love languages

The concept of love languages has been vital to surviving and excelling in my relationships. It's a journey still in progress. I first read about it in the book: The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.

The idea is that different people communicate love in different ways. Some of us, for example, feel loved when we touch or are touched. This could be as simple as a hand on the shoulder, a hug, or cuddling. Others of us respond to words, and give words. We praise and bless people with verbal demonstration, and feel respected and validated when given verbal kindness. Likewise it crushes us to be spoken harshly to. For others words don't matter so much. Another love language or dialect would be time. Some of us feel loved when our intimates spend time with us, and give love by giving of our own time. Without this presence we feel suffocated or unloved. Yet another dialect is gifts. These folks treasure things given to them, and are exultant with gifts as little as notes and homemade trinkets, as big as trips and clothes, and shower them on others. This is their language of love. And finally the last gift is actions. Like my Dad, these people might share their love especially by doing acts of service, like making breakfast, fixing the car. They feel loved when others do things for them, as simple as washing dishes, help make food or pay a mortgage.

There is a little bit of all of them in us. But some communications are stronger or more pronounced in each individual uniqely. And we might have a couple of them that are primary.

Again, they are:
1. Touch
2. Words
3. Time
4. Actions
5. Gifts

My top two are touch and words. I feel very connected with touch, and reach out to people a lot that way. My personal belief is that most men, regardless of sexuality, have this as one of their primary love languages. I also equally value words, and give them as tokens of love, and receive them keenly when sent my way. The other love languages are not as important, or central to me, though still a part of life in general.

Fortunately my partner's top two are also words and touch. But many partners "speak different languages."

A particularly enlightening idea is that we might be mis-communicating if I am speaking in one "language," while my partner is speaking another, one or both of us feeling unloved. Perhaps my partner likes me to spend time with him, while instead I shower him with gifts and words. Or would rather I touch him. He would feel more loved if I learned his "dialect" of love and spoke to him in his "dialect," reaching to his heart more centrally.

Think about what your parent's love languages are, and different people who are close to you. With not too much thought it will become apparent. And then think about how you can proactively increase the love communication with your partner or partners by communicating in ways that they feel touched. And tell them about how you feel loved, and ask for it specifically, taking the guess-work out of this magic of relationship.

These tools have saved me many-a-time, and I've shared it frequently with intimates to our mutual benefit.