solosexual?

Hairy sensual friendly yogi came over socially. I enjoyed meeting him for several reasons. Frankly he's quite unique - as many people are, and I liked finding out a bit about his life journey.

First off it intrigued me that he considered himself a solosexual at some point. The urban dictionary online defines this as someone who likes to masturbate a lot, but has no desire to have sex with others. It's interesting that many of us experience sexuality across a spectrum. Our sexual tastes often change with time.

It seems that this was the case with our yogi solosexual. Now he's interested in some play with other guys. Despite his intense sexual presence and experience with himself, he's had limited mutual experience with others.

So I felt it quite a privilege to be a part of this unfolding. I enjoyed how he lightly kissed, his hairy legs and tummy, his perpetual hard cock, kind words, and him cumming repeatedly. Masturbating mutually. I'd love to see him again, whether sensually or not.

We also talked about a possible future HUMP video. Hump is a local amateur porn festival. I've attended the last two years and been amused by the wide variety and creativity of the selected participating short clips.



from an solo masturbator blog
called masturbation and cum denial,
another variation
- on excitement and non-ejaculation

furry

Recently a guy messaged me that said he was a furry, and also a cuddly pup. I looked it up online and got some fun definitions and images.

It seems that there are conventions, events, sexual fetishes of all sorts, and just a fun (and sometimes creepy) activities and interest groups.

 

 

The part that seems fun to me, beside the opportunity to be sexy in different ways, is the dressing up, and the different energy that comes on to someone when they are masked or costumed. Sometimes a shy person will become an animal :-). 

I can relate to a person becoming an animal - in a way.

on pussy

A lot of times us gay guys have some negative things to say about pussy. Visceral even.

Isn't there enough shaming already?

A very sexy girlfriend of mine noted that she'd heard plenty of it. She wondered if she'd be welcome at a food socializing event. She'd been many years to Burning Man, has several close gay friends, and it seems that few of them have filtered their remarks.

Seeing the Vagina Monologues - a series of monologues about women and their sexuality - impressed me immensely. I recommend it for everyone. What most stood out to me was the negative messaging from society: things like: dirty, fishy, smelly, hidden... the list goes on. It takes pioneering courage, even in this day, for many women to counter the messaging and replace it with healthier beliefs like: beautiful, attractive, desirable, glorious. Isn't that what we'd want for ourselves and our genitalia? For those of us who want kids, for our future daughters?

Even if you don't find the vagina personally attractive, cannot you agree on principle that women everywhere would be better served with praise and acceptance of who they are by birth? All of them. We, like many groups of people, know what it is to be marginalized or ostracized. Let's not perpetuate other people feeling shamed or weird about who they are.

Our girlfriends deserve our conscious support. In fact, celebration.

compersion video

Compersion is the act of experiencing joy when your partner is having joy, even sexual joy, with another. It is the opposite of jealousy.

Here's an interesting 3-minute video by National Geographic on polyamorous compersion.
Polyamory | National Geographic Channel: Meet a polyamorous triad - a family with two men and one woman sharing a loving relationship.

request vs. demand

"Suck it!" he said. Problem was, I wasn't really feeling it... nor the fact that he thought an order was acceptable. I respond very poorly to orders, and much better to requests, as I imagine most people do, sex or not. But being gracious whenever possible is also good, so I just smiled.

Sexual behavior is often demonstrative of some of our underlying beliefs. You can learn a lot about a person here.  And a person can learn a lot about life in this arena.

A request is a suggestion with an option to do or not. A demand insists in one outcome. A request and a demand might sound alike at first: "Sweetheart, will you wash the dishes in the sink?" If it's a demand, non-compliance results in punishment of some sort - maybe the silence treatment, no sex for you, whatever. A request makes itself known but does not insist on only one outcome.

Even when we get really comfortable with someone its still important to make requests and not demands. Some people call this non-violent communication. Making a request implies that we might not get what we want, or we may. It's still really worthwhile because at very least our partner (and self) know what we want!

good sex

good sex is more about feeling good than looking good

 

turn ons

A turn-on is defined in one dictionary as: something causing excitement or stimulating interest. I'd take it further. It's transitioning from one state of being to another. A different dimension.

5 turn-on ideas:

• allow plenty of time - start your date three hours early, out somewhere
• eat some very good chocolates and taste each other's lips
• fill up the tub with hot water, and both of you climb in to soak when he gets home

• prepare your environment - fancy sheets, candles, music
• massage gently with favorite oils, nice and slow... maybe with a blindfold or two

These are ideas and variations from the book Ethical Slut, which I've referenced before.

