bathhouses

ancient roman bath houses

I love bathhouses. And bathhouses are weird. At least the ones I've been to.

On the one hand I get to go whenever I feel like sex. I don't have to organize it. In my last city I organized a few orgies, and each of them took several hours of planning - from 20 to 40 hours - no kidding.

Would you rather do 20 hours of organizing or just drive downtown in 15 minutes?

A gay bathhouse - at least here - is a place where guys go looking for a sex directly. There are long dimly-lit hallways with scores of rooms that are rented, each with mirrors and streaming porn. There are also more common play areas, from simple couches, to shower areas, steam rooms, saunas, and rooms with equipment like slings and benches, or holes and cubbies.

Mostly its an impersonal place. For those of us who can see passed that, there are incredible moments of closeness to be had.

Sometimes I feel like a jerk in a bathhouse.

The rules of engagement are so different from the outside. In the outside world, if someone says hi, you say hello back, maybe smile and chit-chat. Here most communication is done non-verbally, at least at first.

erotic fountain in Pompeii

There are so many guys, and attraction only goes both ways with a certain percentage, that you communicate with your eyes one of two things: interest or disinterest. Admittedly snap-judgment. People get it generally. Occasionally there is that pushy guy who keeps trying to grab your junk, or whatever, and you have to tell him no directly. But the vast majority are gentlemen and respectful non-verbally.

The last time I went a new younger guy, possibly 70 lbs (32 kg) overweight, walked past me and started making conversation. On the outside world I'd have paused and conversed. Here, he was one of dozens of potential encounters, all sending out feelers, so I kept the answer short and kept walking. And I felt like a jerk.

Large numbers of people. Quick assessments. Uber-practical environments devoid of elegance.

I went on to find a friend I've met there before a handful of times before, passionate bisexual guy that loves to top, and we had a fucking amazing time.

I've heard that gay bathhouses in other countries, like some in Europe, have more social components. Some have a clothed café area, lockers for guests to stay overnight, well-lit and beautiful saunas and steam rooms, lobbies, and then the more directly sexual areas. I look forward to experiencing the variety and a fuller range of energies welcome.

I love gay bathhouses on the one hand. And at the same time they are social anomalies.

yesterday's self-shoot

Yesterday I took the time to take some photos. I was excited to use a new cell-phone mount for my tripod. All photos here are from my cell-phone camera. Plus, it was time to get some new pictures.

exploring the timer options,
various positions

hehe, trying out an older pose I used to do
a lot a few years ago,
for pictures more than in action

I often find it misleading in gay social networking sites for men to have photos that are several years old, with none that are current. So time to walk the talk.

I didn't like this lighting as much,
makes the skin seem so pale and lifeless,
but I suppose there are other elements.
I draped a dark blanket up on a door to experiment.  

This is also part of that "using my sexual energy for creative purposes" idea. I could sit there and waste time viewing profiles, which is my dark hole I get lost in. Or do something different and productive, still staying within the energy.

sporting different underwear,
before a satisfying happy ending

Wasting time is relative. Sometimes.

Boredom is relative. Depending on the person. I sat with my partner and looked at various sexual things online. Some interested me, some him, some neither of us, but obviously very interesting to their participants.

I enjoyed taking some new pictures.

what to do with all this sex energy?

yesterday's self-photo-shoot,
inspired by shares with dual-continent skyper

? ? ?  That's the answer.

But here are a few (9) attempts to answer that question...

• Don't judge it. Notice it. See with interest how it affects my life in various ways.
• Use it. It's a lot of energy. Sex energy can also be at the center of creation, connection, wildness, power, embodiment. Find additional ways to allow its flow. Like fire, it can be a force for both destruction and creation. I can be aware of this and try to influence it in conscious directions.

 

• Allow it time. Give it time in your day to manifest directly. Like a tyrant child, it can tantrum and side-ways communicate until it is heard. It too has its needs and wisdom. Really. Many of us are born with a tremendous energy in this realm. After it has been fully honored, remind it that there are other players in your life. Then move on.
• Increase penetration time. Yup. If you think about fucking all the time... when you fuck, don't be over it so fast! Studies show that the average penetration time for men is about 2 minutes. No wonder we go about thinking about it all the time! Maybe even look at the clock and go for 10 minutes, 30 minutes. If it's not penetration, it could be something else, like holding, frottage, hand grasping his cock, you decide.

