closeted weird fantasies



The closet does funky things to many of us. Living in secrecy. Yet having all of these sexual desires with no outlet. Our mind tries to come up with outlets, however outlandish, or risky, dangerous, illegal, seemingly out-of-line with our image, or whatever.

A while ago I was helping a very physically sick gentleman, accomplished and prestigious, in line with my work. When his wife was not there he'd subtly expose himself to me as I completed my tasks. When other workers entered the room, he'd cover himself. It's as if he was trying to start something. I was surprised, in a way, because of his position, leadership, image, and crisp insightful mind in other realms. Of course I didn't act on it. Just found myself amused and thinking.

But not really surprised either.

I can remember when I wasn't out to myself or others. I had some pretty far-out fantasies, most of which I'm embarassed to share. My sexual energy was still high. Consciously I was trying to squelch it. Subconsciously, this energy was trying to find expression. One fantasy I had was to buy and place a remote microphone near the bed of a friend I had a crush on. So that I could hear his sexual activity. Another fantasy was to find cum on his underwear. Etc. Etc.

Other fantasies that people have involve being fucked or fucking someone you don't know, finding the door open, doing it, then leaving, or gloryholes, or airport stall ventures (talk about risky), or sex with animals, or sex with children (talk about illegal), or copulation with people who don't decide to be a part of it, or paying for sex, etc. I won't get into all of it, nor pass judgement, but simply note that some things are illegal, some things are non-consensual, and that there are more direct methods of having a beautiful experience that you'll feel good about after, and can look back with no regret, and have again with that person if you both want.

When I read in the newspaper about adult men who have sex with a child on the down-low, or any other sort of disproportionate power-play, besides feeling for the victim, I often think how much more fulfilled that man might be by seeking adult consensual sex. Maybe I'm being simplistic. I wonder how much horrific crime we could prevent by encouraging openness and "healthy" sex. Oppressive religions or codes don't help by censoring this topic and forbading its expression for entire swaths of a person's life - pre-marriage, etc. Or for entire lifetimes: priests, widows, divorcees, etc. Maybe we'd have less sex crimes?

Now that I have plenty of sex of a direct nature, most of these more side-ways fantasies for getting sex have evaporated. Instead of imagining, I request it with a consensual partner, and feel fulfilled. I like this much more direct method of need fulfillment.

To not be misunderstood, I think that there still is a healthy place for specific likes and fantasies, among them consensual bondage, I find harnesses very sexy, group scenarios, blindfolds, specific likes for feet, or whatever other parts. Other people get into specific sexual acts that while I don't yet have an interest for, I respect them and am glad that they bring enjoyment. There's a huge world to explore.

I feel for the closeted guys - and gals - who live one life publicly, and yet are trying to find quieter and round-about ways of hearing their sexual voice. Screaming sexual voice in some instances. The politician or minister. The bored spouse. The "good boy." The leader in his field with a certain image. Or whatever construct people have in their heads. I see them all around me. I've been there too.

My belief is that many of our leaders with charisma and gift to the world also have a high libido, or drive for intimacy, whatever you want to call it. Genius or affinity in many realms. Examples, in my mind, are John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Bill Clinton, Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson. Many of these men had non-conventional approaches to intimacy, and whether by conscious intention or "slip of character" expressed themselves so. My view is that there is nothing "wrong" or "right" about parts of this, that it just is, and that it is suits us to take a look at it and be awake about what we're doing. The world is a safer place when there's plainspoken, heart-honest dialogue.

Not everyone has as high of libido. Examples abound here too.

One solution for those of us that think about sex often is to give it expression. Consciously. Honestly. In a way that is self-honoring first, and honoring of others.

Another thing is to not get caught up on the person. Attached beyond reason. This I've only learned by doing it poorly myself first. There are so many beautiful people out there, many of whom one can have a sexual / intimate experience with just by asking. Some will say no. Some will say yes. That's okay. In some ways its a numbers game. You go through a number of contacts until you find the right match / matches. In this age when technology connects people of certain interests amazingly, it is freeing to realize that there are many wonderful guys out there just like me/you. And that our desires can be met superbly.



one of the sweetest photos I've taken