A lifetime or longer-term partner has a different feel in some ways than a shorter-term or one-time partner.

In exploratory exercises with your partner, languaging is important. Change your language, change your world. Instead of telling your partner, "turn me on," you might say, "let's find my turn-on," as well as visiting those known areas. It frees you both of alot of blame and responsibility, and frees you to enjoy.

asexual

At a clothing optional japanese hot tubs and massage place here in Santa Fe this weekend. Great place.

I would not have believed it until I met them in person. People who feel asexual. Not that they don't have intact genitalia, just that they don't feel sexual either hardly ever, or not at all. 

My most vivid experience was at a male-male committment ceremony in the wild. We camped for a few days as a little clan. There were a few gay couples and about an equal number of lesbian couples. And then a handful of us single folks. One sunny afternoon a couple of us wanted to go skinny dipping in a slow bend of a river. Me and a cool gal I'll call activist co-ed with glasses.

I delight in experiencing life fully and having new experiences, meeting new people. So I smiled inside as we undressed and waded into the water. We were already familiar, so I asked about various details of her proclaimed asexual existence. I believe her sincerity. She had a "boyfriend" who felt the same way. They occasionally cuddled, but both had never in their lives felt sexual desire. They met online - on sites for people like them who to varying degrees have their same experience.

At work I used to have a crush on stunning eyes hottie co-worker. I've been curious about his mysterious sexuality. He seems straight, but has rainbow stickers on personal paraphernalia. When I commented to him about the local amateur porn festival Hump, he said that his wife would love it, but that wasn't his kind of thing. It jived with several other details, and it occurred to me that he might be one of those real people in our midst who have naturally much less or no interest in sex. Very unlike myself, yet I can respect that. Whether my assessment is right or not, it helps me wrap my head around some people's mannerisms and conversations. It helps me meet them where they're at.

assuming blessor

panoramic of sun rising to bury receding shadows 

I'm writing this this morning because I'm having difficulty doing it. Sometimes I ease smoothly into this archetypal energy, other times I don't feel it at all, but call on its maturity. It can be especially helpful with a partner, as an influencer. Today I'm calling on it to soothe my own self.

a magical being lands for a moment - opening me to a quietness

sexual racism

We all have sexual preferences. I'm still surprised though by the rudeness around race I sometimes see in gay profiles.

Here's an excellent one-page read: http://www.sexualracismsux.com/

My main thing is this: Imagine how the other guy feels reading the print.

elevator activism

I stood holding hands with my man in the elvator. We approached a stop, and automatically both of us let go. A handsome middle-aged man walked in. We went up a few more floors... and here's the rapid succession of thoughts that zipped by in a few seconds...

I have lots of activist energy. Part of me wants to go rant in the streets, yell, wave my fist in the air, and confront something. Part of me wants to go stand on a busy street corner with my future hubby holding hands, letting people see. Maybe holding a sign. The state of Washington is having a voter referendum on gay marriage, and I want to help influence voters. Large numbers. I want to organize.

A wise older friend of ours, upon hearing me, introduced the concept of ''activism through normalization." He believes that most of our activism should not be yelling, and accusing, blaming, confronting, or even talking about gay issues. He believes that much of the best work is done by just being ourselves, loving partners, inviting people over to dinner, engaging with the mainstream as ourselves. He says ''they know," and they're already watching and thinking about it. His thoughts resonated with me and just felt right.

The last state I was in, Utah, in the last two months I was there, had four cases of physical violence against gay men. One was a ''curbing", where they put the young man's head on the street curb, and someone stomps on his head, breaking his jaw. I attended fundraisers for his hospital bills. I was outraged. Livid.

And here I am separating holding hands from my man on the elevator. Ironic.

So I said to myself: self, you've got all these grand activism ideas, and not alot of time to squeeze them in. How about you start with something simple and small... - like staying holding hands with your man - even on the elevator, when a cute middle-aged man - who is most likely straight - stands next to you. Be an activist by just being yourself. Don't hide. Take a risk, not just in front of a crowd, but in a quiet ordinary space.

By the time the bell dinged on the upper floor where we got out, I had decided. I'm now an elevator activist.

shadow



Our friend Wiz Even-Keeled Sexy Man
at Burning Man.

