to tell - or not to tell

How much do I share with my partner in an open relationship? Sometimes I do so because it's good for me, not necessarily because my partner needs to hear it.

It was my day to catch up on projects around the house. My Honey I Adore was at work. It started with me just checking my emails on a few sites. Then I got to looking at beautiful guys' profile pictures, and soon remember I hadn't gotten off over the weekend. We'd camped in a crowded area. Too noisy for our neighbors in the woods.

A twirling sensation below my navel amped up pretty quickly. And soon I really wanted to hook up. So I put it out there, and within a couple of hours had Shy Slender Guy Who Warmed Up Nicely over.

He was fairly nervous, but I could tell loved to kiss. Passion took over for a bit, erasing any awkwardness. Our hands roamed and stoked the fire. Sweetness and lust combined. I loved that he returned my caresses. Soon we grabbed eachother freely as we played with various thrusts, holds, and half-competitive explorations. I was hard soon enough. He was excited but didn't get hard. He expressed some regret over not being erect. I assured him that it didn't matter to me, that I was having a marvelous time, and that things didn't need to look any which way. He wanted to top me, but said that condoms caused him to go limp - something that alot of guys experience. I thanked him for the compliment, and stated that I only had intercourse with a condom on. But that there are a million other ways to have fun. He readily agreed. Didn't press. Just danced with me.

He relaxed and then got hard. Soon came the lube. Heavenly. He encouraged me to pseudo-fuck him: he lay on his back with his legs together, my cock thrusting him from on top, in that awesome area underneath the balls. Embraced and close. I held it off for a bit, but then at his encouragement orgasmed in between him - his legs.

We switched, and I got to enjoy his thrusts, on my back. He moaned in my mouth as his sperm escaped his cock below. Such sweetness. A romping primate now a melted pup. Something how that energy changes almost instantly at orgasm. And if we're present enough to stay connected and not withdraw inwardly entirely, magical like the glowing sun-hues at a sunset. Tenderness embodied.

We cuddled and then he mentioned he needed some energy. He had walked from some distance to my place. I wondered if he'd had the money for the bus-fare. He was nicely dressed with new clothes, had a cellphone too, but something about his manner and a couple of things he said about "freelancing" it made me offer to head out to lunch a few blocks away, my treat. He quickly accepted, and I was glad I had offered.

Lunch at a nearby food-joint was delicious. We ate near the water-way. Soon we parted, and I hope I'll connect with Shy Slender Guy Who Warmed Up Nicely again.

My Love came home several hours later, and asked if I'd done anything fun. Yes, I couldn't keep it in, (that darn "communicator" personality that the Sex Diaries author talks about), I'd hooked up with a cute guy, had fun, and I rattled of a few other things I'd done, exercised, talked with a friend on the phone from back East planning an upcoming campout, prepared images for an art project I'm doing, done some laundry. My Honey I Adore kept smiling and didn't ask questions. We talked easily about several things, but I had a little knot in my stomach, like I had committed an indiscretion. Even though I'd broken no agreement, something still felt a little surreal.

The next day we drove to an errand together. I kept thinking, do I tell my partner that the young guy I hooked up with the day before, by most accounts after, seemed to be homeless or similar, so I took him out to eat with me?

Part of me wants to share, because I'm excited. How often do I have the honor? And I remember how not-far-removed I am/was from this guy at one point in my life.

Part of me wants to be spared the questioning I assume will come, and judgments - implied or spoken. Did he steal anything? Why'd you let him in the house? ...

To tell or not to tell. That afternoon I decided not to tell.

And now I tell.

Not because the world needs to hear. But because I want to write it. In this quasi-journal of intimacy.

shadow



Our friend Wiz Even-Keeled Sexy Man
at Burning Man.

A shadow is defined in dictionary.com as: 1. a dark image or shape cast on a surface by the interception of light rays by a body, 9. an inseparable companion, 12. (in Jungian psychology) the archetype that represents man's animal ancestors. 

Yet another school of thought defines shadow as: those parts of oneself that one does not always see clearly.

This weekend I had the opportunity to host a person dear to me, and I ended up making her cry. Let's call her Beautiful Brown-Eyed Triathlete. It's since caused me alot of thought. And sickness to my stomach. Damn I can be gruff sometimes.

animal names

A few years ago I attended an experiential men's training. In one guided visualization I saw clearly a deer. That has since been my animal name. I also saw what I later learned was my shadow animal: black bear.

running deer 

Characteristics of the deer to which I feel some affinity: gentle, wide-eyed, alert, timid, highly sensitive to changing energies - for safety and survival, free, groupie, quiet, earthy, ancestral, magical.

black bear

Characteristics of the bear to which I feel some affinity when in my shadow energy, which often surprise me: fierce, unpredictable, ready to swipe out an enemy - real or perceived, loner, lumbering, withdrawing into a dark cave to hibernate, destructive.


In this dualism I am at times bewhildered. Rejecting the shaming of Western religions, I still recognize though that my body feels misaligned when I have acted ungracefully towards my relations. That my actions have not been congruent with my life mission. I try to be gentle with myself. Yet see things cleary. Now I am left to do the work of sorting out how I will do things differently next time. To put back in union the loves which are dear to me. To await the hopeful forgiveness. And to be forgiving when others act like a lumbering black bear - including myself.

