validation

How do people get their validation?

This became partly clear to me a few days ago when I stayed over at a new acquaintance's house in a new city in his bed, with him in it. I was wanting some physical connection, but he wasn't. I normally think I have my shit together, so I was mentoring myself to let go of expectations, to be okay with whatever unfolded, to accept this moment for what it was. Go to sleep. That proved harder than I thought.

I lay there trying to go to sleep for over three hours. Calm my mind. Not feel rejected. Feel strong and competent and sexy. But I didn't. And I just wanted to fuck. Cuddling would have been cool, but fucking seemed even better.

After thinking about it for some time I got up and did just that. In the wee hours of the morning I went to a bathhouse and found a very sexy Canadian, Bearded Mischievious Smiley Guy Who Loves to Touch, and we had at it for a couple hours. Man he was divine. There was a mirror in his room, and we fucked like enamored rabbits, grabbing eachother's heads, enjoying eachother's company. The experience of a few hours ago was not entirely gone, but this sure was amazing. Great connection. Great fucking.

On my way out Twink with the Purple Undies and Studded Collar stopped me and we kissed for a few minutes. He wanted us to go back to his room, but I had already cum twice inside Bearded Smiley Guy - inside the condom - and was feeling pretty tired. I was flattered, thanked him sincerely, and went and slept. Was this what I had come looking for?

Later I thought about where I get my validation. Part of it I obviously get from other people. I feel flattered, wanted, esteemed, sexy, when other men desire me. Or people in general. Not all men are going to desire me physically, just like I don't desire all men. I'm usually okay with that. And then sometimes, as demonstrated, I'm not. I asked myself, is that okay?

Sometimes I surprise myself with feeling so small. I know in my head that much of my validation has to come from within myself. No-one will love and advocate for me better than I will, tell me what I need to hear, watch out for my needs, read my mind, know what will work in what moment. And yet part of me still wants to be validated by others. Both treacherous and beautiful, I know. Our species is a social one.

I DO get validation from... - my partner - in a big way, parts of my family, friends, work people, the sunset, the wide open spaces over a lake, thrilling beats, my breath in a stretch, the ground under my bare feet. And I continue to explore the question, how do I get my validation?

I have a few answers, but choose to roll this question around over the next few days.