A shadow is defined in dictionary.com as: 1. a dark image or shape cast on a surface by the interception of light rays by a body, 9. an inseparable companion, 12. (in Jungian psychology) the archetype that represents man's animal ancestors. 

Yet another school of thought defines shadow as: those parts of oneself that one does not always see clearly.

This weekend I had the opportunity to host a person dear to me, and I ended up making her cry. Let's call her Beautiful Brown-Eyed Triathlete. It's since caused me alot of thought. And sickness to my stomach. Damn I can be gruff sometimes.

animal names

A few years ago I attended an experiential men's training. In one guided visualization I saw clearly a deer. That has since been my animal name. I also saw what I later learned was my shadow animal: black bear.

running deer 

Characteristics of the deer to which I feel some affinity: gentle, wide-eyed, alert, timid, highly sensitive to changing energies - for safety and survival, free, groupie, quiet, earthy, ancestral, magical.

black bear

Characteristics of the bear to which I feel some affinity when in my shadow energy, which often surprise me: fierce, unpredictable, ready to swipe out an enemy - real or perceived, loner, lumbering, withdrawing into a dark cave to hibernate, destructive.


In this dualism I am at times bewhildered. Rejecting the shaming of Western religions, I still recognize though that my body feels misaligned when I have acted ungracefully towards my relations. That my actions have not been congruent with my life mission. I try to be gentle with myself. Yet see things cleary. Now I am left to do the work of sorting out how I will do things differently next time. To put back in union the loves which are dear to me. To await the hopeful forgiveness. And to be forgiving when others act like a lumbering black bear - including myself.

The deer and the bear need loved.

 

pictures near Death Valley, California

body awareness

Effective self-nurturing often happens on the level of body awareness, so nice physical experiences - massages, hot baths, skin lotion, flannel pajamas - can give a sense of comfort and security even when your mind is anxious and your thoughts are a mess. 

- Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

emotional deposits

Problem. So one of my close friends, we'll call him Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, for now, is stressing me out again. We've been intense friends for waxing and waning periods for a few years now.

This last month I lent him something important. Drove it to him. Now that I want it back, he wants me to come pick it up! No offer to meet me half-way, or return it. So he got the lent object, the home-delivery, and now if I want it back I need to go pick it up myself? I'm feeling kinda stretched on this relationship at the moment. Like it's all one-way.

Enter: new concept. Let's compare a relationship / friendship to a bank account. (This idea I first heard from Steven Covey years ago.) Each party makes deposits or withdrawals. Deposits might be kind things for the other party, gifts, time, need fulfillment, good sex, pluses in general. Withdrawals might be corrections, absences, negative feedback, tantrums, or other stressful events to the relationship. Optimally there are so many emotional deposits that the "relational account" is full, so when a withdrawal happens, the account doesn't suffer significantly. On the other hand, if people make too many "withdrawals," without making deposits, soon the relational account will be empty, bankrupt, or even over.

This analogy is not perfect, but it DOES point to some helpful patterns. My friend, Cutie Who Seriously Thinks Everyone Wants His Cock, has made alot of withdrawals recently to our friendship, and I'm judging our account to be pretty low at the moment. I'll share this with him.

On the positive side, this analogy has been hugely helpful with my partner: Man I Adore and Get Weepy For. Daily he does adorable things for me. Like two-line "I love you" notes, breakfast of oatmeal and eggs, groceries he knows I like, washing the dishes, making a meal, holding me and listening. So the occassional stressful thing I easily overlook because I see the balance. He has my heart. A long time ago. I think he's piling up years of "wealth," with no expectation of return, mostly because he's a loving person. I consciously do the same for him, randomly offering a post-work massage, leaving a note, placing flowers on the kitchen counter or his side of the bathroom sink, waking him up in the middle of the night with a blow job, getting tickets for a date together. We try to be creative and consistent.

Our "nest egg" relationally is quite sizable and provides us a stability and ease.

Emotional deposits. How is your balance doing?

love languages

The concept of love languages has been vital to surviving and excelling in my relationships. It's a journey still in progress. I first read about it in the book: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

The idea is that different people communicate love in different ways. Some of us, for example, feel loved when we touch or are touched. This could be as simple as a hand on the shoulder, a hug, or cuddling. Others of us respond to words, and give words. We praise and bless people with verbal demonstration, and feel respected and validated when given verbal kindness. Likewise it crushes us to be spoken harshly to. For others words don't matter so much. Another love language or dialect would be time. Some of us feel loved when our intimates spend time with us, and give love by giving of our own time. Without this presence we feel suffocated or unloved. Yet another dialect is gifts. These folks treasure things given to them, and are exultant with gifts as little as notes and homemade trinkets, as big as trips and clothes, and shower them on others. This is their language of love. And finally the last gift is actions. Like my Dad, these people might share their love especially by doing acts of service, like making breakfast, fixing the car. They feel loved when others do things for them, as simple as washing dishes, help make food or pay a mortgage.