 

• Be conscious of the time used that amps up sex energy - like online viewing, grindr-ing, etc. Notice how your body and presence feels. Is this what I want to be doing? Sometimes its okay, sometimes its not.
• Be creative: give it an outlet to flow, like writing a blog (that's part of why I do this blog), photographing, loving and connecting in ways that are satisfying to you, hopefully working in a way that aligns with your gifts and mission, drawing, rowing with a team, joining a gay swim league, dancing, attending certain events. The possibilities are infinite.

 

• If its something you love, find a way to do more of it, in ways that align with your other life values and commitments. Change things that need changing.
• Release rigid expectation. Take joy in a lot of different expressions. Don't be too set on one specific act, like bottoming, a certain partner, a certain location. Be willing to take enjoyment in the million other ways it could look, like non-penetrative fun, skyping, reading a diagrams book with your partner, your local masturbation club, volunteering. Adapt and find joy in a lot of expressions.

 

• Be in your body. A lot of us with high sex drive are very alive in our body. Join a circus class, yoga, drumming, ecstatic dance, run in the elements, swim, balance on the bars. Our body likes to feel alive and powerful. It likes new things. This is part of the rush we get in sex. It is also had in many ways. I think many men feel a subconscious need to use their bodies.

engage and dis-engage

to connect or to separate

At times I go over-board on social websites. Sex websites. Too much time, and I notice my energy changing. Then I have to pull back.

I heard on a radio interview that life can be a balancing act between going outward to connect, and then going inward to re-connect. Neither energy is wrong. Both are desirable.

One cannot always be in a constant state of connection with others. At one point, frequently, one has to dis-engage and re-coup. Be with oneself.

I found myself feeling high-strung and hyper-sexual in a way that felt ungrounded. This after higher-than-normal-for-me online presence on sex sites. Knowing that various other activities ground me, like playing my newfound ukulele, I decided to make a goal that I would practice my ukulele for an hour before viewing - for 10 minutes only. A goal I could stick with for one week.

The bonus of improving on the uke also had the intended calming effect. I felt more present to some of the other things and beings that are important.

Goals are written on a phone app (my current command center). I peruse it several times a day for lists and communications.

This week the goals are yoga stretches for 20 min and self-love poetry. Other weeks they've been gratitude recollections and what I call emotional blue-printing. Little course corrections.

enjoying a lake not far away

sex centrality

Some of us yearn for more intimacy than is usually available in modern routine lives. We are often separated by suburbs, spread-out neighborhoods requiring cars, prosperous multi-room houses, jobs in cubicles. Intimacy comes because of physical proximity, conversation, working together on projects, being vulnerable, taking a risk. Sexual intimacy is just one of many intimacies - a very central one.

Sex is at the heart of humanity.

Many of the world’s problems could be resolved by increasing our sexual introspective awareness and skill.

We’d communicate better.
We’d feel confident.
We’d be aware of our power.

We respect and honor others and ourselves.
We feel sexier (wild, alive!).
We have amazing connections.

A while ago I read The Sex Diaries Project by Adrianne Cohen, which inspired me to share some of my world of inner taboos. Much of society shrouds the subject of sex with silence. Worse yet, censorship, shame, judgment, or words like “dirty” and “nasty.”

I believe that pleasure is good. Beauty is to be celebrated. Our bodies and our own experiences are a source of truth.

This blog is somewhat like a journal, wild, uncensored, true, sacred, messy, brilliant, weird, exploratory, self mentor-like, and hopefully provides value.

I don’t yet fully identify myself here, but hope to do so at some time. Identifying details of other individuals are omitted or changed, unless someone wishes otherwise, in a world still opening up. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived on a planet where people talked about the things that are central to them openly, without fear of backlash, hearing the experiences of others too and gaining insight?

two shadows

I have two default behaviors which I sometimes do unconsciously. Sometimes they are destructive. Other times they are creative. I've recently become more aware of them. Being in a relationship provides an excellent mirror to see them (these "shadow" behaviors).

1. The corrector and tidy-upper guy.

2. The let's-pack-the-day-with-as-much-as-we-possibly-can guy.

The first one demonstrates by a generally clean house, laundry done impeccably, and attention to detail. As a nurse this is great, I remember the medications, the million details and orders involved in care, the teaching, etc. But as a partner especially I can be a word-monger, taking exception to poorly-worded responses, coming off as over-critical and judgmental. This energy also dislikes loose ends in conversations.

