This is the kind of post that's a bit scary, because it's vulnerable. But the kind I want to be writing.
The other day I was feeling down. Withdrawn really. Needy. Insecure. I could blame it on being post-surgery, or a situation at work, or the misunderstanding we shared the night before. Whatever the cause, I was feeling sad.
Well so was my partner. So there we were, both of us, feeling needy. It usually doesn't coincide. This time it did.
In a situation like this, who's going to step up to the plate first? Reach out first and embrace? Take a deep breath and put big-boy pants on, and comfort the other? Putting his own needs on hold for a bit? It can be mutual, but somebody's got to start it.
The thing is, I think I do alot of that. Or so goes the story in my head. I'm often the one who reaches out and puts my hand on his shoulders. Or faces him in an embrace and just connects close. Or puts my leg or arm over him as he falls asleep, protector-like. Or cuddles his head under mine on the couch.
So this time I was waiting for him to. Making space for his blessor to step up. It's hard not being the first one to rush in to make it okay. Just just step back and let him grow. Us grow. The morning went by quietly. We were preparing for guests. Then the middle of the day passed. And an hour before they arrived, he came and got me and held me in front of him gently. Tentatively at first. His hands on my hips. He looked at me and told me how much he appreciated the things I was doing. He specifically named some of them. I thanked him and told him that was exactly what I needed to hear. Music to my ears. He moved his hands up and cupped my head. A shift was occurring. He named several qualities in me that he adored. Often I/we reciprocate. But this time I just soaked it in. And received it. Boy it felt good. Deeply.
He blessed me. Whatever that word means - like a king in a tiny ritual honoring his subjects. It was exactly what I needed. We both felt good and connected again. I am so grateful for this man.
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What does this blessor energy look like for me?
- It looks like the head being touched - in a giving way.
- A hand on a shoulder.
- Praising specifically. Data - not judgement. For example, "I see you did all the laundry, thank you," instead of, "I see you're on top of it, thank you."
- Seeing me.
- Slowing down and touch.
- Confident giving hands.
Many other things can have a kingly bestowing energy too. Cradling a cock. Putting a pillow under his head. During sex but also while watching a movie. Holding his side with firm giving hands. Lines blur between sex and the everyday living and the magical and ordinary. Smiling eyes which speak approval and delight. There is more, but that's the energy. That's the energy that makes a relationship work, a friend esteemed. Or the world go round. (lol)
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A few years ago I was at a men's weekend, an initiation-type weekend with traces of ancient broodings and marvel. These were mostly straight men, but nonetheless emotionally open, supportive. The weekend was coming to a close, and I was still grieving a previous piece. Attempting to receive closure, and beginning to be aware of my need to be held at times, I sought the embrace of four different men. The first three were what I had in my mind initially as kingly, or able to give that energy: broad shoulders, masculine, smart, deep stately words. Nope. I was wrong. Their hugs were empty, going-through-the-motions, trite almost. Then I went to the man with the highest voice, the bleached colored hair, on his cane like a cartoon. The one I had judged and not gone to at first. One of the only openly and flamboyantly older gay men among about 70 of us. The embrace I received from this last man was like coming down to the bosom of the earth! He held me, aware of his power, sacredly grounded. Both of our eyes moistened. Time a mystery. When I let go I was complete. Full.
That is when I started to learn the power of that energy. And to not judge a man always by his outside. That there were many things I could not see, and sense, without first listening and perceiving. In this case being blessed. I and everyone have the power to cultivate this fire.
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Honoring and lifting comes in a lot of ways. It's less in the gesture and more in the intention. The gestures can be coached. The intentions are spoken quietly in the heart and mostly felt.
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