The deer and the bear need loved.

 

pictures near Death Valley, California

trail drama

It seems that no matter what there's always some drama on the trail. Even when it's a great group of friends. Doesn't matter if it's long-time trusted friends, new friends, or family.

Whether it's someone getting bitchy about being hungry, a lovers' misunderstanding, jagged emotions verbalized, or uncomfortably long silences, it seems that it is part of the human experience. It takes some forgiveness and adaptation to make groups work. Sometimes the mess is scary. Other times you just know it'll be fine.

imagine

Imagine if we had a gay military general, or a female military general. Do you think they'd send as many young men to their deaths?

validation

How do people get their validation?

This became partly clear to me a few days ago when I stayed over at a new acquaintance's house in a new city in his bed, with him in it. I was wanting some physical connection, but he wasn't. I normally think I have my shit together, so I was mentoring myself to let go of expectations, to be okay with whatever unfolded, to accept this moment for what it was. Go to sleep. That proved harder than I thought.

I lay there trying to go to sleep for over three hours. Calm my mind. Not feel rejected. Feel strong and competent and sexy. But I didn't. And I just wanted to fuck. Cuddling would have been cool, but fucking seemed even better.

After thinking about it for some time I got up and did just that. In the wee hours of the morning I went to a bathhouse and found a very sexy Canadian, Bearded Mischievious Smiley Guy Who Loves to Touch, and we had at it for a couple hours. Man he was divine. There was a mirror in his room, and we fucked like enamored rabbits, grabbing eachother's heads, enjoying eachother's company. The experience of a few hours ago was not entirely gone, but this sure was amazing. Great connection. Great fucking.

On my way out Twink with the Purple Undies and Studded Collar stopped me and we kissed for a few minutes. He wanted us to go back to his room, but I had already cum twice inside Bearded Smiley Guy - inside the condom - and was feeling pretty tired. I was flattered, thanked him sincerely, and went and slept. Was this what I had come looking for?

Later I thought about where I get my validation. Part of it I obviously get from other people. I feel flattered, wanted, esteemed, sexy, when other men desire me. Or people in general. Not all men are going to desire me physically, just like I don't desire all men. I'm usually okay with that. And then sometimes, as demonstrated, I'm not. I asked myself, is that okay?

Sometimes I surprise myself with feeling so small. I know in my head that much of my validation has to come from within myself. No-one will love and advocate for me better than I will, tell me what I need to hear, watch out for my needs, read my mind, know what will work in what moment. And yet part of me still wants to be validated by others. Both treacherous and beautiful, I know. Our species is a social one.

I DO get validation from... - my partner - in a big way, parts of my family, friends, work people, the sunset, the wide open spaces over a lake, thrilling beats, my breath in a stretch, the ground under my bare feet. And I continue to explore the question, how do I get my validation?

I have a few answers, but choose to roll this question around over the next few days.

nerdy romp

One of the guys I've hooked up with reads this blog and asked to be in it :). Done.

Sexy man, you'll read this, I'm sure. It's always a bit tougher writing knowing that the people I write about will sometimes read about themselves here, as well as the Man I Adore And Intend To Grow Old With. Not because I can't find enough beautiful or complimentary things to say about you, as every person has much to admire, but because I want to stay true to my diary-like style, and stay true to telling the story in a personal way - reflecting, musing. That's part of what makes it compelling.

It's a good exercise too in that it helps me to speak thoughtfully about people, always something to strive for, while speaking my truth. I don't always get it right, and welcome feedback.

We'd been texting for a few days, and finally met over coffee. We instantly had a lot in common in previous work experience. After talking for a while we headed to my place and had a good romp. I'll share a few descriptive names I think are telling. Oh, and by the way I think "nerdy" is cool. One of my partner's favorite characteristics in a guy is nerdy: using big words, possibly glasses, able to talk with knowledge about certain subjects, a certain geekiness or naivete in others. I'm finding it kinda hot too.

Nerdy Eager Guy With the Cock Adoring Skills, Bubbly Smiley Forward Dude With A Surprising Little Dominant Side, Guy Not Afraid to Throw Me Around On the Bed a Bit - much to my delight, as we were already comfortable, Cheesy Button-up Shirt Guy With a Go-Getter Loves-To-Pleasure-Hard-Cock Twist.

 

mouse trip: acrobatic play

MOUSE TRIP is an Italian guy's blog that I follow for his sexy and playful pictures.

What took me with this picture is his strength and athleticism. Yes he looks great, ripped, muscley bulges in all the right places... and beyond genetics its also his athleticism and how hard he works his body. Not just anyone can do horizontal stands like this! Sometimes people look at a body and wish they could look like that. See what he does to make his body look like that. It's alot of hard work.

He motivates me to use my body in greater playful, acrobatic, and strength feats. And he's just great to look at :).

body awareness

Effective self-nurturing often happens on the level of body awareness, so nice physical experiences - massages, hot baths, skin lotion, flannel pajamas - can give a sense of comfort and security even when your mind is anxious and your thoughts are a mess. 

- Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy