

 

I recently chatted with a couple of men who I met through this blog who again confirmed what I have been finding: that many longer-term partners, regardless of love, have less sex after a few years together. That's less often and less involved (for example, less intercourse than before). Usually radically less often.

Frankly, it's a concept I'm having difficulty wrapping my mind around. Usually I hear one partner wishing for more, and the other resisting. It's not a trend I want to follow, not if I can do anything about it.

One man, I'll call him beautiful eyes dual-continent skyper, says it's been less than a handful of times in the last five years with his partner. I asked him when it had slowed. He held up his hand with the wedding band on it, "when this came on."

Another man, I'll call him masturbation ritual champion, told me that he and his man don't have much intercourse anymore. They used to fuck nearly every day, now it's about monthly. Mostly it's jacking off and cuddling. He mentioned how connected he feels in intercourse.

Both of these men adore their partners and have no intention of leaving them. They were very clear on this.

The second guy referenced the book The Male Couple, which based on interviews, found that after 6 years none of the couples were monogamous, reportedly evidence for the "boredom factor" - which then supposedly leads to seeking sexual contact with new guys, as both of my new friends (and I) do. He also said he thought it's part of a declining-sex-with-partners-phenomena. "There's no expectation of learning anything new..."

I admit that there is a certain familiarity with a partner, okay, sometimes boredom might creep in. But this is no excuse for not changing it up, learning to communicate, and learning to give to each other. I also reject, for me, that I won't be learning or doing anything new with my partner. There are a million ways to get creative, to learn new things. Communication especially. And non-monogamy has been my ideal since I was 15, not tied to boredom.

From talking to the yearning partners, it seems to me that it is more a break-down in communication - on something that is really important - physical intimacy between partners - than anything else.

In my ideal world the bulk of my "sex diet" would be with my partner(s). Yes, I love sex with others. The newness is exciting, it's a different experience. In fact, in the last little while it's been from 2-4 times a month with someone else in person. Still it's exactly the familiarity and love with my partner that makes physical union with him - the man I've chosen to spend my life with - something pretty damn special. At times a whole different level of magic.

I refuse to let him off the hook at this point :). No pun intended, but it certainly fits here. I need that connection with him. Like I've said before, it doesn't have to be ejaculation or penetration, but it does have to be closeness, for me at least.

To many couples I thought were indestructible, no sex between them eventually became a red flag for one or both of them. Some have separated.

Other couples we know get by on less. Still, one partner usually cites this as less than ideal. And I suspect if you asked them each, they might agree.

A common statistic does not have to be pre-destiny!

like a child

I want to learn to rebound from an argument more like a child or a puppy: as soon as the grievance is removed, I am that happy connected being again. My tendency as an adult is to hold on to reserve for a while after.

While this may have served me well up until now, and protected me as a child in the unique circumstances of my upbringing, it no longer serves me with my partner. It may serve me for an occasional tyrant boss, but not for most co-workers and friends. I see that most people rebound quickly. I want to do the same. Energetically let go. Resume the ease of friendship. Smile easily - sincerely.

connection communication

The quality of our connection with others
depends on the quality of communication.

from Ph86 on dudes nude, with his permission

In my relationship I am often reminded of my inadequacy in communicating. At times I have skill, other times I'm at rope's end, feeling flustered and skill-less. My latest resource is the movement around non-violent communication - empathy specifically. I got the above written gem this morning looking at local nvc workshops.

sex or no sex

Would I live in a relationship with no sex?

No.

Minimal and infrequent sex?

Nope.

Under extenuating circumstances: severe illness, disability, extreme occurrence, I’d stick with my partner(s).

I know of many couples, accomplished and brilliant friends, who nonetheless have sex only a handful of times per year. I couldn't do it. I won't do it.

I think it also is every person's opportunity to stand up for what they will and will not have. Even with your partner(s) who you love dearly. This means that you'd be willing to leave them under certain circumstances. Or change the agreements under which you live and relate.

Sex with others is no substitute for close intimacy between partners. It doesn't have to be penetration and ejaculation each time. There are hundreds of ways to be close, physical, and spin that magical web that bonds us. The nature of it changes somewhat with age I imagine, as to specific acts, but people of all ages can be intimate, feel good together, and be physical. I imagine sex even in my 90’s, even if it looks a bit different than now.