See the problem? This guy can alienate the people he loves most - among them his darling partner. This energy has its place, and I honor it. But it's best if I'm conscious about it, and sometimes put it away.


The second energy is obviously useful from a get-things-done perspective. But where it bites me in the butt the most with my partner is coming late or just on time to an event. It stresses him out tremendously. His default behavior is to arrive early to everything to mitigate anxiety. I contribute to him feeling frazzled. (Meanwhile, in my reality, I'm glorying in the fact that I squeezed in one more to-do, but aware that I stressed my man.) So I try to adapt. Drop a to-do item and get there early. Even if it means sitting there for me.

It's my new and chosen reality.

A shadow, in this reference, is a behavior that is often done unconsciously. Better to try to become conscious of it.

crossing over

 

every night

I cross over

to where motorcycles rev
vroom vrrrooooom

wild men in tubs
faces peering up
out of water

purple baby hippos
walk dainty
under river's edge

here nothing makes sense
carrots big as people

but it is free
colors alive
free from rules
unenslaved to imagine
just be

just because
it's pretty
just because
it's been on my mind
in the day

my subconscious
or the great conscious
ness

manifests its wild erratic
reeling
sensual
emotional
self

here it's okay
to dream
and not make sense

or make a lot of sense

connect with mystery
unexplained
motifs and wisdoms
some recurring

still hidden meaning when I awake
somehow better

homeostasis
achieved
churned and stirred
freshened

perhaps this daily crossing over
prepares me
for that night
I make
my final crossing over
(at least
that's how it's framed
here)

no effort of my own
common journey

today at work
I talked to a family
about dying
planning
looking to

then on break
went to my car
to mini-slumber
crossed over
and back again

then at home
in my tub
too

a few times
reveling in that in-between space
every time magic

conscious of the images
delights
no conjuring of my own

under water
above water

awake world
dream reality

man I love to cross over

 

like a child

I want to learn to rebound from an argument more like a child or a puppy: as soon as the grievance is removed, I am that happy connected being again. My tendency as an adult is to hold on to reserve for a while after.

While this may have served me well up until now, and protected me as a child in the unique circumstances of my upbringing, it no longer serves me with my partner. It may serve me for an occasional tyrant boss, but not for most co-workers and friends. I see that most people rebound quickly. I want to do the same. Energetically let go. Resume the ease of friendship. Smile easily - sincerely.

connection communication

The quality of our connection with others
depends on the quality of communication.

from Ph86 on dudes nude, with his permission

In my relationship I am often reminded of my inadequacy in communicating. At times I have skill, other times I'm at rope's end, feeling flustered and skill-less. My latest resource is the movement around non-violent communication - empathy specifically. I got the above written gem this morning looking at local nvc workshops.

sex bucket list

Shiva-like goddess with phalluses

Have some things you'd like to try sexually?
Some of mine:

1. have sex with a woman - preferably a friend
2. use chest harnesses (for us guys) in intercourse

3. give a sex workshop - actually doing it, with learners experientially involved
4. submit a video for the local amateur porn festival

5. produce some outdoors group scenes
6. have a threesome with a hot male-female couple

7. live with at least one additional husband - successfully

sex or no sex

Would I live in a relationship with no sex?

No.

Minimal and infrequent sex?

Nope.

Under extenuating circumstances: severe illness, disability, extreme occurrence, I’d stick with my partner(s).

I know of many couples, accomplished and brilliant friends, who nonetheless have sex only a handful of times per year. I couldn't do it. I won't do it.

I think it also is every person's opportunity to stand up for what they will and will not have. Even with your partner(s) who you love dearly. This means that you'd be willing to leave them under certain circumstances. Or change the agreements under which you live and relate.

Sex with others is no substitute for close intimacy between partners. It doesn't have to be penetration and ejaculation each time. There are hundreds of ways to be close, physical, and spin that magical web that bonds us. The nature of it changes somewhat with age I imagine, as to specific acts, but people of all ages can be intimate, feel good together, and be physical. I imagine sex even in my 90’s, even if it looks a bit different than now.

Sex is an important part of intimacy and connecting and loving. It is a parallel of many other realms. Physical union between long-time partners is a bit different than short-term partners. I'm still figuring that one out. Loving it. And learning what are negotiables and non-negotiables.

feeling like it

Ever not feel like it? Sometimes I don’t feel like being sexual, or kissing, or cooking, or talking, or listening. What do I do then? Sometimes I do it anyways. The end result for a relationship can be remarkable. It’s a gift to my partner(s).