There is a little bit of all of them in us. But some communications are stronger or more pronounced in each individual uniqely. And we might have a couple of them that are primary.

Again, they are:
1. Touch
2. Words
3. Time
4. Actions
5. Gifts

My top two are touch and words. I feel very connected with touch, and reach out to people a lot that way. My personal belief is that most men, regardless of sexuality, have this as one of their primary love languages. I also equally value words, and give them as tokens of love, and receive them keenly when sent my way. The other love languages are not as important, or central to me, though still a part of life in general.

Fortunately my partner's top two are also words and touch. But many partners "speak different languages."

A particularly enlightening idea is that we might be mis-communicating if I am speaking in one "language," while my partner is speaking another, one or both of us feeling unloved. Perhaps my partner likes me to spend time with him, while instead I shower him with gifts and words. Or would rather I touch him. He would feel more loved if I learned his "dialect" of love and spoke to him in his "dialect," reaching to his heart more centrally.

Think about what your parent's love languages are, and different people who are close to you. With not too much thought it will become apparent. And then think about how you can proactively increase the love communication with your partner or partners by communicating in ways that they feel touched. And tell them about how you feel loved, and ask for it specifically, taking the guess-work out of this magic of relationship.

These tools have saved me many-a-time, and I've shared it frequently with intimates to our mutual benefit.

I don't own you, and other principles of love

There are several principles that allow us to function as a polyamorous couple. They are definitely not our creations, we've gotten then from others at workshops, circles, conversations, and books.

1. I don't own you. You don't own me. I don't own where your eyes look. I don't own your behaviors, or your emotions, your clothing choices. Just because we've chosen to be together doesn't mean that somehow I decide things for you or own you. Slavery ended a while ago. You are your own free person with your own emotions, choices, friendships, and sometimes sexual partners.
2. We don't ask permission. We let eachother know, coordinate, and plan. If I really want to do something - meet with someone, exercise for an hour, take a trip, eat a burger, I don't ask permission. I do it. Because we love each other and consider each other in our decisions, we want to tell each other, and arrange a time when its convenient for the both of us. Calendar. Schedule together. We consider ourselves two equal, powerful adults.
3. My psyche is no longer just me. You are a part of my psyche, we are a unit together. When I make decisions I want to accomodate you, and bring you happiness. As such, though the previous point sound really individualistic, and is, and remains true, it is tempered by the fact that you are a part of my thoughts and wants. You are in my mind and heart when I plan my life. I consult you.
4. I know what I want and I ask for it. I might not get it, but I ask for it, knowing that I'll be more likely to get it.
5. Radical communication. Frequently. We tell it like it is in our hearts. We don't preach at eachother, but we tell eachother what's going on for us. We do the hard work that it takes to make an excellent relationship. We take this risk, and become vulnerable to each other. We remain civilized, and have learned to speak in language without blame. This, perhaps more than anything, has paid big dividends and brought us amazingly close. Often we are surprised by what's going on in the other's heart and mind. And most often endearingly surprised. It's hard. It's worth it.
6. I want an excellent relationship. I won't settle for a mediocre relationship. In fact, I insist on an excellent relationship. I'm willing to do the work for it to be excellent between us.

7. Love is a decision, not just a feeling. Even when I don't feel like it, I'll treat you in loving respectful ways. Because I've decided that you're one that I love. And when I act lovingly I usually feel loving towards you.

8. Amazing = amazing. Unsatisfying = unsatisfying. According to the book Sex Diaries, most people that SAY they have amazing sexual relationships, really do have them, consistently. People that always say they have unsatisfying sex, dull relationships, confrontational ones, or elusive ones, really do have them, consistently. In short, the type of sex we have is often a reflection of our attitudes. Its a pattern the author noticed in the thousands of diaries she gathered. People usually don't have a huge mix of good and bad sexual experiences. They're usually either characteristically amazing, or characteristically unsatisfying, statistically.