Sex is an important part of intimacy and connecting and loving. It is a parallel of many other realms. Physical union between long-time partners is a bit different than short-term partners. I'm still figuring that one out. Loving it. And learning what are negotiables and non-negotiables.

feeling like it

Ever not feel like it? Sometimes I don’t feel like being sexual, or kissing, or cooking, or talking, or listening. What do I do then? Sometimes I do it anyways. The end result for a relationship can be remarkable. It’s a gift to my partner(s).

Sometimes it’s late at night, and I’m tired. I don’t feel like kissing. But if I sense that he does, I go with it. Linger a bit longer. Because I love him, and know that he’ll feel loved by me. Bonus: the feeling often kicks in. Action sometimes precedes the feeling. A couple of spare minutes can go a long way.

Another time I might be getting home from work frazzled and ungrounded. But he’s excited to tell me something about his day. I can listen for a couple of minutes and take joy in his joy. I might not be able to give him 20 minutes of listening right then, but I can do a couple of minutes, even when I’m not feeling it, before I head over to take a shower and unwind. Because I love him.

Maybe I don’t feel like cuddling and having sex at all times. But if he crawls into bed and wraps his arms around me, puts his groin up to my ass, suddenly I feel like it a bit more. On those occasions when I’m still not feeling it, I allow it because he’s my man. I want to encourage him. I want him to encourage me when the tables are reversed.

Say I decide to hook up with someone from online. I turn off my computer and start getting ready to head over to his place. But somewhere along the way my libido decreases and I don’t feel like it. Do I cancel the hook up or dog him (not show up)? My take is no. I said I was going to. For me there’s often a period on the way there, whether it be to a hook up, the dance floor, or to a new social experience, where my feelings aren’t matching the direction my body is going. But because I gave my word, I go, and 95% of the time I have a marvelous time, and I’m glad that I went. If I wasn’t going to go, then I don’t say that I’m going to go.

My point is that we do things we don’t feel like doing sometimes. We treat people kindly (everyone, not just our life partner-s), keep our word, and give of ourselves even when we don’t feel like it every minute. Sometimes even sex starts without a strong feeling. A gift, a little leap. The feeling usually follows!

It is my expectation too that when someone says they'll do something, they'll follow through, even if the don't - every minute - feel like it.

sweet nothings

When we first got together I was incredulous. He'd say sweet things to me as we lay in bed at night going to sleep. He tired and sleepy. It happened several nights. The comments were so direct and exactly what I - or any man - would love to hear. So perfect that I doubted them. Like "I'm so happy to be with you. You're so special to me. I'm so attracted to you." Or I discounted them somewhat because he was tired and going to sleep - in that semi-conscious state.

 

He'd doze off. Then awake with another sweet nothing. Then doze off again, then stir to say something incredibly sweet again. Waking me gently.

 

Two years later, these moments are some of my most cherished. These moments don't come always in the day. There can be a few days in between when we are stressed, or working separate shifts. But 90% of the time, I can count on this bedtime ritual. And always a goodnight kiss.

I accept them. Let them in. Count myself very fortunate that my love's last words while he's sleepy are not cross or cranky words, but by default praises and word gifts.
 

These sweet nothings...

are more appropriately named to me...

sweet everythings. 

bless me

What does blessing look like specifically for lovers?

This is the kind of post that's a bit scary, because it's vulnerable. But the kind I want to be writing.

The other day I was feeling down. Withdrawn really. Needy. Insecure. I could blame it on being post-surgery, or a situation at work, or the misunderstanding we shared the night before. Whatever the cause, I was feeling sad.

Well so was my partner. So there we were, both of us, feeling needy. It usually doesn't coincide. This time it did.

In a situation like this, who's going to step up to the plate first? Reach out first and embrace? Take a deep breath and put big-boy pants on, and comfort the other? Putting his own needs on hold for a bit? It can be mutual, but somebody's got to start it.

The thing is, I think I do alot of that. Or so goes the story in my head. I'm often the one who reaches out and puts my hand on his shoulders. Or faces him in an embrace and just connects close. Or puts my leg or arm over him as he falls asleep, protector-like. Or cuddles his head under mine on the couch. 

So this time I was waiting for him to. Making space for his blessor to step up. It's hard not being the first one to rush in to make it okay. Just just step back and let him grow. Us grow. The morning went by quietly. We were preparing for guests. Then the middle of the day passed. And an hour before they arrived, he came and got me and held me in front of him gently. Tentatively at first. His hands on my hips. He looked at me and told me how much he appreciated the things I was doing. He specifically named some of them. I thanked him and told him that was exactly what I needed to hear. Music to my ears. He moved his hands up and cupped my head. A shift was occurring. He named several qualities in me that he adored. Often I/we reciprocate. But this time I just soaked it in. And received it. Boy it felt good. Deeply.

He blessed me. Whatever that word means - like a king in a tiny ritual honoring his subjects. It was exactly what I needed. We both felt good and connected again. I am so grateful for this man.

- - - - - - - -

What does this blessor energy look like for me?

• It looks like the head being touched - in a giving way.
• A hand on a shoulder.
• Praising specifically. Data - not judgement. For example, "I see you did all the laundry, thank you," instead of, "I see you're on top of it, thank you."
• Seeing me.
• Slowing down and touch.
• Confident giving hands.

Many other things can have a kingly bestowing energy too. Cradling a cock. Putting a pillow under his head. During sex but also while watching a movie. Holding his side with firm giving hands. Lines blur between sex and the everyday living and the magical and ordinary. Smiling eyes which speak approval and delight. There is more, but that's the energy. That's the energy that makes a relationship work, a friend esteemed. Or the world go round. (lol)

- - - - - - - -

A few years ago I was at a men's weekend, an initiation-type weekend with traces of ancient broodings and marvel. These were mostly straight men, but nonetheless emotionally open, supportive. The weekend was coming to a close, and I was still grieving a previous piece. Attempting to receive closure, and beginning to be aware of my need to be held at times, I sought the embrace of  four different men. The first three were what I had in my mind initially as kingly, or able to give that energy: broad shoulders, masculine, smart, deep stately words. Nope. I was wrong. Their hugs were empty, going-through-the-motions, trite almost. Then I went to the man with the highest voice, the bleached colored hair, on his cane like a cartoon. The one I had judged and not gone to at first. One of the only openly and flamboyantly older gay men among about 70 of us. The embrace I received from this last man was like coming down to the bosom of the earth! He held me, aware of his power, sacredly grounded. Both of our eyes moistened. Time a mystery. When I let go I was complete. Full.

That is when I started to learn the power of that energy. And to not judge a man always by his outside. That there were many things I could not see, and sense, without first listening and perceiving. In this case being blessed. I and everyone have the power to cultivate this fire.

- - - - - - - -

Honoring and lifting comes in a lot of ways. It's less in the gesture and more in the intention. The gestures can be coached. The intentions are spoken quietly in the heart and mostly felt.

reassure him

We recently tried an exercise from the book Ethical Sluts. The two female authors suggest sitting together or separately with your intimate partner and writing a list of 10 things he can do to reassure you. These need to be behaviors, not emotions. For example, to say, "Love me more," is difficult to meet concretely, but "hold my hand" is an observable behavior. When done, share the list with each other.

Here are a few examples.
1. Touch me often.
2. Leave me a note.
3. Send me a text when I'm at work.
4. Snuggle with me for 5 minutes at night in bed.
5. Sit next to me.

6. Do the dishes.
7. Talk about our future together.
8. Do the laundry.
9. Prepare food for us.
10. Call me a sweet name, like love, or hon.

Yes, this requires some personal vulnerability. That's intimacy. It can be heavenly if you do it. This is not a demand list. But it sure helps to know how to reassure your partner.

shadow



Our friend Wiz Even-Keeled Sexy Man
at Burning Man.

A shadow is defined in dictionary.com as: 1. a dark image or shape cast on a surface by the interception of light rays by a body, 9. an inseparable companion, 12. (in Jungian psychology) the archetype that represents man's animal ancestors. 

Yet another school of thought defines shadow as: those parts of oneself that one does not always see clearly.

This weekend I had the opportunity to host a person dear to me, and I ended up making her cry. Let's call her Beautiful Brown-Eyed Triathlete. It's since caused me alot of thought. And sickness to my stomach. Damn I can be gruff sometimes.

animal names

A few years ago I attended an experiential men's training. In one guided visualization I saw clearly a deer. That has since been my animal name. I also saw what I later learned was my shadow animal: black bear.

running deer 

Characteristics of the deer to which I feel some affinity: gentle, wide-eyed, alert, timid, highly sensitive to changing energies - for safety and survival, free, groupie, quiet, earthy, ancestral, magical.

black bear

Characteristics of the bear to which I feel some affinity when in my shadow energy, which often surprise me: fierce, unpredictable, ready to swipe out an enemy - real or perceived, loner, lumbering, withdrawing into a dark cave to hibernate, destructive.