Sometimes it’s late at night, and I’m tired. I don’t feel like kissing. But if I sense that he does, I go with it. Linger a bit longer. Because I love him, and know that he’ll feel loved by me. Bonus: the feeling often kicks in. Action sometimes precedes the feeling. A couple of spare minutes can go a long way.

Another time I might be getting home from work frazzled and ungrounded. But he’s excited to tell me something about his day. I can listen for a couple of minutes and take joy in his joy. I might not be able to give him 20 minutes of listening right then, but I can do a couple of minutes, even when I’m not feeling it, before I head over to take a shower and unwind. Because I love him.

Maybe I don’t feel like cuddling and having sex at all times. But if he crawls into bed and wraps his arms around me, puts his groin up to my ass, suddenly I feel like it a bit more. On those occasions when I’m still not feeling it, I allow it because he’s my man. I want to encourage him. I want him to encourage me when the tables are reversed.

Say I decide to hook up with someone from online. I turn off my computer and start getting ready to head over to his place. But somewhere along the way my libido decreases and I don’t feel like it. Do I cancel the hook up or dog him (not show up)? My take is no. I said I was going to. For me there’s often a period on the way there, whether it be to a hook up, the dance floor, or to a new social experience, where my feelings aren’t matching the direction my body is going. But because I gave my word, I go, and 95% of the time I have a marvelous time, and I’m glad that I went. If I wasn’t going to go, then I don’t say that I’m going to go.

My point is that we do things we don’t feel like doing sometimes. We treat people kindly (everyone, not just our life partner-s), keep our word, and give of ourselves even when we don’t feel like it every minute. Sometimes even sex starts without a strong feeling. A gift, a little leap. The feeling usually follows!

It is my expectation too that when someone says they'll do something, they'll follow through, even if the don't - every minute - feel like it.

men who've killed

coming out of the water

Life provides the opportunity to meet some interesting people - including guys who have killed other people, usually in connection to being in the military.

This blog post might be too "taboo" for some readers. Or just too heavy. But it's something I've thought about, and something that faces many of our excellent men called upon to do this as part of their job. Not that I agree with all the wars. This is something that most of the people they encounter are unprepared to talk about or even listen to. So many ex-soldiers end up doing one of the worst things for their well-being: never talking to anyone about a subject that is HUGE to them.

I think I have this ability to allow people to open up. And I'm inquisitive and ask non-standard questions.

Let me put the most outrageous experience first. A while back ago I hooked up with someone on grindr while at the Grand Canyon. He had recently been in the military. Yummy crew haircut. We met late at night and he drove me to a beautiful look-out point. Yeah, kinda sounds like the start to a horror movie, but it was cool. We went to a bench, and under the stars had a pretty fleshy experience. We talked a bunch before and after. He opened up about he having had to kill people while in the service. Including running over children who would not step out of the way of their tanks - children put there by their parents, some of them with explosives. He wouldn't say how many he'd killed, but he did say that it was a lot. Men of the opposing army shooting at him mostly.

He talked about his job later as security for a store. And how he'd apprehended a young thief and brought him down to the ground, accidentally breaking his nose and creating a frightful bloody scene for the other shoppers. He explained that he'd been trained to kill, and had killed before, so scaling back his automatic techniques to just apprehending a person was taking some adaptive consciousness. Wow. I felt for him. And awed at the variety of our human experience.

Next is an international man I met at work. I first noticed him scoping me out in the break room. Smiley. Built. Always a little bit of attraction tension, but never did anything. Over months I got to know him and we'd google things about his country. Come to find out he'd served in his country's army and had also shot and killed invading soldiers. I asked him how he felt then, and now. He said that it was a part of his job, that all men his age were required to enlist, and that if he wouldn't have shot them, they would have shot him. (Notice he didn't say how he felt.) He seemed to have adapted, and had calming social skill and manner. I too felt safe around him.

I've met others too, and had the initmate experience of talking about this phenomena. Two other men I met through work. Conversed quietly and in confidence. How it's impacted their life. They've done remarkably well I marvel.

In another life as a missionary (another story for another time), I met with thousands of people in their homes. I can remember chills going up my spine as a woman talked of stabbing to death her abusive husband. The energy of that night came back into her eyes, the anger and single-mindedness, and while I was not afraid for my safety, I was creeped out, and wanted out.

A central-american gangster who had killed a few on the streets of L.A., and who loved talking to us. Another immigrant refugee who'd escaped with his life after taking many others. Mothers who had traveled to the U.S. illegally, been raped by their coyotes (name for their transporters) enroute, and witnessed crimes involving death.


The subject of death is one that I work with frequently. Whether it's a young man who's tried to kill himself, or a middle or older-aged person who's just been given a few more weeks to live with a terminal diagnosis, or the new man ordered to pull the trigger or keep driving, these magnificent people touch me. I think about them. There has to be a certain ability, among some, to speak about the unspeakable.

no sugar day 193

 

So it's been 193 days since I've not had any processed sugar. That equals about six and a half months. This means no candy, desserts, or foods with sugar or sugar cane in the ingredients list. This does not mean no fruits or carbs. Lately my partner's reading about carbs has influenced the both of us to eat less carbs, with good results for the both of us. Processed carbs in large amounts increase the inflammatory response of the body. We've also been influenced by some of the Paleo diet, which includes more meats and protein throughout the day.

Now the disclaimer: On a few days I've had sweets, whether because a host made it and gifts it, or because my inner sugar monster could not be kept caged. But I've subtracted those days from the total. Otherwise it would be a little over seven months total, something like 212 days. So technically the 193 days are not all-the-way consecutive. Still this heralds a significant shift for me.

It's confidence-building to go to work, see the boxes of krispy creme donuts, bins of chocolate and candy on the counters, sugary pastries at the coffee shop, and not have any. Of course food preparation - bringing nutritional and filling stuff from home - is an essential to successfully meeting the goal (365 days sugar free).

denied... wondering

Few times has my partner put off my sexual advances. But when he does, I have to remember just that, that he usually humors me. Comparatively I have it good. I know of couples who are our friends, competent accomplished guys who love each other, but only have sex three or four times a year. But they're starving for more. I'm fortunate that I'm only turned away by him three or four times a year. (So far, cross my fingers.)

I guess I'm one of those people that feels things deeply. So today it was the first thing on my mind. I fretted about him not wanting me anymore... and us falling apart... and me going and having sex with everyone but the man who I share my life with... about us living two separate trajectories... and all these worst-case-scenarios. Then I had to remind myself to look at the big picture, and put things in perspective. Most of the time it's marvelous. On the great majority of days I really do sense that he loves me and wants me. So not to let a day or two worry me about an overall path... and trust the general direction.

Interesting how it takes active self-mentoring to get me through a little crisis I've created in my head. Interesting that it works. "You're going to be okay." "You're strong and able to handle this." "He loves you." Trusting that.

A few days ago I'd planned on meeting with a sex-friend this afternoon, so we did. It was fucking hot, he's fucking hot, and he is very attracted to me. Amusingly so. It's flattering to be desired. At the same time, there is no substitute for good intimacy with one's partner(s).

Intimacy is alot more than just sex, but in its ideal manifestation, also includes sex a lot of the times. To me that's part of excellence and closeness. Sex to me at the moment means penetration or getting off somehow. I know in my head that sex could also mean non-erection sensuality, and many other things, but somehow when I think "I had sex with him" it usually involves one of the two mentioned.

arrogant bragging?

This blog puts some people off and attracts others. It's a space where I can write some of my thoughts about sex, intimacy, and experiences that in many circles are considered too taboo to speak about openly. Even though there is nothing non-consensual or illegal, or destructive or harming to others, some people have strong judgements based on their own morality.

It's a risk I take, wishing that the world would be more open about the things that are important to many, and things that we/I think about all the time anyway. Sex is a central part of who we are. Doing my part in breaking the censorship, hopefully making the world a safer place to talk about things. Encouraging others.

At times I might be construed as arrogant, boastful, shallow... for sharing some of my experiences. Seemingly bragging... or not taking seriously the special-ness of each person. Perhaps intimidating to some. Go figure.

I own that there is a part of me that wants to be "seen." In complete honesty, I own that there is a part of me that thinks he has his shit together. That part that says, "look at me, look at the way I'm doing things, watch and learn." There's a part of me that's a flirt. There's a part of me too that's insecure. Timid. Groping in the dark. Making things up as he goes along, and hoping to learn from others. There's a part of me too that was silent for a lot of years. And he isn't going to be silent any more.

