anger

Learning to feel my emotions and recognize where they sit in my body is one of the great discoveries of these last few years. Emotions like: anger, joy, sadness, fear.

Anger I'd particularly shied away from and judged. But it kept coming back, around different experiences in life. I talked to a dreams counselor about this. Besides being particularly cute, he's also incredibly wise. He said, "you're pretty good with sadness, you're comfortable with that. Somehow you judge that as okay, as holy, as acceptable. But you're not okay with anger. When it comes up you push it away. Judge it. 

"Anger is like fire. On the one hand it can destroy a house, burn it down. On the other it can warm up an entire house from the inside. Just depends on how you use it. Yes it can be destructive, but it can also be creative and blessing.

"So next time you are angry, don't judge it. Let 'anger' come and sit next to you. Listen to what 'anger' has to say. Anger is trying to tell you something important." 

So I have. I made it one of my passwords on a frequent app, so that I think about it. My anger has given me the fuel to speak up when I otherwise would let others speak over me. It feels good. It feels powerful. Like today, when my boss spoke to me negatively about an issue - and I defended myself. Respectfully and civilly, but I allowed my anger to be with me while I spoke. I didn't push it away. 

I think people respect that. When a man speaks in his power... even when a man roars, there is a certain attraction and admiration for their allowing their wildness some expression. That they dared. In the face of a very domesticated world that tries to stomp out primitiveness, or rawness, or anger. 

Young men wander our big city streets in packs or alone, angry, easily sparked to violence. There is alot of pain that people don't know what to do with... and when it become unacceptable to express anger, it stays down under, until it explodes sloppily later. Why not channel and address it? This great primal energy that keeps visiting us? 

Journal 

Much of the purpose of this blog is like a journal. Yes a public one, with some consideration of the readers, and their likes and dislikes. But ultimately this is a personal journey in which I must remain true to my own inner story. It serves me nothing to posture and pretend. There's enough of that already in the world. This is a place where I explore my rawness. And I think my doing so gives others permission to introspect honestly too. 

Sex

So anger in the bedroom? Where does anger - which sometimes I equate with the feeling of being powerful - and boundary-setting - come up in my sex experiences? 

You ever heard the expression: fuck you!!!  ? 

How about literally? 

*Wyoming Backpacker - Lean Muscley Pounder 

On the outside he's a nice and sarcastic flirtatious guy. Full of energy. Works out a ton. A great friend, I very much enjoy his company. Yet I have a hunch too that he's got a fair amount of recurring anger. Certain events in life not going right, in fact working out disastrously. One after another. 

The time I most sensed - and enjoyed - his anger sexually was when we were on a bed flip-flopping / wrestling with full erections, pinning each other. He told me that he gets all sorts of guys that just want to get pounded. "I don't know what it is, they just want to be pounded good and hard." One young sexy trucker just wanted to be fucked, and fucked hard and long. So Wyoming Backpacker fucked him long and hard, and both of them loved it. The thought passed through my head, "Damn, I wish I was a natural bottom, I'd love to experience him pounding me a good while too!" 

I think in his head, whether consciously or subconsciously, goes the thought, "Well, many men in this world have fucked me over. And tonight, you represent part of these men. I'm going to fuck you now hard. You're really going to get it. My groin is going to hit your ass loudly. Aaarrrgh. I'm going to physically take out my pent up energy on you, through my hard cock thrusting your willing ass." During glimpses and flashes in the hot and sweaty sex, this primal anger lives strong - and in this case is a blessing. Of course its combined with other energies: lust, affection, excitement, happiness... none of which diminish anger's potency. 

Seeing this hard sword-like energy on top of him, that young sexy trucker dude, looking up at Wyoming Backpacker's face and body as he gets pounded, must get even more turned on... admire even further the stamina and lust coming his way... eventually filling him up. I've experienced this as I look at the faces of men engaged in hot and heavy sex. And it thrills me in the middle of it. 

My turn 

So imagine my lustful delight when Wyoming Backpacker conceded to have me penetrate him, which he normally doesn't do that often, and roll him up like a pin-cushion under me, his beautiful hairy legs up in the air. I was surprised at the feeling of anger - and power - and lust - and "taking him" - competitive drive - that accompanied what was also a consensual and gentlemanly exchange with lots of communication. Anger? Yes, it was there. And it drove me and my thrusting. I count this among one of my hottest sexual experiences, definitely among the top five. Me thrusting my friend, the Lean Muscley Pounder. In my mind, I'm somewhat hesitant to say, was going on some of, "take that you fucker. You think you're so hot, well I'll show you... damn you're hot... ha!... me taking you!... damn I'm good, damn I love you, damn I'm glad to be alive." And a sense of euphoria and power. 

He took it for a couple of minutes, then asked to switch. It was all he could take physically. 

We did. Damn I loved having him take me. He preferred me doggy style, on all fours. I took him as long as I could, which was much less than I wanted to energetically... before asking him to pull out. Damn I wish I could have taken him more. 

We finished, if I remember, jacking each other off in various odd and hot embraces. Bodies twisting, maximizing pleasure. 

Anger

Anger, like a fire, was an essential and heavenly part of this sexual experience. Anger, when used to warm the belly of human experience - creatively - is amazing. I want anger to transform my experience. Anger gives me power. Anger is risky, sometimes dangerous. Anger can be destruction. Anger emboldens me to tell the truth in my relationships. I admire and fear anger. All said, anger is part of being alive. 

So I try to suspend judgement for a moment - and listen - and learn. 

*I often change some details about my friends here, to preserve their confidentiality, like the state they are from, or the color of their hair, their profession. Sometimes, in a different post, I'll refer to the same guy with a slightly or totally different descriptor, depending on the energy I want to accentuate or describe. Like Superman Shoulders College Bottom could in another post be Curious Naked Photographer Getting Random Goofy Penetration Closeups. Also, several of these sexy guys read my blog from time to time. So of necessity and out of the deep sense of honor that I feel for these guys, I want to be flattering, as discrete as wanted, and still truthful as a journal experience.