In this dualism I am at times bewhildered. Rejecting the shaming of Western religions, I still recognize though that my body feels misaligned when I have acted ungracefully towards my relations. That my actions have not been congruent with my life mission. I try to be gentle with myself. Yet see things cleary. Now I am left to do the work of sorting out how I will do things differently next time. To put back in union the loves which are dear to me. To await the hopeful forgiveness. And to be forgiving when others act like a lumbering black bear - including myself.

The deer and the bear need loved.

 

pictures near Death Valley, California

wounding

I wound you.
You wound me.

And yet I'd have it no other way.

Sometimes that's life. Whether its our co-workers or our intimates.
Life isn't pretty and all planned out.
It can be sloppy and unintentional.

Communication at times messy.
More art than science.

From many encounters
I walk away wishing...
I'd said or listened slightly differently.

No reason to beat myself up, or him
Just be patient
And do it again next time
With the little wisdom
I learned
This go around

emotional deposits

Problem. So one of my close friends, we'll call him Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, for now, is stressing me out again. We've been intense friends for waxing and waning periods for a few years now.

This last month I lent him something important. Drove it to him. Now that I want it back, he wants me to come pick it up! No offer to meet me half-way, or return it. So he got the lent object, the home-delivery, and now if I want it back I need to go pick it up myself? I'm feeling kinda stretched on this relationship at the moment. Like it's all one-way.

Enter: new concept. Let's compare a relationship / friendship to a bank account. (This idea I first heard from Steven Covey years ago.) Each party makes deposits or withdrawals. Deposits might be kind things for the other party, gifts, time, need fulfillment, good sex, pluses in general. Withdrawals might be corrections, absences, negative feedback, tantrums, or other stressful events to the relationship. Optimally there are so many emotional deposits that the "relational account" is full, so when a withdrawal happens, the account doesn't suffer significantly. On the other hand, if people make too many "withdrawals," without making deposits, soon the relational account will be empty, bankrupt, or even over.

This analogy is not perfect, but it DOES point to some helpful patterns. My friend, Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, has made alot of withdrawals recently to our friendship, and I'm judging our account to be pretty low at the moment. I'll share this with him.

On the positive side, this analogy has been hugely helpful with my partner: Man I Adore and Get Weepy For. Daily he does adorable things for me. Like two-line "I love you" notes, breakfast of oatmeal and eggs, groceries he knows I like, washing the dishes, making a meal, holding me and listening. So the occassional stressful thing I easily overlook because I see the balance. He has my heart. A long time ago. I think he's piling up years of "wealth," with no expectation of return, mostly because he's a loving person. I consciously do the same for him, randomly offering a post-work massage, leaving a note, placing flowers on the kitchen counter or his side of the bathroom sink, waking him up in the middle of the night with a blow job, getting tickets for a date together. We try to be creative and consistent.

Our "nest egg" relationally is quite sizable and provides us a stability and ease.

Emotional deposits. How is your balance doing?