On some days my partner does not understand my motivation to post. I don't claim to understand it entirely either. But I do understand that writing helps me unravel me... that the sharing of experiences is often beneficial... that personal truths matter... that my take helps others think about their take on things, and listen to what's going on in their body, in their truth... that not everyone is the same. And at the same time... we're all the same. I move forward despite the potential misunderstandings.

I've met some cool guys who've read parts of the blog. Got some feedback. And enjoyed the journey. Part of me doesn't want to forget. Heck, who wants to forget magic?

sweet nothings

When we first got together I was incredulous. He'd say sweet things to me as we lay in bed at night going to sleep. He tired and sleepy. It happened several nights. The comments were so direct and exactly what I - or any man - would love to hear. So perfect that I doubted them. Like "I'm so happy to be with you. You're so special to me. I'm so attracted to you." Or I discounted them somewhat because he was tired and going to sleep - in that semi-conscious state.

 

He'd doze off. Then awake with another sweet nothing. Then doze off again, then stir to say something incredibly sweet again. Waking me gently.

 

Two years later, these moments are some of my most cherished. These moments don't come always in the day. There can be a few days in between when we are stressed, or working separate shifts. But 90% of the time, I can count on this bedtime ritual. And always a goodnight kiss.

I accept them. Let them in. Count myself very fortunate that my love's last words while he's sleepy are not cross or cranky words, but by default praises and word gifts.
 

These sweet nothings...

are more appropriately named to me...

sweet everythings. 

after

geat drops of sweat dripped off my forehead

from on top him

I looked out the window

reveling

then back onto his body

treasure trail leading down

 

after

I walked

in crisp air

up the drizzly hill

refreshed

glad to be alive

glowing if I could

 

after

I think of my partner

read his text

asking where I am

I text tell him

worry creeping in

 

am I doing the wrong thing?

is he mad?

will he leave me?

 

after

I sometimes feel insecure

glad for this freedom

but

wondering if my man

who I adore

can handle my adventures

 

once

after

I withdrew

and he held me

with time I felt connected

again

 

he withdraws a bit

sometimes I have the energy

to go after him

and hold and make it alright

 

other times I don't

resent that he's withdrawing

and I'm withdrawing

and that I'm worrying

 

opportunity to grow

and bless

and put on the king

 

 

waking night

Many a single person dreams of laying next to a partner in bed at night. Never mind the sex. Just having another human being to lay next to. To hear their breath, and have them hear yours. To matter to another person. To share this life, in the wee hours of the night. That was and is my dream too.

I remind myself of that... this week when I was woken up 10-15 times in the night. Whether by snoring, turning over, a knee, a temperature change, a trip to the bathroom. I'd just been traveling a week on my own - sleeping like a content little piglet. Then returned to my sexy man, but am having to get adjusted again to two in the bed. In just a few nights its again only a handful of times that I'm awakened now. I asked him, and he said that it was an adjustment for him too again with me back. AND we're both so glad to be back in the same bed.

judging

Yesterday family were trying to push a bunch of candies on me. I declined. They insisted. And insisted. And insisted. I explained that I'm on day 151 of no sugar. Why? You're always on some weird food experiment. Why are you doing that? Well - I'm trying to reach 365 days without any processed sugar. I still do eat mango, and honey, and maple, etc. Why?...

They rolled their eyes. But you're so skinny. You don't need that. They were just getting started... so I stopped them with a silly cliché - don't judge me please! - and a little smile. They stopped. They saw what they were doing.

Instead they might have said, I'm concerned about... That's a novel idea... Have you considered...? Tell me more about... What is motivating you...?


Our modern society often teaches us to judge in our speech. "That's nice." "It's too much." "You're slow at that." "I hate it." "He's so smart." We label almost everything as "good" or "bad" (thank you judeo-christianity). In it's most violent forms it results in name-calling like: stupid, essentric, angel, stud, weirdo. Even with people at work I'm astounded. When modern people get angry, or react spontaneously, frequently the first thing out of their mouths is a judgement.

At the bottom of this is people's feelings, concerns, emotions. Why not say instead: I'm feeling... [sad, happy, jealous, angry, afraid...]. We're trained to speak judgements. But underneath of that mask are natural human wants and fears. I'd rather hear those!

Judgements tend to close and stop communication. So instead of passing out judgement, it might serve us to be open to hearing different viewpoints, hearing what is in people's hearts. We just might find out that other viewpoints are very much like the ones we have.