why I love him

at night his breathe I hear

soft rustle pattern

innocent my babe

his smooth shaven skin

sometimes in day

I catch him looking at me

or feel his glaze

on my back

and know he's loving

and admiring me

my tall broad-shouldered prince

is more than I imagined

I never thought

life would be this good

it keeps getting better

hell ya

it gets better

beyond my sweetest dream

the thought of him

melts me

chokes me

catches my throat 

I won't lie

sometimes I'm furious too

and I can't believe

that he didn't see it

or that he forgot

or whatever

sometimes I don't know

why I'm mad

or sad

or withdrawn

or snappy

or in love 

and still

he's at my side

sees me

sits beside me

on our second date

we decided

that if we got together

we wouldn't break up

over parking spaces

or toilet-paper brands

or silly little things

however attached

we'd grown

up to now

some things are more important

we decided

we want eachother

more than little things 

part of me can't explain

why I love him

as if he has to do something

to merit it

as if actions

are more important than being

part of it's because

I was born to love

as was he

and are you

to feel bonded 

my heart rate rise

when I sit on a plane

miles away

and draw up his image

holy in my heart

when we grow old

when his broad shoulders droop

smooth skin wrinkles

beautiful thighs thin

I think I'll love him more

us golden beings

still holding hands

deeper connected now

calmer

less rushed

centered

blessors

our bed

still a place of magic

our nest our repose

he still loving to me

I still loving him

listening

putting up with

tolerating

celebrating

he deserves the very best

in him a golden child

an ancient divine

that commands my respect

my adoration

my love

I think I'll sit with that question

take a lifetime

to explore it

man I love him

my beautiful life with him

Yesterday I woke up mid-morning, like I do when I work late. I put on some boxers and was about to go upstairs to connect with The Man I Adore, with whom I have the good fortune of being partnered. He'd heard my footsteps and come down. We greeted and kissed. I told him I wanted to spend some time together with him. Could we cuddle under the covers? - our bed wasn't made yet.

We crawled in and spooned and talked. Changed positions a couple times. Caught up from the weekend since I'd been gone one night, and our work schedules kept us apart for a couple days. One of the things I like about Him is that he expresses love and affection daily, especially if we're horizontal. But also all the time. Words get to my heart, and I have found someone whom I can gift my love too. We expressed love and gratitude for eachother, and then the energy shifted to a powerful sensation originating in the groin, running up and down the body from there. The making out picked up the new vibe. I remain conscious of not letting this new energy take over and become urgency. Of riding it and remaining communicative, and letting this delicious physicality bring us closer, not just turn inward into greediness. Staying present to Him.

I took his clothes off and my boxers off, which delighted him. Our boners are at high attention. And seeing his only excites me more. I crawl on top of him and descend into his open arms. It's like coming home. The rythms get going gently. I grab the lube at the bedside table and put on both of our cocks. This always excites him even more. My or his hand hold our cocks as we pseudo-fuck, slightly altering leg and arm holds frequently.

We stay in touch with our eyes, whispering sweet gratitude truths, kissing often. We've consciously decided to be awake to eachother, and also to enjoy sex from the perspective of abundance - that it's always available, it's not going to run out, there is no hurry or scarcity. Release expectations and delight in what's unfolding.

I have him in a wrestling-pin-like position under me and hump him until I cum. His hand holding my cock warmly. We penetrate less often than other couples I think. I take him to completion with my hand - and kissing - shortly. Then we throw a little towel between us to soak up the yummyness on our abs, and relax in eachother's embrace. This is as amazing as the pre-ejaculation eagerness and the orgasm. Gentle talking and moments of silence intersperse. I lay listening to his heart. Man I love Him.

We get up, I exercise while he cooks - in the same big room. We enjoy listening to pandora's selection of musicals, we're going to one later this week. We eat a delicious lunch he's made, and I'm off to work. He's sitting at the edge of the bed, and after putting on my socks, I kneel to tell him my truth: I have such a dream life with him. Its better than any dream I could have invented. A goodbye kiss. He sends me away with food for my shift, and when I open it later at work I'm flooded with warmness for Him.

Really, what a beautiful life I have with The Man I Adore.

he looking at me

A while ago I was jogging with Bearded Sexy Hiker. We were discussing how to deal with having told your partner a million times not to do something - and they're still doing it. And how to get over it. Mine was asking my partner to get his clothes ready the night before - and leave them in the bathroom to get dressed there. We sometimes have different schedules, and I need my sleep. But at the time he continued to come in and out of the bedroom getting dressed, getting things, waking me multiple times.

I explained how frustrated I was. I explained how many times I'd told my partner.

My new observant friend made an observation that softened my heart. He said, "knowing K, he's probably going into the bedroom and getting dressed watching you, appreciating you. He likely just wants to be near you." In an instant I pictured my Love standing there looking at me sleeping, adoring me, and my heart melted. He likely was doing that. Knowing him, and his heart, and where his eyes go, I decided to appreciate him back, even if he woke me in the mornings.

My reminders nearly stopped. An occasional reminder was given gently and with loving gratitude for my deer-eyed sweet-heart. And then he started getting dressed in the bathroom, leaving me to sleep, only to come and kiss me goodbye on his way out to work. Man I'm a blessed man. But even if K hadn't done what I asked, my perspective changed as I viewed my partner as he really is - an adoring man free of malice and full of simple love. Not forgetful and uncaring. Just watching me gratefully and appreciating me. Simply. God I'm lucky.

And I'm lucky for intuitive friends like Bearded Sexy Hiker. Thank you.